I hardly ever did that for myself, I don’t think I ever threw myself a birthday party. I’ve had a dinner, but my inability to totally recall speaks to how little I celebrated my birth. I suppose I wasn’t the type throwing “a bash,” but I’d like to, actually, now.
If I read that correctly, calling President Obama on the psycho spiritual plane, Tina Turner threw herself a party and no one showed up? Is that even possible? Isn’t Stevie Wonder there by default, or something? I would be, hilariously. I would be at Tina Turner’s birthday, sitting there with presents and flowers.
My 40th is coming up next month, so I’ll try and throw myself a birthday party. My friend Jo is trying to find a venue for hers, as she wants to pay for her guests, so she wants to find a spot where she can pay in advance, but finding an inexpensive location, on Friday night, is proving to be difficult.
I remember talking to her ex-girlfriend when we were just turning 30, and I walked out into their living room, because he was about to turn 40, so I wanted her advice or wisdom from that point, ten years later. “40 is coming…” that’s all she said. “40 is coming…” like, she got we were 30, “but 40 is coming…” and I remember how much I appreciated her 40th, she was full of joy, at a really great point in her career.
No one weird wanted to help her “manifest realiiy…” but she had her own demons, let’s say, or problems, I don’t know how to put that, but I felt like I tried really hard in my thirties, and particularly in those first couple of years, they just set me up to go in a terrible direction. That guru, you know, the Hollywood screenwriter, that was an act of total lunacy, what he did.
As I’m working on “a sports coach” character right now on the open mic circuit, which I like, because I can develop it, maybe make a Barbara Harris reference, not literally, but end on a vulnerable note or explore different colors, so it might have some heart in it as sports inspire that… again, I don’t know what to show about a show yet, but I could probably transition movement wise, poetically, after whatever that bit is. I’m telling you, this Hollywood screenwriter…
When I look back at DAY ONE, today, I’m already never seeing him again. Pointing at me across the room as if he were a SCI FI character, for real. “Knooooww what do you wannna knooowww…” and it was the intense BREATH in he took too. That was a total creep! I didn’t see that. There are mental health issues between him and his brother, which is pretty clear. I just say beware, because he shouldn’t be introduced to young, attractive women? Especially if they have any vulnerability.
Wow, he disrespected me, put me at risk so he could fluff his own feathers, that was of a deranged masculinity and femininity that I myself don’t know what to do with, because I’m still shocked that I was there to begin with. I’ll skate into that…character, I’m going to impersonate him most definitely and as Jim Carrey knows, in that arena, the goal here is TRUTH, accuracy, the right rhythm. It’s not cariacture, it’s character, this is what I saw, observed, this is how he acted. Absurd.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to try and write a PLAY about these years on Miracle Mile, which I could, I could re-read Arthur MIller, and begin with a little girl busting through some woman’s door as she’s screaming in Brazilian. Tripping over her six children’s names. Just doing the first scene, like I get there, and when the little girl runs to the plum tree, that’s where something happens… like me, the narrator, begins a monologue, something. I suppose I could begin smashing barbie heads in front of a TV, it just depends… but for the moment, the easiest approach to take is — just me.
And just like anything else, it doesn’t have to be the end all of what I do, I just need to do a show. I could do a series of characters… cutting through this business, the NFL coach (or is he basketball? I don’t know) he’s going “alright,” picking up his pants, and getting ready to deliver me the direction I needed… I don’t know about “end,” or anything like that, and I feel like I’m a strong mover, but I will have to work on my physicality to be able to move in slow motion… which I can, but I have to work on — I have plenty of ideas. Remember The Giver? When he sleighes out of the distopia through the snow… yeah, there’s something about finding the exit that might resonate well. I’m just having fun, wishing I had a job, my own place, that I felt better off from that basic standpoint…
I had to reach within for resources to continue — especially blast — with superhuman powers, lol, picturing someone like Ed Norton, I don’t know if he ever played a wizard, but just someone unexpected…standing there. Something isn’t right here. But since these weirdos spoke about me as if I were supernatural, for real, I had to BLAST this Bowser, guru, away. His entire approach was off. I had to reprogram my head. I had to work out that relationship, those ideas, I didn’t need to meet him, at all. Not unless I was abused as a four year old. So that’s his legacy. I look at him, and I go, was that true about my father? Forget the food. This man became OBSESSED with me being FED. It was quite disturbing. That was a dark man.
There was a lot of darkness there. Remember I’m inserting Obama, President Barack Obama into this time, these conversations, I’m picturing him sitting there with us, like a magical guide, and not knowing what to say most of the time. He’s just turning to me, like, uh, how did you not see this? Why are you hanging out with him? Well, honestly, that first night we hung out, what he did — shocked me, stunned me, disturbed me, but I had been so disrespected, you see, and people have had weird responses to me, that I found myself unable to recognize RED flags.
If he were to POINT to — I had to put different attractive women in that chair — one’s that even understand the WEIRD shit that can come with SOMEONE specifically being attracted TO YOU, like this is NOT my problem. If you also would trash me? Say I’m not attractive? Or get all fucked up about it ? Annoying. I’ve had relationships where I’m not entirely sure if I’m attracted to them…? So that’s a “Getting to know” how I feel about that person…which in my case, I’m giving myself the space to re-negotiate what I am attracted to… that’s changed. In any case, I did not need this guy, and he fit in like a GLOVE with these plant people I ended up meeting, just thematically. I met UNREAL people. I ended up in outer space. This man’s GENIUS BROTHER — he told me in the first 20 minutes that “in th 15th century I would have been the one to speak to animals…”
Not a compliment. That was — weird. In public, I think, that sounds extremely weird. And no offense, the sports coach in me, waving to you, I have no idea why I would allow anyone to speak to me like that. But I became psychic, you see, and even these two weirdos in LA could SEE it before I spoke, practically. So now I was getting HIT by two different groups of people telling me that I was PSYCHIC THE MOST PSYCHIC MORE PSYCHIC…
If I may.
Boundary issue.
WTF was this supposed to do for me? Would you want YOUR daughter in these circumstances? Being insulted. Being manipulated or…would the GURU want his daughter to meet HIM? That’s a no. There’s nothing — I’m pretty sure, tuning into President Obama, he would not appreciate these men at all. I’m sure he would be confused, but he’s not a woman, first and foremost. If someone were to give him channeler tapes, think about it, or tell him he was psychic, in the trajectory of his life… I think he would leave. in his case, I don’t think that would be hard. “Thanks,” he has real shit to do. I don’t think anyone would dare to talk like that to Obama. I needed someone of his stature and authority, a politician, seriously. I thought, what would Obama say to that? He wouldn’t approve of any of it.
To President Barack Obama, I have to imagine, that if he were to watch how the guru really acted, that he wouldn’t understand WHY this man was acting like that. Why is he acting like a superior guru? Obama? As the former president of the United States, I doubt he would ever be so strangely arrogant, like he believes he’s really a wizard, you see, which Obama would be able to SEE, see what I mean. “Why is that man acting like Gandalf?” What makes this guy so superior and wise? Because he spends time meditating? It was all a ruse, that’s what it really felt like. Like, in fact, I got involved with the Wizard of OZ (he’s in Beverly Hills). And peering through this…time I spent with him, I’m confused as to WHO he thought I was.
I got that I was “SPECIAL,” that just sounds creepy. The whole thing. SPECIAL how? There were enough outtings we had to PROVE that we had a weekly lunch date. That we spent TIME together. This is another reason why I went PUBLIC. Because we were in public. What were you doing? And just like my mother, I would be fascinated to see how this guy would appear in public. Would he deny everything he did? His beliefs? He would sort of have to. Except I know. Would his brother… lie? About his beliefs? It’s these points I seek to make. If you can’t be PUBLIC about it, why are you bothering me with it? Do NOT tell me that “the world…”
Not my bag.
Did I NOT already come from a controversial background? It’s practically textbook. This guy got a hard-on, over some young woman… writing a book about that background, it’s textbook. I was reading about EPSTEIN, the girls who ended up in his orbit — they all came from backgrounds… that made them VULNERABLE. It wasn’t THEIR FAULT, they did NOT WANT TO BE lured. A rich fucking weirdo with his little helper targeted, I don’t know if they were even totally privy to this? UNFORTUNATE women. Girls. Those who came from — and I grain away — because this isn’t my CASE, which makes him look like an even bigger lunatic, impoverished backgrounds or low income families where they might have been abused. I came from a background that made me vulnerable.
Which is the quality that he even noticed in me — idiot.
For a GENIUS, right? Because this person (next to OBAMA?) another one of these GENIUSES who next to OBAMA look a little funny, they look a littlte ridiculous. Obama, even, is probably not ACTING like a genius, or something, you know? He doesn’t seem like he’s in outer space. Thinking his GENIUS gives him the RIGHT to disrespect people? He would be appalled, I think. Right? So WHATEVER these weird ass dynamics were, my parents were the fucking weirdest. And there they were, a few weirdos. So I met a GURU. And I will be making it very clear, very clear that what he did was weird, because all I have to do is present what he did in PUBLIC. That takes care of it right there, because I did feel manipulated by this person. He KNOWS he’s manipulative, I’m pretty sure.
If he’s attracted to someone, which he doesn’t want to be, for the sake of an innocent person’s life, he should go in another direction… if this woman causes him… I don’t know. I do not know what the point of this was, but that stupid story, which he stupidly didn’t even HEAR, meaning, I was in a SEX SCANDAL you idiot not some SAPPY story where my mother “gave me away to a total stranger…” not if you’re LISTENING. So he and his brother look — like idiots. His brother told me about a crazy lady who calls him for advice? Uh huh, got the picture. I do not know what to say about their sister, but introducing me to him was A BAD IDEA. Keep him away from pretty but most importantly vulnerable young women.
The manifestation shit, in their case, that was — a boys passtime, I’m sorry, in their case? I didn’t need to get lost in esoteric land. I get that they don’t really need to work, that they are rich, or something? I don’t know what to say there, but um, wow, I couldn’t meet ONE normal, you know? Now I got Linda back, at least. So I had to work out basic gears in my case, I mean general life directions, like, you wanna make real friends, go out, meet people, not spend time with… people like that. You wanna get a job, you want to BUY A HOUSE. I thought “everything was going to be fine,” so I had that attitude, but that wasn’t that sensical. WHAT are you doing?
So I look back at these men with a deep regret, because they striped me of my power, which, uh, looking back, might have been unconscious, but thoroughly unappreciated, as I HAD money, maybe not MILLIONS of dollars, and I ended up in circles who only saw my lack. Why I went in that direction at all, I can’t say, but I had a terrible childhood, I look back at “all these mothers” in horror. Especially my 2nd surrogate mother, that was — an adult looking BACK—bizarre. As my own advocate, WTF happened? I was eight, nine. I just got out of a sex scandal.
I’m telling you I ended up getting so angry at all these people, acting as if my mother wasn’t a COMPLETE lunatic. The Zen Master Sybil? If my mother was “coming for my graduation,” that would be a dark day for her, if I were in her care. She would EXHIBIT what she meant by — WHERE THE FUCK have you BEEN? She would have blown that woman away. You see the difference? IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE CONTENT MA’AM — GO AWAY. THAT goes across the board. If you CAN’T HANDLE THE CONTENT — get someone who can.
My father’s “secret illness,” Jesus, it sounds so… bizarre, doesn’t it? Him getting diagnosed with PARKINSON’S first, and not telling anyone, according to his doctor, which my 2nd surrogate mother knows. SO FOR TEN YEARS, wake up bitch, I was living with a deranged sick guy. UNBELIEVABLE. And then, it’s Alzheimers…. when it comes to that guy, my father, I have no idea what I’m looking at. My Italian friend was quick on the draw: do you think that’s true, she received me when I was extremely fragile, but she was at least able to provide me a space, in that way, come on. It’s completely insane! I could hardly talk I would start to panic, so I had to take it easy, because panic can be maddening, I felt like I was in danger.
So again, to my FRIENDS, those who shut me down, it’s not a “maybe we can revisit… our friendship…” if MY friend were at all in this situation, I would NOT have responded like ANY of them. I went through agony for years. And this sexual trauma specialist he has no clue…where it happened? Now, I look at these men I met this past decade, and they don’t look SAFE, (Obama would be 100% behind me sitting at the Carlyle Hotel now, like, what are you doing here?). Particularly, given HOW they viewed me, a bit hard to tell. Um, not knowing what to do with this, as I wasn’t poor, um, that’s awkward, I went to good schools? Peering through this… and WHAT exactly where they interested in? WHY were they there? WHY are they seeking to “HELP ME” befriend me, WHY? With President Obama there, even in my mind, it’s very healing, clarifying, because what would these men say to HIM? He’s 100% on MY SIDE, that I know. WHAT IS GOING ON?
I needed a MAN, yes, specifically, as these were MEN: what the fuck is going on? Dave Chappelle, I would bet 100 dollars on it, you don’t tell him ANYTHING. He’s going to see SLYTHERINS, right away. “Is that a slytherin?” Truly! He’s going to see that, I really had to believe he would acknowledge that this man looked like that. It’s as if, picturing the two of us discussing this, it’s as IF he could be a Gryffindor, but he’s not, or he’s got a complicated profile there. It’s nothing against him, but that set up, given my background, didn’t sound like a good idea. Someone who… might be triggering FOR ME before I HAD AWARENESS that I even had triggers. And unfortunately, I needed assistance in the DIRECTION they took me, like, “not the time to get closer, the trigger is supposed to help you to STEP BACK.”
We are talking about my parents you know. So that was fucked up. That we know, like this hypnotherapist said. Anyway, I need to get more active, I mean, social. I need to plan some dates for next week. What the guru did was STRANGE. I want him to feel that somewhere out there… I want his world to KNOW. Like, when he was talking about “the one woman he ever loved” once, one of these… vague comments as he was extremely vague… that he saw her kiss another guy? He wasn’t talking about me, right? Just because one of his younger male friends and I hung out a second, no biggie. I don’t know WHAT that was, given how he acted. Was he in love with me and I didn’t know it? There was nothing romantic…
Now, I had no idea if I was in SOMEONE else’s STORY, where he’s COMING AT ME with GURU pointer fingers, luring me to talk about my mother? My pain? Now I look back at this exchange in horror, WHY is this happening??? WHY are you taking advantage of me? I do not KNOW you. It sounds BAD. NOT nice. He’s then creating problems like the disappointment between my father and me is…holding me back? Is some deep idea? I mean, WHY am I here to begin with? I was JUST IN A CAFE WRITING A FUCKING BOOK. THEN over a LOST I-TANYA DVD, he’s going to ROLE play this version of my father, claiming that the LOST DVD is a psychological set up (Picture a BOY playing ZELDA) to DISAPPOINT HIM, but EMOTIONALLY and DRAMATICALLY, same DEEP DEEP BREATH, strange, he confesses his love to me…on a street. (Again, Obama, picture him.)
“You cannot disappoint me you have my loooooove.”
Does, I wondered this about my mother too, Weinstein too, and I know people have lost their minds, that people have had crazy convos with people. Women too. Like, where is this even coming from? But WHAT was that? WHY am I getting manipulated? Or psychoanalyzed over a DVD? I feel like a victim, I do not know of what, but WHAT was this????? I’m just CONFUSED, you see, just CONFUSED, like I don’t know what I’m LOOKING at. “You’re special,” he takes a SUPERIOR stance, MANIPULATOR, “and he intends to KEEP his perspective,” as if HE THINKS I do not think I am special. HE THINKS I DO NOT believe in myself as an artist, though, at the beginning, there was NOTHING I was doing that would SUGGEST that I didn’t BELIEVE in myself? That I needed a GURU? Like I was on the Hero’s JOURNEY? I was CONFUSED. Lost.
And to this guy, I’m telling you, he really pissed me off, beyond being NICE or QUIET about it. I had been MANIPULATED when I was very young, and maybe my mother was like him, someone who needed psychologists, assistance, who was a bit ill there, you know? Because, wow, it broke my heart, to hear his brother tell me of the time he took his own hand and started punching him with it, “why are you hurting yourself?” Because his brother delivered this to me as if it were wise… that’s a boy to watch, discipline, I don’t know actually, I don’t know what to do with that, because it’s disturbing behavior. I wondered if Dr. J burned bugs or did weird things as a child. That was WEIRD. And with sandals, maybe I should descend upon the scene, ripping robes off my figures: Mary, Jesus, (insert joke here), to arrive…a person. This guru said, “you were born to parents who were not there,” since he started mentoring my DRAFTS? ABORT. “Sounds divine to me…”
That was his sole comment. Like, no offense, I got off this call, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW —some — people TALK about me, a SIGN to GET NEW FRIENDS. WHAT made me DIVINE? Can you imagine? This guy talking to Foster Care? I thought he would make a good new villain, just like my mother. Getting “pupils,” or fishing for people in foster care… “you are all divine…” imagine? WHAT is anyone supposed to do with that? It’s as if, in a shitty draft? Your parents weren’t even there. That’s a bit of an obvious statement? His comments about my drafts were even disturbing. WHY was he engaging with me at all?! HOW was this supposed to help me? It was as if he were really trying to KILL me. For real.
THAT was DARK. I could shoot him dead, practically. I get out of the hospital, and this man, who acted as if he didn’t need to ASK a question, he just KNEW everything, truly!!! I hardly SPOKE to him during this time, and he says, “what you went through,” like YOU GOTTA PUT YOUR FEELING away because you might KILL someone, “reminded me very much of Carl Jung’s The Red Book.” WHY IS HE SAYING THAT? He was insane. If he were to OFFER me money, I would take it. To that point. He royally royally fucked up. Now, in front of a JURY, if we were in that context, I would be REITERATING that I came from a BACKGROUND!
“What’s HIS excuse?”
And a JURY would hear me. I would need to bring in a psychologist, a real one, several, to basically communicate what that means. INSANE. I would BLAST I do not even CARE ANY talk that this was my FAULT. The Seth books, picturing him running scared? Hiding his stupid Seth books. Let’s pick out a couple dangerous phrases from these… lines. Let’s us begin— a woman doesn’t want to be RAPED, and I will refuse to listen to ANY of this kind of talk. NOT ON A META LEVEL.
Time to wrap it up boys, time to wake up.
So I’m just nodding, like, okay, so I GUESS, looking at some of the community members, if you would, of Beverly Hills, okay? Eddie Murphy, the cop, the joke, hilariously. I’m going, “okay,” if you succeed in life, not really understanding why I missed that, it doesn’t mean you’re a real person, it doesn’t mean you’re safe, it doesn’t mean you’re SANE, even. You undertand? What he did was INSANE. And A JURY is going to LOOK at me and go, “my PARENTS were INSANE.” You know? I didn’t see this coming at ALL. And then, forget it, this EX of mine brings me into…a GROUP that’s ALREADY controversial. It doesn’t look good.
Yikes, I really didn’t understand, I really wasn’t expecting all this, like, I wasn’t expecting to open up a book about my life with all this shit around me, and come to question what happened… my mother’s cruelty speaks for itself. She has BLATHERED ON to enough PEOPLE, with Instagram messages being sent to me, screenshots, to PROVE me right. What is she doing? Dr. Joyce Rebhun. What I want to know, personally? I want to KNOW what happened at the POLICE STATION OVER AND OVER AGAIN as she was THERE over and over again…
You see. I want to KNOW WHO GHOMI IS, you see, a man who used to work for the government? Is that correct? Obama was instrumental on the psychospiritual plane in encouraging me to ASK that question DIRECTLY. HE, Obama, worked for “the government” if we remember… so he made me laugh in my mind, just taking in my utterly insane family. WHO IS THAT GUY? WHAT IS MY MOTHER’S BUSINESS? She works every day, no??? She’s CAPABLE of WORKING every day??? I have real questions for this lady. (So does JUDGE JUDY, I assure you.)
SO, you see, fuck my friends, no offense, I came OUT of this situation, with some visuals of my parents — not knowing what the fuck this was, both of them. Because that was a RIDE I came to WAKE UP TO, holy shit. WAS THAT TRUE? I mean, i spent a SUMMER INSIDE Rosa’s ROOM. No, I didn’t want to GO OUT FOR A DRINK, evidently. I was DEALING with dreams every now and then… just please. Where I would have to walk for hours… not knowing if I had been abused… okay? With no ONE to TALK TO. This fucking idiot hypnotherapist telling me that “having a bunch of characters in your head is a gift,” OKAY, it’s NOT. I was a goddamn mess. These fucking people, I’m telling you, telling me I have GIFTS…
In the strangest directions. I don’t know about how I was impacted, okay? But I did not need CHANNELER tapes. Looking at the BEVERLY HILLS backdrop! I truly!! M. Night Shyamalan. It was a goddamn M. Night Shyamalan movie. It was insulting, embarassing, degrading. And, hilarious, in the end, none of these people got that I was in a sex scandal, amazing. Utterly amazing. I BEGAN, in Hannah Arendt’s perspective, I think, in OUTER SPACE which is where I ended UP. My NFL coach, right, squatting down, “hey there cutie,” chuckling, “small girl, tiny person, with curls? What the fuck are you doing?” Little lady, “you are in TROUBLE.”
He would be — through the NOISE, the GIANT MEATY BODIES, he would not even know what this PLAY was, “wtf is this?” What’s the POINT, meaning the GOAL? That I BECOME someone? FAMOUS? It’s called GET A JOB, a MAN, A GODDAMN HOUSE with a GODDAMN DECK! GET A BBQ. GET FURNITURE. HOLY SHIT. I WAS A STAR WHY? What the fuck is this OBSESSION??? With STARDOM??? I could — RIP these people a NEW one.
Imagine? A NFL coach, taking in SOME girl, some confused girl as GIANT BODIES are WORKING OUT, practicing… that I was TALENTED, AT WHAT? THAT I COULD BE AN NFL PLAYER BECAUSE THERE ARE NO LIMITATIONS TO THE SELF. Now that, cracking up, “you’re never going to be an NFL player, hunny, you would be killed, rather quickly.” It’s a sweet idea though. A bit insane. WHY this guy did what he did, I do not know.
But what we do know, I had quite an affect on WEIRDOs. Not to say I wasn’t beautiful, but LOOK, President OBAMA once again will back me up, I believe, having needed to reach out to him, a father, on the psycho spiritual plane. He’s not going to SEE RESPECT at any point here. That, I was pretty sure of. I was not a toy. I needed to take myself seriously, I guess, I just gravitated or ended up attracting… you know, I woke up, or it felt that way, over time. I realized, 7 years into living in Paris, that I had felt time bend, when I was nine, and that’s why I decided to live here. You see? Already, another, what? I had an experience I couldn’t explain.
And that time had an enchanted quality to it, where the clock struck twelve, even, it was… for me, a moment, because my time in France was coming to an end, which is when this ex of mine came into my life, with drugs, right? Which is when I moved back… I moved into my adopted family’s house… and Obama is chill, he’s… walking with me, in my mind, through all this, taking a seat. Again, it’s the public eye thing. Where I just began to consider all that, them, from that standpoint. My ex brother in that family, well, he most certainly showed his colors as well. His crazy colors, a man who was also supposedly in love with me — the entire time.
This BIZARRE love shadow, IN MY FAMILIAL relationships, scared me.
THANKS.
Really.
And you wanna know WHY I don’t wanna talk? That goes for my adopted mother…
That got a little fucked up. Didn’t need that. And go ahead, tell someone in public about “the dog bite.” I’ll let you go first, even, please do. Strange because, maybe I could bring back the — the Lecoq piece we did, where we moved through a city… I remember backing up, slowly, and JOS pointing at me, like that’s good. In slow motion. I like moving that way. Just backing up… away from my whole life.
Only because, the Giver isn’t bad as a reference, because it LOOKED like a Utopia, even, it LOOKED one way, but it was really… something else. And in my case, the town was the public stage, the light… BECAUSE WHY WOULD I CENSOR MYSELF? I have nothing to hide.
Wow, “Mr. Obama,” I would say, (I’m laughing,) “wow, I learned a lot.”
(It just makes me laugh.) It did help me, actually, to seriously consider what President Barack Obama would have…said to all this. I have to try, because Dave Chappelle talked about how everyone is obsessed with celebrities. Not me. I HAD to, reach out to the celebrities on the psycho spiritual plane. I had to. In my case this was neecessary. I needed their encouragement and protection. Like, I felt like what I was saying might sound really really crazy… to some of these people. Like Quentin Tarantino is like, WHO was this guru? WHO? You gotta tell me. Oh my GOD.
No? WHY did the teacher, this teacher, go after Amy Griffin? Why would he do that? I could ask THIS guy the SAME question. EVERYTHING sounds different, in public, whether or not anyone cares is one thing, but it still does. SO, THAT’s REALITY to ARENDT, just to make sure the true genius in this mess is accounted for. “There you go.” In PUBLIC, it sounds different, you can’t just say shit like that. I mean, you can, there is channel 40, mystics, I mean, everyone is out there… actually. But it DOES sound different. I mean, again, the comedy stage to me — is a truly public space. It’s the town square, it’s political, it’s where you speak out, make people laugh, sure, where you point out crazy crazy truths, I mean that’s the space to me. Because me as an NFL coach, I think it works. Again, there are all sorts of comedians, if I end up doing characters, something closer to theater… I do not see anyone having a problem with it. The COMICS don’t care. They truly don’t.
“Watch this person.” They’re just giving me resources. I don’t know how to tackle the crazy stuff, right? And all the while, I established CONTACT with Jim Carrey on the psycho spiritual plane, telling me INDEED I can MANIFEST whatever I want to, meaning, get to NETFLIX. Tell your story. Anyhoo, I’m trying to say that I was in a sex scandal, and the comedians aren’t RUSHING me, and they don’t know exactly what happened yet, but five minutes… so I’ll try out a movie preview voice, Pablo Francisco, a well written movie preview… with twists and turns and confusion… played by, a collective GRAINING AWAY from ACTORS on the psychospiritual plane. But I’ll try a movie preview voice, I just don’t know if I’m supposed to DROP the joke, because it wasn’t a JOKE. I still don’t know how to navigate through that, but if Mae Martin is doing “tragicomedy,” if you catch my drift, can’t I exist in this space? With Angelica Leibowitz, I’m going to have to see if I can — force you to laugh, or provoke laughter because she was truly hysterical… I don’t know this animal yet. What I know…when I act… I make people laugh… so I might be more successful in that space. I don’t know. Storytelling too, I don’t know.
But I came this far so I might as well give it a go.
Anyway, I feel much clearer being in public. I am not afraid of the questions, you see, I am not afraid here. I know what happened. Anyone listening to this story in PUBLIC, isn’t going to know either. I suppose it takes a second to come up through these channels, I mean, I’ve only just begun. I’d love to be an overnight sensation, sure, but that’s slightly untrue, typically, so I have to…keep doing shit on “cable,” which is what my Instagram feels like right now: cable TV. That’s what it looks like.
Cable TV. Except I gotta make sure the ANGLES are right. I’m in good lightning. I like Westside Comedy Club for that reason. Good lighting. I gotta GO to comedy shows. I have to get out there… but I’m not getting the vibe that I don’t belong there, even if laughter is another subject. To be honest, sometimes, I don’t even know why people are laughing at what they laugh at, no? Isn’t that a funny part of this experience? But if everyone is being molested, yikes, I hope I can… speak for all of us, nodding, not knowing WHAT TO DO with what I’ve been TOLD.
Look, no psychologist, I don’t think, is going to tell me that “no, it didn’t happen,” or that, my experiences might not be correct, no in this case. So I feel better, though there’s nothing I can do with the changes I’ve experienced in my personal life. I’m not getting the impression that I’m supposed to go, “okay, cool, no worries.” I’m getting, this might be a goodbye. For better or for worse, the shaman did say, just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you have to remain in contact. In some cases, it’s goodbye. That’s how I feel in some cases.
So I think I’m going to try and hit up some more open mics today, or maybe, I have to go food shopping, and take care of some basics, but maybe I can go a little later, and keep working my NFL coach character. “It was all wrong.”
Anyway, I have no idea what to do, still. I don’t know what job I can get right now, so hopefully I’ll find another writing job, I have two but they don’t pay anything. They do, but not. I look at reporter positions, like, I haven’t been in a newsroom. I don’t KNOW anyone, the basic piece of advice to GIVE not keep to yourself… so I don’t know what to do exactly. I wish I could find a job that makes sense. That would be a good idea. I’d like to go into film, I think, entertainment, so I don’t know what that means, if I should try and get a job in that arena? Or, in book publishing? Something that would actually help me to meet people, you know what I mean?
Or I just…cruise, just stay where I’m at for a moment, because I don’t know. I would send out applications, searching for anything, like it doesn’t matter…or think about what I’d like to do? Or something. FAMILY was definitely not it, guru. But, it’s like, should I read Atlantic family to see what kinds of articles they write? Since he wanted me to go in that direction… which was another trauma cycle, thank you. I’ve been through that one enough. Anyhoo, I do not know, so I’ll keep figuring that out.
I need to go out more, get drinks with friends, put myself out there, which I will, but I’m trying to balance continuing to write, which is time consuming, setting my basic operation up, and just getting back to a normal life…with this added piece of performing, so I’m not going out as much as I’d like to. I find that my work week is tiring, but 3 days a week is better than 4, so I end up not prioritizing socializing, which I have to do. Go to meet ups. That will all happen, I’ll keep finding my groove. I’d like to meet someone I could be with, a man, yes. Whoever HE is, he would not be anywhere near these men. That’s for sure.
Again, I’m not sure if drugs were a good idea in my case. I mean, these types of substances. I should have been treated seriously, honestly, with care, given my background, and I wasn’t. So, there goes… respect, and apparently, they all felt I was “a beautiful woman,” interestingly enough. Weird.
I’m going to a concert tonight with this lawyer I started seeing, recently, which is a nice development, so we’ll see how that goes. No pressure there. I don’t think. I’m still dealing with… some fears there, like PLEASE do not be crazy. But already, he’s just a guy, who invites me out on dates, that’s clear. He’s not FEEDING ME, as this guru claimed to be doing, terrifyingly, he was terrifying. I think, in thinking about people in my life, placing them in these situations, I feel supported, in speaking like this, a total lunatic. Feeding me??? WHERE on earth, it’s the same question as Amy Griffin, WHERE does he think that’s appropiate? To speak to a grown woman… like that? A woman who’s supposedly “befriending?” Extremely weird.
And then, I got weirdness coming from this guy. Do not even get me started on this guy. Hannah Arendt, truly, in sitting there with this person — that’s all I needed to imagine. What is going on? What are you doing? Who is this person?
Another one these days, where I feel like evacuating in the morning, because I really want to speak out. As SOMEONE who came from a sex scandal when they were a four year old. Okay? This guru manhandled my story. Me. There was nothing appropriate about that relationship. There you have it. I did not have a good time. Not at all. But we’ll always have Beverly Hills, right? This place. The fact that this guru lived in Beverly Hills, or that this story took place there—amazing.
So I guess smart people can be idiots, I guess. I really don’t know what to say there, because I refuse in any capacity to condone this behavior at all. I reject it outright. I will not be tried to strange dynamics, or strange — the operative word — beliefs. I do not agree a, b, c, which is what I had to establish for myself. It’s a giant no.
And the thing is, it took me years to get here, to feel very separated, very clear. And there’s really nothing they can say. I doubt that. Because their beliefs are questionable, or what they said to me is even— notably strange. So I know, I know that now, and let me think about a job I could get, I still think about that. What I can do, for a regular job. I’ll try reporting, I’ll see if I can get a receptionist job, I just feel like a different person. Like how am I even here?
So I don’t know if I should think of a product to sell, an e-book for someone like me? If you just came out of crazy, read what just happened to me. This is how I got through that. So I’ll see if there’s something I can do, if you come from crazy, read this. If you don’t know if you do, read this. If you’re curious, get ready for a real ride. I will update my budget today, nodding at this guru, I will do some food shopping, I’ll go to an open mic, maybe, and maybe start setting up my affiliate marketing YouTube channel, as I’d like to maybe try reviewing beauty products since I’m going to buy them anyway, so I might as well see if I can eventually generate some income. I like beauty products. I thought about religion too, as a beat to cover, as that’s much more interesting to me than family, belief, so maybe I’ll sit with that section in the times, and see if that interests me. I’m trying to figure out where to direct my arrow, because that is part of the deal. I guess I could be an entertainment reporter, I just don’t think I want to do that. So I’ll keep figuring it out.
I have a job, even if it’s not what I want, and even if it requires me to work strange hours. I’m taking action, I’m working a lot right now, I just don’t know what to do in my income bracket. The most basic one. And I sort of hate everyone, truly, that came into my life this past decade, with some exceptions. I don’t know what to saying releasing them in love, I’m releasing them… simply. Go away. Thanks for ruining my life, or helping me to ruin my life. OR helping me to face real demons even if that was harrowing, with abuse involved… like, um, real abuse. I don’t even know how to approach that, since this GURU went FANCY FREE in his stupid imagination without any CHECKS or BALANCES. A disgrace that man, I’m sorry. That was insane. His voice on the telephone was insane. The whole thing was insane.
It took me YEARS to break away. And then he creepily…sends me a couple graphics, images, not “hello, how are you,” like a normal friend, because he wants ME to contact him. I got the picture. Pictures. Two. Creepy. The final one didn’t even make sense, like it was a car… in front of a house? Random. Ignore. And I thought to myself, alright, that was indeed a relationship. A bad one. I have put up walls… across my life. Stay on the other side. Where you belong.