I was envisioning the email I’m going to write to agents, right? As part of this exercise I’m supposed to do because I took a business-oriented class with someone who apparently developed a system that works — you reach out to agents. Wow, even, you know, hilariously, because you can…
So I was telling her I’m thinking about SELLING myself, which had taken time just as much as here homework assignnment has, which was, “figure out a way to make money online…” so I’ve been researching and over time, an idea emerged… so, I’m not totally there yet, I’m just letting that happen.
Similarly, figuring out what I want to do, how to sell myself, I’ve been going to open mics, taping them, watching myself, learning, and I had to laugh, I really did, in telling her about the shit people said to me — I was Professor X’s protegee. That’s how these people I met the past decade spoke about me, like I was an X-Men able to move on every plane of existence.
I was living in the 15th century, also, able to speak to animals, so I thought, I was “Heart” in the Captain America series meets PINK ranger MEETS Batman. They spoke about me, my psychic abilities, as if I were literally supernatural. (Or Beyonce.) But I thought, to her, I might be able to use it, you see, even to make the agent laugh if not intrigued to meet me. “There are people, real people who believe I am Professor X’s protegee, like I am the most psychic human being ever to exist, so—sci-fi? Fantasy flicks? An after-life character? The Sixth Sense?” Apparently, I can exist in these dimensions. So I might include a line…
She goes, “you’re so much more than an X-Men character,” she started, Linda Barnes from Bakersfield, shutting down real quick, and without meaning to make this connection, she went on to say I had “a wide range of talents,” and I couldn’t help see the PARALLEL, an idea Neapolitans remember coming into existence, Euclid. Everyone in Naples KNOWS what a parallel is, and what a mindblowing discovery it was!! Euclid. We were around at that time. We know that guy. Anyway, there you go, I suppose I had RANGE.
It was lovely talking to her, and we’re speaking more often, which means a lot to the both of us, as two women who are very much their own person… so we take affection or closeness step by step…so I like that about her. It makes me happy, her boyfriend happy, always, especially, that we’re in touch again, for real. So we clearly mean a lot for one another. Plus, you know, her parents are really getting older now—so she’s worrying about all that as a true worrier. Linda Barnes, good name.
Our first meeting was such a good, sweet scene, becasue I had requested for an Asian big sister, you see, at Big Sisters of America… on the brink of ten. I thought, after the Brazilian fiasco, that I would, shrug, embrace my life and pick a new country…maybe learn a language. I knew nothing about that region, so why not? And I was — thrilled, I took off at full speed down the hallway of Big Sisters of America and Linda Barnes described it, sitting in the case worker’s room as “Jurassic Park,” where the cup of water shook and thunder took off — full speed. I came to a sudden halt at the door, and she was framed in it, visibly WAITING for me, scary, to appear…? And the second I saw her, “hey she’s not Asian,” I snapped at the case worker. And Linda Barnes didn’t miss a beat, picking up her sloucy leather bag, “oh no, I’m definitely not Asian,” as she rose to her feet to “take in this picture.” She said, “and you,” you see, not missing a beat, “are not EIGHT.”
Our case worker, who might (or should be) Asian looked at the two of us, and did not intervene. "You know my age?” “You,” she looked at me as if I were interesting to her, “are almost ten…” and I was impressed she knew that. She delivered my birthday to me, without needing to refer to the file. And it was a great scene for her, because she requested eight, not ten, okay? Which is not the same thing, and it would have personal significance for her, that age. I wondered if she was on the Basketball team, because she was tall, and I was “short.” She was, very good, I was a smart girl, her type. I had so many questions… about Asia… she thought, we were in the same boat. She wanted eight, and I wanted Asian. I was looking to “see the world.”
So she ended up saying, what do you say we give it a shot? And I got scared, obviously, and she used her basketball language, “sometimes you just got to give it a shot, come on…” so I thought, okay! What’s Bakersfield like? I asked her, too, if she was southern, as she had a slight drawl, earlier in our conversation, and she was delightfully quirky, in her attitude, delivering her family was from Florida, “home of the casserole,” so we had a memorable first exchange. So we left, we didn’t even address our case worker, one of the most successful pairs, I think… we were a model Big Sister and Little Sister duo, it was known. So it means a lot to me that —
After my reckoning, awakening, break down, this thing, my Carl Jungian moment, also, depending on who you’re talking to, I reached out to my real network, right? Just because I had no idea WTF happened. That’s been a successful reconnection I’ve made over the last few years. She was someone who maintained real boundaries with me, though she sent me, lol, she found an old report card of mine… who never crossed a maternal line, which was important, but she did recall the time… and I remember her face, it’s truly funny how she responded… when I fearfully and confused (?) apparently? Called her “mom…?” When she picked me up from my house one night, and I thought, where did that come from? Had I just fought with my father? What was that? And her face, over this steering wheel, her eyes are blue. No no… no no no… and she very cleanly, unemotionally, just said, that’s not who I am, it doesn’t mean we don’t have a special relationship, but I’m never going to be this person, and that was a memory I really ended up appreciating.
On that note, as she has no idea what transpired back there, really, and there’s literally no point in bringing it up, like, she’ll get it in time. She asked me if I had heard from my mother, this quesiton, “I never heard from her,” Jesus. But then, it was a good moment actually because I eliminated ANY and ALL sentiment, “why would I want to talk to this bitch?” I told her of the last time a minion of hers reached out to me in a totally disrespectful fashion, so was this person real? Where this bitch is talking about me behind my back as if we had a relationship??? So I’ve been sending her MEAN subejct only emails — when I feel like it. She laughed. She laughed when I said I sent her the video of Christian Bale asking “why don’t we take care of our children.”
“Thought you’d appreciate this Dr. J.”
Stuff like that. I didn’t tell her the sordid details — but the “oh sorry” or the “feeling bad for me” routine or ANYTHING remotely sentimental — I killed it. That’s what I should have done a long time ago. NOPE. Who gives a shit about that woman? INSANE, she paid a woman to protect me from my father who she said was raping me! At four years old… lunatic! Like I give a shit about her phone call? So that was a successful moment for me. That’s it.
I am working on a pitch for Architectual Digest, we’ll see. Or an architecture magazine, so I’m trying to make it happen, I wonder if I’ll get a call back for that short I auditioned for, but WHO KNOWS? But I was proud of myself, right? I can talk to her about anything, and it’s not triggering for her that I’m speaking about not having much money right now, or just being in the place that I’m in, I’m not trying to get anything out of her, if that makes sense in talking nor do I like feeling like people are interpreting me… as I felt that way in the past. I’m not ASKING for anything, if I were ASKING for something, I would ASK directly, and there’s not a SLIVER in me that gives off that vibe, trust me. I’ve SEEN that person in action. Who’s indirectly trying to get something that they aren’t being direct about.
I have someone I enjoy talking to, someone I feel like I can talk to, who’s real, who isn’t trying to make meaning out of everything I’m saying or place my experiences on some larger mythic journey, like everyone feels that way… or whatever. She’s from another generation. She’s like almost 20 years older than I am, or maybe a little less than that, I don’t remmeber, but I think when I was ten, she was in her mid to late twenties, as in, she reached a point when I was just getting to France… where she made a committment to mentoring a girl or being there for a girl… we went out once a week, maybe we had moments where we did twice, but she and I would go out, which was fun, we go to the movies, dinner, and we would hang out, she wasn’t asking my father to pay for these… moments we shared. So she was at a place, where she felt stable, she had a solid job, her civic, nothing fancy… but she’s low key.
I like her character a lot because she has a profile that’s affecting, like she could have her own movie, type deal, which she would find funny because she doesn’t necessarily think of herself as that exciting of a person, but it’s not so much about that, she’s an affecting character with a real clarity to her, she’s lived in the same apartment for 40 years, practically, you know? One bedroom. Though she runs some fancy private medical investor’s world? So she’s a good person to shake up, or who could go on one of these moving and humorous (as she is very funny, in her own way) journey where it’s sort of Eat, Pray, Love — where she is reborn, even, at her age, a nice idea… she would find this all hilarious. My musings. You’d have to picture, off the bat, a character Jennifer Aniston could play… she would really get her humor, so she’s a person I’m happy to have right now.
She knows I’m starting over from scratch.
Anyway, I have to finish this pitch, and then I’m going to reach out to some archaeology mags, I don’t know, but just try and make some more work happen. I have to redo my writing portfolio, change that around, and just try to get more work. If I could make that work, I would be able to set my own work schedule, which would be ideal, so I wouldn’t hve to miss rehearsals getting SWITCHED in a flip, needing to run around. I decided to hang back a second, I was going to sign up for this casting director’s class at One on One, who does lots of theater, and there’s a meeting with reps afterward, which sounds great, but in that case, there will always be more, and I’m trying to focus on film. I want to refresh my appearance, I know, right? It’s the way it goes. I’m going to try a hifu treatment as it supposedly tightens up the face, and I’m sagging a bit in places, no worries, but — I’m going to spend a little money just updating my appearance, I have to get to Hairkillini, I can’t spell that and I can’t look it up right now. Or, “Ricky Lake’s shampoo.” They make a scalp treatment formulated for your scalp, and yes, when I did it for three months, I noticed a difference, actually, but I had to stop, I was moving around too much.
So I have to pay 250 for a consulation, get the product, and they have fancy supplements, but I just saw in British Vogue that they didn’t include them in an article about hair supplements which surprised me. I don’t know what that means, but maybe I can write an article about it, once I do it for a few months. Then, I want to spend some money and figure out my hair. I have no idea what to do, color wise, I thought darker, so I want to go to a “celebrity” colorist, for lack of a better term who can look at my skin tone, and go, this is what I think you should do. Dark and straight?
Right now, I’m just going to let it grow out… because there’s no shape, as my hair stylist said, because we just had to fix it, and I want to grow it out, so we’ll reassess in six months… so we’ll see.
I need to promote hair growth, just work on the health of my hair. And eventually, I’ll try and think about a STYLIST, for real, who might have solid ideas about the cut of my hair. So I’m going to spend the next couple of weeks refreshing my appearance, I’m going to sign up for this dental membership where I get teeth whitening included, and just make myself look a little better. I look better, that’s for sure, and I’ll continue to. I found a lot of Group On, actually, like a treatment for sagging eyelids, I just don’t know what that means, so I have to call and investigate. It’s like, what’s a face lift injection? Versus botox, versus hifu, thermage, there’s a lot out there. My lady in Istanbul, she does the threads across her cheeks. It’s like, I don’t know if I need lip fillers? I mean, a little. Stuff like that. I’m trying to be as… no botox, my goal being: get to Julianne Moore’s facialist. The one everyone goes to. But I’m not there, yet. In the meantime, though, I can check out other treatments, and they aren’t that much money… I mean as an intro, since the Group On is just, typically, a one-time thing, so I have to research these clinics, spas, etc., and just pick well, accordingly, and take it from there.
But I’m not spending 650 this second on this course, I figured, let me hold off, and see if I get a short film, something, and I’ll keep going to open mics and working on my material, I have good ideas for work I want to create… and you know, if you think about it, shrugging like Barbara Harris — “you just start singing…” right? “And soon someone gives you a mic,” shrug, “and soon there’s a big orchestra there…” so funny. I can figure out how to make videos, you know? Or a short film, eventually, I mean, I don’t know if that’s totally inaccessible. I need to make my own work, 1800 I’m Psychic, that’s my first idea, so I feel as though I have an idea I can start with, that’s easy to produce. I know how I want it to be done…I’ll ask the comics to help me, which they will, and just try and envision a set of videos that I can produce, post, and learn from. “1800 I’m Psychic.”
This psychic I knew, a Black woman, she said, “1800 not my problem—this is your new number,” that’s what she said to me. You know? Talking to my Big Sister of America, I just thought, you know, if I’m Professor X’s protegee, I might as well have some fun with it and figure out a character or angle that might be entertaining, funny, would allow me to explore range, all that stuff. Since “I have a wide range of talents” as a follow up to all that madness was truly funny. She’s communicating in quirky tones that I have concrete gifts like “talking to people…so YES go to screenings, TALK to people, you’re not weird…” We went to the premier of the film with Meryl Streep and Renee Zellweger, forgot the name, as the Big Sisters of America organization had been invited, so we went to a black tie event when I was twelve… I was in a velvet black dress from the Limited Two or one of these with a rhinestone butterfly on it. Just memories. Meryl was expansive… in taking me in. That was it. I’m off I gotta finish and then I have a date with a nice guy.
Honestly, I have to say, once I get a TINSY bit better off, I ran into an old friend randomly in the East Village who gave me the real Dakota Johnson in Materialist’s number, a woman with a matchmaking service, so I’m going to sign up once I feel a bit further along… I’m good, I have a hair style, you know what I mean? Earrings. My eyebrows in order. Better income. Stuff like that. I mean, I told Linda that, even if I had a full time day job, whatever that means, at least for the moment, in the position I am in, I’m going to need to keep my night job. Once you set a financial goal for yourself, everything sort of changes. Like, I was surprised at these geniuses I supposedly got involved with, because, even if I were to GET A MILLION DOLLAR ADVANCE ON MY BOOK (???) I mean, technically, that’s not enough to stop working… that’s money you make grow, you invest, right? Now I feel like I have my head screwed on. I’ll keep moving, but I always feel better when I talk to her, and that we’re back in touch.