Everything is going to be okay...on the Field of Dreams...

I’ve had the ride of my life over these past three weeks. I’ve had the best time. I was THRUST in a direction…imagine Spielberg, a boy, coming out of The Fabelman’s in the end… the railing. But it’s me, at 38, in TURKEY, with one month to produce a movie idea…my head moving through the fact that I am just Maria Mocerino…having hardly ever watched a film…but that’s a whole story, as to why, though that’s what I wanted to do since I was a kid, in a sense…nothing is impossible. Also that. So for all of us who love the “talk to it as if it’s already happened,” it’s the future that writes the past, the probable future I’m spinning up IS: ONE MONTH, ONE DESIRE, AS FAR AS IT CAN GO. So I go RUNNING, bump into Brad Pitt, no time, I must produce a movie bible. I’d love to write a script. I studied that. I wasn’t playing around?

So I produced a shitty first draft. It’s like anything else. I don’t care about that, that’s sort of built in the architecture, in a sense, a worldly perspective, in fact, but you don’t get stuck there. That’s in fact a first real step. I watched Field of Dreams last night, of course. The Costner does it again. He feels it. He does. James Earl JONES is in it. JAMES EARL JONES was JAMES EARL JONES at the TIME Barbara Harris was coming up, and she appreciates this. Me pointing to JAMES EARL JONES.

At first, I was thinking, it’s utterly amazing, who cares about sense? Imagine telling your friends about “your movie idea.” Some guy hears a voice — OMG THE VOICE! — so he listens to voices who tell him to plow a baseball field, which is kinda what happened, meaning someone INVENTED the game. GHOSTS appear…to play baseball. It’s one of the true classics. Sports, a. B, it’s everything. It’s a poetic environment. JAMES EARL JONES is on the field of DREAMS, of course he is. I needed a dose of inspiration. I needed to pop out into this other world…where the drive is almost spiritual. It’s an amazing picture, I think. With ghosts. Costner IS psychic. We are all PSYCHIC, for the love of God. And he picks up the doctor as a boy, we don’t know, because the whole thing is about the field of dreams. We’re all on it. Newsflash.

So the BOY gets in. Then, the girl has an accident after having a premonition. That boy crosses the line. There is a rule. Who cares about the SPECIFICS? He becomes the doctor to help the girl. He crosses over. Who knows? And in the end, in their SLEEP, THERE’S A LA AMOUNT OF CARS IN A LINE TO PARK AT HIS HOUSE. With money. You see? FOR LITERALLY NO REASON. To watch an invention. To believe in the possibilities again. That’s the movie.

That helped. I woke up today. Why do I feel so weird about sharing a SHITTY bible on a blog that no one reads? I laughed so hard. I doubt the producer even cares. You know? To me, it’s thrilling, Barbara Harris somehow here on the FIELD OF DREAMS. That logic operates a little differently, so you can’t watch that film without being in the same headspace.

So, maybe I was someone a bit more like that. Since it exists regardless. She has a dream about Costner watching this game with James Earl Jones, and so does he, so holy shit — you gotta go. And against that railing, about to lose it in a deliciously KEATON way, I am going to LEAP over BRAD PITT — and snatch the tail end of that MOVIE that makes it all the way and just RIDE it, picking up Ed Norton who will somehow teach me how. Spielberg, Tarantino, Lynch — puzzled by the story itself — I’ve never had more fun. I think my life is one thing, but I’ve probably always wanted to get here: this feeling. The took me my whole life thus far. So since we are all psychic, Spielberg helped me make sense of the Field of Dreams. My own head. “TV SHOW, FILM,” Tarantino too, “MUSIC VIDEO.” Spin around Kate Winslet. Next. Wahlberg said — GENRE. Look at genre. Dave Chappelle and I laughed all the way. Who cares? It’s just one movie, which I know, and then I meditated on some careers, I mean, come on. Everyone says “WHO CARES HOW OLD YOU ARE?”

So got some basics cleared up. Spielberg says, “look, when you say cinematic,” just because I don’t have the vocabulary to properly communicate what I see. “That is what you mean by FAIRYTALE,” visually. That’s all. Which MEANS emotional cinematography. Okay. Benedict Cumberbatch tosses me a rapier: figure out the rest later. I don’t know what everything means. Can’t get caught up there.

So this morning, I asked myself, what do I do?

It’s a family drama. It’s a drama. I guess it has a psychological something to it, so I had to keep separating the real one with this one that’s gotten me here. I’ve done the most work on it, and though the other ideas I had might even be better, I don’t know, I have to trust that “anything is possible,” that my inner guidance up to this point is correct. That a family picture of some kind is something I can do well, that will make it to the next step. No? There’s nothing but years ahead of me…in terms of all the stories I could come up with… that’s the infinite possibilities.

There are, it seems, FALSE friends, BAD guidance, twists and turns, I mean, everything, right? People who tell you, no, not possible, you are THIS, THAT, it’s SO COMMON IT’S STUPID. In terms of what you come up against, maybe that’s a perspective, I don’t know, since “those moments” don’t matter anymore. I’m here.

I wrote the producer on a Saturday. I needed to think out loud. He probably hasn’t even read anything yet. I just thought it out, said that, unless you tell my otherwise, I’m going family drama.

This has literally been — I WILL become a FILMMAKER in a month…no clue how to work with images. I’m laughing. That’s not true, but I have hardly even watched films… because I had to get over that. And I’m having the best time with that. The Fabelman’s was really fun because of the world of of cinema coming through in the end.

I feel that HOOK, like, people want to believe that anything is possible, people want that. Someone who becomes. Who finds out what they're capable of, it’s so classic.

And all I did was cry, break down, in ISTANBUL because maybe that’s what I wanted to do, and I was 38. Something in the field of drama. Thirty years later. I felt TIME bend for Christssake. I was 9-10, the year my father was diagnosed. I planned my whole life around these two life-changing events. We will discuss all this and more.

So, I went out, saw a wine bar, checked the prices, and laughed a little. I haven’t had a glass of wine in some time, so I’ll come back. Another time. Up the street. I already had a cocktail, too. I thought, I’ll go back. Then, some female director turned around. Had a feeling. Brought me into a production house the next day. He was busy for months, and then, I got one month. I spent the first week coming up with ideas…I got that in 10 days. But really 7. That weekend I watched a couple of movies, had to get a BATHTUB to do so, skipped down the street, dancing. I drove that week. AND moved. THEN, I spent the next week, because this producer went away, producing a bible clutching onto Montauk. LYNCH! So clear. Then, got that out. Published that shit. Nina lol. Laughed more than anything else. Searching for movies. But in ONE DAY so much worked itself out. That’s why you get to that step. So with rapier, moving at the speed of light, “the fastest man alive” my soundtrack. I cannot be late. I have a LAWYER to mind, you see. A lawyer. This is smart visualization.

I don’t give a shit. You see?

Okay, so I wrote, having gotten over a crucial step. You have to also reach for help. That’s my producer. I ask for nothing. So what it’s a Saturday? At least, I said I’m doing this unless you tell me otherwise, but my goal is clear.

I could do A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints MEETS The Royal Tenenbaums, just GET Julianne Moore or Cate Blanchett as DR. J. I can go there. The one who hates him the most, in the end, will be by his side. Got it. It doesn’t have to even be connected to anything that comes from my story. But my story, in a sense, got me into this situation. And yes, I felt everything inside of me go — GO! It’s so fictional that within this amount of time, I felt that to be more like a process. Get James Earl Jones as Death, the oldest storyteller, that’s a duh. A big big duh. Next. One can dream. I’m laughing. I did a synopsis called Everything Flows about me going home which might be more cohesive with Good Will Hunting in mind, in that, he decides to take the UNKNOWN road. In the end. Since that’s like a step one. In my case, that might turn out to be true.

I thought, what I can do with Once Upon a Time on Miracle Mile is a family drama. High five, Wahlberg. A drama. I’ll have to work out the psychological thing, but it’s a drama. Unless I go the comedy/horror route, looking at Parenthood, which I don’t, I don’t know what that is. So what if there are comedic moments? Or they are a funny family.

The Fabelman’s is actually a touch closer because it is cinematic. It’s a family picture.

I have to clean up the wisdom, that is, his mother says, “you don’t owe anyone your life, not even me,” and that’s really true. I don’t care who you are. So, that’s life wisdom. For me, it’s not exactly right, but I’ll keep working it out. The real story WAS NUTS. What did I learn from that? Looking at these people — what did I learn? Besides the fact that I was a piece of shit? I had to wake up. That’s something else. age is the red energy for a reason. So that’s its own story.

I sat here and simply imagined this morning that I was sitting in front of Spielberg, about to watch Always, like oh my God Audrey Hepburn is in it? I’d love to. More ghosts. An afterlife pic. I thought about telling him my story…thinking, hm, maybe that will draw it out. But I gotta get ONE movie — that’s it. So, I shelved Forrest Gump, a picture I love.

I said, unless HE has any thoughts about all this just because a week is what I have— I can do this, I don’t doubt that — but you can understand why Gattaca is inspiring, like “I never planned for the return,” no? He’s just going all the way. As far as he can.

I’m going with family drama, fun script. I can continue along these lines. That’s what my instincts told me…even if the story can go in so many directions, but then, none of the ideas that came out of it have anything to do with this one…I can still do those. So, I’m going to stick to family.

I feel so much better this afternoon.

Flying over Brad Pitt — “I must produce a bible…” getting on HOOK’s pirate ship. Pitt sort of looking at me…? The jeans, right? Haha. Make up some painter character. Who wears that. Painting little pictures. NO? With surges of ideas…who MUST paint. I’ve had so much fun. Bejeweled jeans. That bag.

Like Spielberg sort of looked at me in my head, “I went to LA,” since I’ve really been suffering, like what am I doing here? They moved to California, but I am from there originally. So — I was reborn in a sense, and so, where would you go, if you woke up, and you were in Italy? That was the question. I’m not Italian, so um? I would go there. Exactly. That’s basically it. We moved through the “NY is more accessible” problem. So much mind.

So watching Spielberg helped me with that. It’s not that I haven’t seen other films, but this is an entirely new world, the old Maria is no longer. I had one of those lives. I cannot get WRAPPED up in “we’re all alike,” in a sense, it’s just a too confusing. I want to communicate, connect, all that, but please.

Next? Brad Pitt says.

THE HORIZON UP and DOWN is the way to GO. Now, get out of my office. Spielberg is like, wow! You see? You see the difference? I did. So that’s it. I’m going to LA. I’m going to watch some more films in my GENRE, since I gotta go with something. Find the right references, take a Photoshop tutorial, maybe, figure out the feel, aesthetic, first, and then I’ll communicate it more accurately, since Spielberg helped. If you want to make that picture. I have to still figure out that story a bit. It’s not Parenthood, it’s not that, but I watched movies from that period, because Ron Howard has done psychological thrillers, type of thing, going through the Rolodex of everything I’ve seen, needing to double check, was it? Was it so? Just because there are these psychological dreams. So fine.

I mean, maybe there’s some crack up, like you sort of have to crack up, which I did, getting something together, since I’m doing this by myself. And yeah, that story was hysterical. Wasn’t it? Scary villain fairytale voice. What really happened on Miracle Mile, sort of cringing, sometimes, because what even was it? I had Aronofsky in my head, having seen some of his films, going what is the psychological nature of it since Fear is a psychological thriller…though I see “Horror/Mystery.” This isn’t a horror, though you might go, how horrible at times, like I would never want to be in this situation. Uhhhhhhhh, some people would say, like, no, I’m cool, you’re clearly crazy, so you thousands of dollars… I might pocket it, Chappelle says, but I’m probably going to call the cops sooner rather than later. We’ll work out the baby problem later. You know, what do you do? So I get it as a drama. Funny family maybe. The specifics I can work out. Family being greater than one’s own, something, I can figure it out.

I guess I was a Wasteland character in my own way, that came from “an other story” that didn’t fit into the Village. It’s just…I had a light story. That’s what people told me. My father got sick. I got another family, in a sense, that’s another story.

Kicking a chair.

That was Death.

A very very good idea.

What we learn.

To get out of Wonderland, I can, that’s a cool “Death” story, in a sense.

I hope to get there. My hair looks crazy. It doesn’t, it’s never looked LESS curly. Easy. It’s always been easy to flip expectations. So, I’m alive and well as was the mantra, my phrase, and death can move, you see, it’s just that no matter HOW it goes, no matter the path, that is there regardless for everyone, what it means is something else, and go ahead, plenty of people have imagined in that way, except the Field of Dreams has sort of a hard stop, JAMES EARL JONES somehow, his power that real and true, can be invited over, okay? That’s the movie.

I thought about getting real with that, that I had one life, so I made a reach and reached the other side. Here. And the more I’m really here, on the other side, the MORE I think, looking back, wow, maybe I really did see my death coming… maybe I even had a close call. So who knows what that idea will become but it’s a coming-to-life idea. That’s all.

I have to make ONE idea a small reality. ONE film in a sea can send ripples, sure, a splash, but it is just one. I had to think about ET. Imagine. “So, then, they put the ET in a BASKET,” imagine someone telling you this, but probably they’re going to tell you, I don’t know, looking at this bible, wondering, where was David Lynch at this time? This isn’t Lynch.

It’s not Lynch. It’s the Duffer Brothers. I’ve seen that. I can’t remember who told me what. The Stranger Things bible. Okay cleared that up. Thank you. I’m properly situated. They were already in television. Got it. There’s Lynch in there, but it’s not him, not that it’s even his style, but he gave me that, and A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints. So that’s what I was working with. No problem. I’m back here. He didn’t even have an idea…necessarily, but how cool, he said, do it.

I don’t have any creative collaborators, I didn’t want to hear “oh you should do this…” not unless he did, does that make sense? Didn’t want ANY limiting perspectives. I didn’t want ANY weird energy around me, no questions, how’s it going, nothing, only I hope it works out. So good.

So feeling great, again, full of promise. Took today to settle. To get clear. I have less than a week. I suppose if it’s sort of a tale, or PHOTO album, yeah, the container. The family story container. Is it a photo album? It can be tongue and cheek, totally, I get that. A story book. So I think about that. It can be “A coloring book,” I saw that too, with someone checking there finger, almost like, the paint is still…wet. Sure. That’s a feeling question. Okay, I got it.

Thanks for reading. I haven’t shared any of this with anyone, so… there you go.

I’m going to watch more dramas that take place in a family.

What’s the classic family movie?

Excuse me.

Um, based on what I’m seeing, I don’t know how easy it is to sell a family story, in a sense, but even The Tree of Life is about a family, isn’t it? It’s not popping up. Field of Dreams is even popping up as a film about family. Psycho is… lol. A crazy ass family. Isn’t it?

“I depend on style more than plot. It is how you do it, and not your content that makes you an artist. A story is simply a motif, just as a painter might paint a bowl of fruit just to give him something to be painting.” 

Hitchcock, exactly, no?

He was interested in my story though, so…

The idea of making a crappy picture doesn’t “scare me,” big whoop. Kudos. You can still make it happen. But if that person can hand it to someone, basically, who might go, “sure,” then great. No? I don’t know anyone. The thing is, if it’s one house, that’s practically it, to me, off the top of my head, that’s, in a sense a relatively easy movie…in terms of production. It’s a house. That’s Mother, right? Yeah, one house. Speaking of “psychological scenes.” The truly scary scene in my life, obviously, is the one I couldn’t face. Me, at four years old, just against a door…in the dark…no one is talking to me…while my mother DIES, literally, is dying in a single bed…that is supposed to be mine? Horror. And my father slipping into the master bed? I cannot go anywhere. I’m four. That’s it. It’s a BIT too close. It’s just a smidgen too close. There is some horror or psychological version — again, I totally agree with this quote, where I’m waking up an adult with no means of placing my experience that I ended up having — like dear God, with all these stories buzzing around “a psychic.” Like this is THE feature. This IS a psychic. That’s…

Someone literally told me, “you are a portal, channel, and antenna traveling on multiple planes of existence…”

So, what’s it about? Or, just how do I want to do that? Stylistically. Anyway, I’ll continue my banter.

WHAT? Am I supposed to do with that? Sentence? Other than, make some kind of fake documentary series…where I’m dealing with it. Where people are “seeing my life,” um, I’m just standing there in some rural area. I’m laughing. I’m just laughing today. Luckily my roommate bounced. The nicest guy. “I mean, is it hard? Being a ? Being a portal, channel, and antenna…traveling on multiple planes of existence, well, ask Beyonce…” Sometimes. Okay, so for the moment, I’m going to conceive of a family drama…might begin with me at the police station, don’t know, but something that says “this baby is in trouble,” and how do I want to do it, “a feel good,” I mean, I heard “made for tv,” but I just don’t care, it’s not even that, but I’m just reaching for ONE idea that will put me there. That will be good. Yeah. And I’ll keep going. Someone can buy it and say, “we’re going to do this.” Or do this. NO? I’m open. But this was exciting. I liked this. I literally came into this situation FROM a wine bar…thinking, maybe I wanted to go in this direction…

LOL the artist painter who MUST paint. She must. In a white silk bandana, something. Maybe shoes.

Someone could probably see that and go, hm, maybe. I can’t judge that. I’m sure the tone and style section was…funny. Like, reading this bible, do movies typically have to produce a bible? I have no idea. Well, seems like it, but no two are alike, necessarily, so — alright. I’ll think heartwarming, psychologically complex, I thought it was funny that Barbara Harris could have played me at 4. In The Royal Tenenbaums version, she would have won an Academy Award at 4. Stepping up to the stage… needing to be lifted to the mic. Not knowing what to say. “TANK YOU.” Getting bashful. These are DR. J’s children, like hilarious, dysfunctional, I read The Family Fang, she’s an actress and he’s a writer. She’s had some success, he hasn’t, he gets his face blown off, something, and yeah. Again, there’s a FIELD of DREAMS. I wish I had a couple of months to swim a bit, so I’m doing that today. The thing is, for me, I want to do The Joker’s Daughter, something Joker related, because I got a COOL JOKER. Interesting. I watched an episode of Batgirl, Batwoman? With my roommate, “Alice,” he pointed to it. He watches stuff all the time. One of those. That’s not Dr. J. She’s not “evil.” She’s great, it’s not that, but that’s not crazy to me…so DR. J — just that character description, it might inspire someone to go — DR. J?

Her name is DR. J? That’s like a superhero villain. Yeah, and that’s all true. There’s nothing I can say, personally, about her qualities other than…her genius? Is this what this is? But a thrilling villain, a thrilling Joker’s Daughter who’s like Batman’s true match, and my roommate didn’t get it, because she’s motivated, in a sense, by the same thing but opposite, like her family were criminals. The clown being a way out, a response, a cosmic joke, someone who isn’t interested in power, sure, but works for the good. Type of deal. That’s what I thought was good. “Surprise, it’s a girl.” Alice isn’t a Joker, right, but that’s essentially what she is, and I haven’t seen this enough, but she’s locked in a room? For most of her life? So “scary” childhood circumstances, um, a dime a dozen. He kills a kitten? Excuse me? In front of them?

ME running through this house at FOUR, throwing down chairs — ME hiding, that DOOR IN MY FIELD OF VISION. This is Maria Mocerino. Raising hell. Saying thank you, please, I’m sorry. I busted into this woman’s house. Made my presence known. So funny. Made a run for it. Out the door. To the poisonous plum tree. That plum tree sort of fantastic? A bright fairytale, I understand, in a sense, where the dark reflects the bright day. I like that. The treehouse was invaded by bees, taken over. So that perfect backyard has signs of true illness. Isn’t that interesting? MAYBE they were lying, I have no goddamn idea, but the treehouse and plum tree….sort of foreboding. Where did I sleep? I know. My undercover investigation. The whole thing. I did a ride through a Forrest Gump, just a long ride…he was probably MY AGE, no? On the bench? To me, DR. J was a true Joker. That got me out of the hospital. Funny no? Like a superhero. She’s a JOKER.

My Italian cousins were like, “yeah,” that’s what she looks like, not “um, what are you talking about?” They said yeah.

I was told this was my fault, too, basically.

I mean, I don’t know what four year old can do this — BARBARA HARRIS — because I remember me sneaking, listening into this phone call, calling, right? Because this was Dr. J land. That I knew. Looking at this woman, taking a seat, telling me that I can never see my father again, not understanding! I was four. It was just nuts. Just nuts to me. 12,000 dollars a month? That’s what I remember. The tennis club is good. My undercover investigation is interesting, because I was eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. It ended with the red roses from my stupid Sunday school teacher. Truly, ding dong. After a lunch? We should go out to lunch, as……..colleagues. That’s a sign. Totally nuts. I’m sure some parents would have skinned someone alive. I just never stepped a foot inside that place ever again. But it should have been reported. Would you have ever guessed? Probably not. I remember a Fry’s Electronics, parked at a red light, turning at this guy, like — you’re driving me home. Why am I here? That was it. It’s funny. I remember this lunch, vaguely, not wanting to project, since I have friends of many ages lol.

Eating some food.

But I felt how scary that might have sounded to some. Like noooooooooooo.

Maria no!

And then, Fry’s. That red light.

That was the pull out, stop. Um, attacked my father. Left the church as far as I could go. I was still going to school.

So sure, there’s a fairytale element to it, the plum tree, the vibe, some sex forward woman picking me up and hilariously singing songs about her being a woman in love, you see, I remember this so deeply because it was such a performance. She was larger than life. I mean, when it comes to the family genre, Parenthood, even, the grandpa says he got laid in this car to this child probably my age. I don’t know how old he was. “If you weren’t my sister…” lol. Kindergarten Cop is about family, I mean, that’s dark. The kid’s going to be kidnapped. Nicole and I watched that one so many times.

Do I need to have filmmakers in mind? Can I communicate a vision? Does that make sense?

I’m hearing “Requiem for a Tower,” that makes me laugh. The villain Joker theme version of “Requiem for a Dream.” That’s Dr. J to me lol. One of these. Again, anything can happen, someone can go, what, I’m sorry excuse me? This is it. This character description right here. Bright is the new dark. I can spend lots of time telling you about Dr. J, “don’t tell anybody,” so maybe I should think the play between light and dark, “how smart you really are…” that’s Dr. J. That’s her LIFE advice. “Mama didn’t tell anybody that she was a genius…” how weird is that? I get a little scared, sometimes, graining away from this story, like, what was this? It’s so true. It’s eery. And it’s the way — I questioned all of this when I got out — she threw her hands in my face laughing, like she’s never seen anything like it. “Here, take her!!” If you think about it, WHY, why did this fall on me?

I was the innocent in this situation.

But that’s another topic. Or that’s another movie.

So sure, I’ll make a family drama. Who cares, in a sense, how they keep her, I don’t know. She didn’t want to call the cops for real because she didn’t want to send me to foster care. So, you see, my investigation — my undercover investigation — was useful in opening this up, because her statement implies that my father, even my father wouldn’t have been able to keep me. You see? So she sent me home with unsafe people MORE than once. Since I was home a couple of times. I have pictures. Even. With dates. But that aside, doing something inspired by them, like some terror child, um, a handful, whatever, coming into a situation as someone who comes from a real situation…this family not understanding that, and getting wrapped up in money, though they…are members of an exclusive club, have, what seems to be, a nice house, but then, who knows? I mean, some of this stuff, is…more of a question about appearances. I was studying all this. In a sense. Let’s say their money has been threatened. Or she comes from, which is what I thought, a modest background. She’s a bit money hungry. Something. And it seemed innocent, even stupid, right, but she comes to find, very quickly, that this girl might be in danger, in some way, I mean, these were Dr. J’s stories, what IS true, not true, you see, I was 4, 8, so I don’t know. I know she wasn’t dying of terminal illnesses, she was a drug addict, but, sorry, if you think about people who do super fucked up things, well, what do you think they’re going to LOOK like? Maybe totally normal, box, sure, that’s possible too. Double life. Whatever. Anais Nin was a wild card herself. I’m always a bit shocked by that one. Just because she was unethical. But then, there are characters like that. The um, “men do it,” thing, would make Dr. J laugh. So you could see, how someone could even rise to prominence for terrible deeds, sure “there are lines,” sure.

So, that ride aside, I’ll make a family drama almost feeling like I’m swimming through a few at the same time…about a family who finds themselves in a weird situation, they get wrapped up, she crosses lines, keeps it from him, after the money bit, it’s like I get the steps, make him feel bad even, for not being able to provide, or just, come on, it’s a lot of money, and she’s just asking us to watch her kid. She’s a bit — a lot — wild, but she probably has no one…blah blah blah. And then, on top of it, her father is a child molester, I get that, even, how horrible, let’s give her a chance. What a FREAK of a woman, Jesus, but then, supposedly she’s not around at all. She sort of bounces…with these WEIRD birthday parties? That occurred in the span of a few weeks? How does this lady KNOW that? That’s what I mean. I remember what she said at the tennis club extremely accurately. Hard to forget such sentences.

Never seen anything like it, her personality HELPED, dramatic. Pointing at any thing, wanting birthday parties, and she would make these birthday parties happen, but SHE only came over “like twice,” exact wording, with two fingers in my face. I remember once. That’s it. And she told me about the coming over without a top…a blouse totally open and passing out. So, might as well…put it in. Since that’s a bit — WHOA, that’s a WHOA. I’ve got KIDS you lunatic. My wits are spot on. So this family got more than they bargained for. Okay. And then, they don’t know what to do…so, Maria has to become a part of them in some way, and then, yup, I could see this getting made, they fight to keep her…with some swerves in there, I’ll take the real story. The “invite” of NICK, telling him that she lied, yeah, I get that psychological crack up, like this is a liar, my mother lied about everything, it JUST, in reality, like to the COPS doesn’t mean a goddamn thing to them. Well, what WOULD YOU EXPECT? Another goddamn liar. BY his response, she loses it even further, can’t even deal. So I get the psychological spin, like you have no means with which to place yourself, the money runs out, shit! I’m owed. Complicated in this case because it’s sort of sordid, it was a lot of money, in a sense, and there’s this child molester, maybe, don’t know, she’s bouncing, there’s this RIDICULOUS protector, now, what????? NO more money. Goodbye. Good day.

So I get how it goes nuts.

She’s not my kid, shit, and she has no one.

The Christmas party is the CREEPIEST thing I have ever heard. And it happened to me. At seven. This is all around the same time. I mean, ew. I’m at a Christmas party, never happened before, it was NEW to me, I know I was out of the house by then, but still. I don’t see these people all evening. I don’t even realize I’m there. Truly. I sort of come to…like I’m at a party in my house…and my parents are not here…he’s downstairs, probably, but I know where she is. Upstairs dying. In the bed that’s supposed to be mine. Totally nuts, right? And can you imagine? Being told at step one “nah, didn’t happen.” She didn’t give you away, you DON’T REMEMBER. Now, if I were to hear that again, I’d cut straight to that. Or, just leave.

XMAS in Naples is fascinating, that scene with my cousins — “no that didn’t happen, you don’t remember…” before I even began.

I haven't gotten the narrative of it yet, you don’t feel the DRIVE — no, no, no, no, no, at step one. But that’s Bukowski, I’ll get that, it’s not effective, a script is one thing. And then, I explode in an unusual direction, like what? Because I can’t totally see straight as a person. I don’t have “ouch” meters, you can’t hurt me. Today, I’m not the same person. I can’t get mad, not their fault, um, sort of internally against self, let’s make this FUN, you can see a Joker in here, right? I’ll learn. So fast. Impossibly fast. Who? Who am I proving anything to? No one. Not my interest. So then, I impersonate this Brazilian mother and that flies…they can tell she’s true. I’m that convincing. Just hilarious. So that works. It’s compelling, it’s just — whoa. And then, I have no means of being able to read myself. Like, I said too much, not like, I couldn’t get past the first two sentences. And then, boom, concern. This “concern thing.”

Maybe I should get those jeans. The bejeweled jeans. You know. Show up in LA. Get up on stage. “I’m a painter…” I paint things, playing WITH frame. “It’s all about the frame.” This is my process. Stare. I want to. I’m going to get those jeans. I’ll invent some characters, try to not lose it on stage. I MUST spend 200 euros on these jeans! Or, get a glue gun… even better, have one fall off. I’m thinking about it. “In those jeans,” Genuwine. I’m painting. You see, this is where Barbara Harris starts laughing in my head. These moments. These thoughts I have. So, check, I have character 1 to try out. Just get funny clothes. Get lost in a bag.

In any case, I’ll try a family drama. I found Reddit List.

But this is aesthetics. It’s also an aesthetic exercise. I have stuff in my head. So, I’ll look up cinematographers. I’ll watch some “greats,” like I already have started to in the “cinematic” arena. I like Spielberg. I’ll watch some directors since that might be a better route. That’s what I’ve been trying to do. With some stops through the era. Again, the era feels slightly less important. That’s 82. Through the Years. So, terms of endearment? Boom, that came straight in. I’ll watch Terms of Endearment, cry a little, sure, then, I’ll cruise over to ….wrote a list… and I’m back.

I could make this a psychological thriller. Take this mother who has “a child molester” in her grasp — to a whole new level. Totally. Her dreams, even, what she wants to do to him. Kill him. I could totally do that. I’ll see what continues to inspire me this weekend. I could do that another time. I mean, again, I would love to be able to get to the next step…in a week. AND? Kick the door in THOSE JEANS. That’s great. Even me “going home,” speaking specifically in the realm of fiction, could turn into a psychological thriller — hello mummy. “Hello Mummy.” “THAT’s the title” the wise screenwriter says. And then Jack Nicholson in The Shining — my face. Laughing. Where I go nuts on Dr. J, you see, “absolutely,” he says, but of course, I would not touch a thing, of course not. “Isn’t that right, Mummy?” Delicious. Extraordinary. 38, though, so, hm, might not see it. 42. 44. Just go away.

Okay, wrote some movies down. I am excited about Tarkovsky, just because of some of the stylistic choices he makes, so I’ll watch one of those. I studied the structure again of A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints. He’s an adult. He’s looking back at a specific year where people died. He’s going back because his father is ill. He ends up seeing Antonio in prison…I appreciated this movie even if it was a touch difficult for me to watch at first. I could…look back…on these years… when…I get a phone call that Dr. J is sick? Oh, that’s already a stretch. But sure, why would I go? To have some women suddenly want to tell me that it was true, false, so sorry for all that? It’s funny, “cool, make a film,” okay, like it’s hard, Legally Blond. I like that. I end up at Harvard, like it’s hard? I watched some movies, sure. In THOSE jeans. I see a white bandana. That’s it. I might have to get these jeans. If they even have my size. I’m telling you. I MUST get these jeans. I’m totally thrilled. You know?

But I do see, some idea coming out of that, or — I get out of the hospital. You know? I call the BRAZILIAN mother, “this bitch, Dr. J.” So, I “go home,” and tell the Brazilian Jews that maybe this shit wasn’t a lie? Throwing chairs. Getting angry. To then GET the bitch. I’m going DR. J. Or, something. I end up with Dr. J in some hospital, so make peace with all this? So, picking up my pants like the escort, “he was a child molester? You were? It’s alright,” asking the nurse for a milk, who gives a shit, let’s talk, I don't know. Artistically, you see, from a certain perspective, what am I trying to bring into the world? I don’t even want to overthink it that much because I can start with a family drama and take it from there…if it gets there. Right? I’m all about manifest — there’s a reality, if you must know, when I had my time bending experience, when that seemed to be going on? I saw balls of fire, not exactly literally, but some field of fire through this sunset, points, almost, and the information I was receiving, I shrugged. Okay, I thought, there are probable futures. This is what this seemed to be. I got it. That seemed to make sense to me. And some futures were more probable than others, I saw that too in this vision of sorts, and my father was in a state at the time, and all of this made sense. But no matter HOW improbable, it can be, thus, okay, I got it, there’s more possible than we think, got it, and we’re limited by our framework of knowledge. Change is possible on a large scale. All of this made conceptual sense.

So sure, there’s a reality that is “probable” that I make something that gets to the next step. So, why not go for it? I’ll “see what happens” with total belief. That’s it. Not there yet. I have a week. I can take some photoshop tutorial on how to make something look like a photo album if that’s the container. “The x family.” Nostalgic film popped up. To me, Forrest Gump is everything, my Aunt Jane balling her eyes out. “And he wasn’t even AVERAGE! He was below average! And look what he did!” She was totally in tears. And I thought, hm, let’s take my friend Barbara Harris — put her on that bench, now what? I’m watching that. I’m watching the fake bio pic of some character Barbara Harris plays. Most definitely. “And then,” for sure, you see, this is Barbara Harris speaking through me, “I became a psychic, I guess I always was…I’m a channel, portal, and antenna traveling on multiple planes of existence, but that got confusing…you know.”

Wouldn’t that be just splendid? “I’ve seen some, funny things, sure…” I’ll just insert some love story, or something, I could do that. “Man, Matera was challenging…” because it was. “Do you know that place? It’s one of the oldest human settlements, yeah, and I had some communication with the site, something happened there, I think, but… um, it was very angry…” anyway, I don’t dabble in “that,”said FLAT. THAT.

Someone’s watching that. That I know.

Bubbles.

“No, it’s not my name…”

Anyway, these dreams aside, I love characters, right? I’ll figure this out later. FIRST — I gotta make a probable reality a reality.

I mean, Lady Bird has some strong Justin Timberlake affection. But what the fuck does “Through the Years” mean to anyone today? The hilarity of the family video. And maybe MARIA is sitting there…watching these…we see she’s not in them. And then, we’re off with some “sound.” 2 years earlier. Or, a few months, in this case, who cares? I swear…we’ve been through everything there is…how do I want to treat these years? As is. It’s just to get to whatever that drive is.

Maybe I could tell a series of stories via the love songs. As if chapters. I could probably do that. I don’t know.

But how do I want to treat these years? What is going to connect?

I’m off. I’m watching Immensita with Penelope Cruz because it’s about a mother…