I get skittish, or can, around talking about my feelings and life but I thought I would keep a diary to be open, for once, about the whole of me. I never really had “moments” around my life, though I might have struggled emotionally, sure. It’s just that, my whole understanding of myself and my story has changed. My childhood. There was a lot going on under the surface. Since I got in touch with my past, my childhood, not the same thing.
I’m speaking from a very different place. So I might not have felt like I was really able to communicate around my childhood. My family story was always ungrounded, I think. I sometimes reflect on some of the people in my life…I don’t know what they would say to these words…or if they even listened to those four years with me, this voice now, taking you through it. What that was. I was not resolved, that made the Zen Master psychologist look at me in my late twenties. “I thought I dealt with this.” She suggested that I hadn’t.
It’s interesting. I don’t know what people in my life would expect, since I’m sort of feeling like that, me to say about my childhood. In reality. I don’t know if that’s old stuff, even me sorting through my own confusion around them. And the event I went through was life-changing. I suppose I feel more whole. And I’m going to talk about that from the position of what my life was…what I had to sort out…what that was…
Relationships can cause me a considerable amount of confusion sometimes. I know I am not alone. Especially as I started reopening my past…people come and go, not everyone remains friends, close, and some come and go…I think I’m more excited in the position I am now…to flourish, thrive, and show myself what I can do. From here.
So, in the spirit of that, I had roadblocks that I became aware of, of my own making, that prevented me from making a real reach even if, in my mind, I wanted to bring some stories into the world. I suppose, recently, I got in touch with my attachment to them, my avoidance of the heartache, fears, what built them, if that makes sense. And that kind of emotional honesty…was not really in my capacity for a long time. I was always an intimate person, I’m hearing that in my head but what does that mean? I’m more talking about the process I went through to evolve past an unsustainable approach in life. And feeling more and more like I’m here.
So, like that, rounding out the “so,” to my Neapolitan relatives, the person who came back at thirty-ish was sort of a different person. They recognized me, I was always sort of like this, but something wasn’t right, correct, they saw that. Funny, no? Like, what happened to you? They knew me in these few years that my father…started getting sick, wow, he seemed to be rather impaired way back there. If it makes what I went through more understandable, that’s alright, even if I’m feeling, quite frankly, some feelings around that.
Like whoosh, good, because I got in touch with how much pressure I was under. We get older, evolve, but I’m more relieved than anything else.
I was talking to a friend the other day about how I was ungrounded to her for the duration of our friendship and now I seem so grounded. That’s what I mean. You have to understand, it’s not so much what happens, depending, maybe, but rather what you do with it.
I’m fine talking about a brief moment of incredible healing that I went through that involved a crisis of self around these four years that I spent in another family’s home. My parents. Afterward, the physical effect of my father’s Alzheimer’s on my body was physical, I felt it. And I don’t know what to say about my stomach, since that message physically impacted me, truly, “sensation,” so I’m still a little sensitive there sometimes. I don’t know what that means exactly. But the questions and images I had to see, even, um, that I struggled to understand…I just don’t know what to say.
When you’re in a situation like that at four, yes, it would raise questions about the situation I came out of….especially if someone tells you, yeah, look, I suspect you weren’t bathed either, not really knowing what to say about that, like does he know? I mean, I had that question, but I figured I would equip myself with more knowledge once I got through this part.
Once Upon a Time on Miracle MIle…and my nine year old investigation was sophisticated in form, and listening to my inner monologue since I ran this in my head, sort of hilarious….in investigating what the truth is, conceptually. How that impacted me on deep deep levels. Saying things like “I don’t know” out of a window….what the hell happened? Investigating trauma, even, no? Probably for most people, at four years old…finding themselves in this situation? I was studying Dr. J. I didn’t care where I was. Haha.
But just please, some of the sentences I put together threw me into a whole thing….that was complicated. I couldn’t communicate. Just the lie, that was terrible, not knowing…manipulation, in particular, was twisted, no, it would make sense. That it would be twisted, even. Psychology being a body. That’s good to know. I didn’t want to get sick, you know, and after that, I came to understand that I could have developed an illness.
Repressed rage, not good, no no. But my father…right…who was this person? His denied illness…so strange.
In time, I suppose, I can also evaluate the feelings I have around how belief around a person, like Tinkerbelle, actually, might hinder them, present them with challenges, if we understand the mechanisms of change and what that might mean for their world around them. Oh, yeah, very clear, drinking boba, clarifying my focus, my direction….going to be writing about my life. Christmas in Naples is a Sport is step one. People who knew me as a child…who went “wait a minute.” So now, I’ve announced to all of them—I sing again…I sing again….brav. lol. This is…what she always did.
I don’t believe that there’s anything fundamentally wrong with anyone though belief systems might teach that to people before they are born, just taking into account John Steinbeck’s reflection of Cathy Ames AKA evil: someone who is born with a malformed soul. I must admit that Dr. J, my mother, made me ponder that she might have been born a little different or simply in a family that had major problems. I don’t know where Cathy Ames came from. It’s like these sorts of ideas can be so unrooted in any reality so it’s not all that un-common to be disconnected from reality, in a sense.
It’s one thing to talk about one’s life at a cafe, what you believe in, you know, but then, when you’re presenting something to the world, publicly, that’s a different arena, and luckily, that reach even in my mind created a bridge…there are very smart people out there, and I don’t even know what to say about a higher intelligence in the spiritual sense, but in the real, every day, the people who are actually on earth at this time…I made reach for them. Please, help me make sense of this, or please, draw out whatever would be the most useful, impactful, which doesn’t necessarily mean easy, and I felt so encouraged to. Many extraordinary people out there.
Even thinking back to the “me” before, I’m in such a different frame of mind, that it’s a little difficult to access that person. A deep breath. A remarkable character. Glad to hold the best of her, glad to have been able to lead myself to this place.
Now, I can go out, get some outfits, make some choices here and present myself, since I’m thinking about that right now. I sold all my clothes, because I had to, to be able to take off, which is what I wanted to do. I’ll evidently talk to others who might have come to fundamentally shift their perspective…it’s not my whole self, life, type of deal, but I’m in a much more secure place, my feet planted very much in the reality of my upbringing.
That’s what I mean.
I can build now because there were unresolved issues driving my choices…when you’re a bad baby at four, I’m talking unconscious belief systems, you know, I got in touch with some beliefs and feelings I didn’t know I had. That was more akin to an awakening.
I went through some devastation since I was, you know, mixed up from my childhood. I can talk about what worked, what didn’t, just in thinking what it means to build a sustainable life. And I have writing to thank for giving me a place to work that out if not envision a future for myself. People have different definitions as to what success means…which is somewhat overwhelming and thrilling, just how many lives are out there.
This is quite an exercise—life, sometimes, I think. I’ve obviously trying to find ease but I seem to be wanting to express, manifest, and create abundance to hopefully leave something behind. So that’s where I’m at. I had to let go of a lot, I learned an enormous amount, and in the grander scheme of things, and luckily there is such a thing, in the larger world, I had potentially more to offer because of what I even went through recently. If someone can relate to being in this sort of situation at four, then fine, but if you can’t, that’s alright. Both my parents were sick.
It’s so obvious, it’s not even new information, but it is. Even, somehow, my parents give me an opportunity to even talk about what it means to be sick. What it means to be well. We might not want to normalize some type of behavior. And again, Miracle Mile, what’s normal, I can move my hands around in the New Age way, what is normal? A dark side? Yes, good question.
I activated myself this morning—so I sent a pitch out. My goal is to just send out pitches now. At least once a day. So that’s good, energizing, and the direction to go in. I got a system set up over here, or I’ve started to, on TikTok, and I’ve gotten some clarity in terms of what to do with the rest of it. Even in presenting myself, what to wear, as someone who has never been better, which is true, and I could talk about what it means to want to be an example, which I always did—good intention. That’s why I’m trying to also include some of moments that might be real, too, where I might struggle with confidence issues given where I come from. I might have tough dreams when I put myself out there, contractions even, during moments of expansion.
I don’t know what people might experience even coming out of a psychosis, a large psychological event, even a tremendous remembrance of trauma, since thanks GOOP, again, for making me feel better, for publishing that article about sexual abuse that included severe psychological abuse. Alright.
The thing is, the expectation that someone like me might come with problems was a giant no. How shocking. I am so happy. And I am. “Don’t be sad,” no one wants you to be sad, someone said, because it’s really sad, when you’re sad. So, that means I’m affecting. And Franco Franzese did not HIDE that he was MOST DEFINITELY LOOKING for problems. Excuse me, looking at Flora, “do you DRINK?” I laugh but I struggled with that line between what people expect and what’s true, what becomes true, to bring it back Miracle Mile.
“How are you so normal?”
Sane, even.
I guess, you know, thanks, but then, I’m not sure if I’m the spokeswoman, do you know what I mean? In terms of what people have to deal with.
All the same, I had some problems, I was the problem. I got in touch with those. It’s like, no offense, I don’t even care about what I went through, just please, there are enormous states of mind that people can go through for all sorts of real reasons. What these are, how to help one navigate through these successfully, all that, is the more important lens of focus. In my opinion. I might end up studying more, right, so I can bolster my understanding of the collective, in particular, or what it means to be wired in a different way. What is that?
So I’ve heard and read that a psychosis might be positive. Not so sure if that’s what I went through.
Some of these roadblocks that appear when I put myself out there, and we’re very clever in creating even obstacle courses for ourselves. Some of the challenges we face might be really there, do you know what I mean, I suppose it all is, but in looking at the world at large, but there are so many examples of people who defy all odds. So these tiny roadblocks I have…are workable.
And you’d be surprised at how these roadblocks might show up, too. So, me pitching has been one. It’s not like I haven’t pitched, but just go. What is this problem? It’s the same thing with social media, you refine as you go. I’m not sitting here and twirling in a chair about my social media strategy, lol. It’s not my main objective. I just want to use all the avenues I can…and I’ve gotten pissed at social media itself.
But also, there’s the feeling of these roadblocks, just let them fall, disappearing which means I feel rather out in the open, really being seen. I suppose I’m getting better and better at that: being seen with the story I have. Masking, that was something I did, though —here’s Barbara Harris coming up to support me —I could be so vulnerable. I wanted that. I guess, now, I just have a fuller perspective on myself. Less emotional, too.
Sometimes, which isn’t easy for me to say, it isn’t always comfortable to see my mother in my face, regardless of what I look like. Should I be proud…of these people? Some of that is beyond my ability to judge, too, since they had problems, illnesses, and who knows where some of them might stem from. I tend to approach my parents from a place of compassion as well even if they didn’t or their sense of it was skewed. My father had cognitive disabilities. He wasn’t able.
Most of my conversations with my father will make you laugh. These ten years. Me training him to not wake me up. How we functioned, you know, dysfunction can function.
So I’m very happy because pitching was a bit of a hurdle. Like, thinking about what to pitch, looking around at what others are doing. “Children of mentally ill parents…” alright.
Every day, I remind myself that I can’t do everything in one day, but I can keep getting better even at that, what I need to do to feel a little more accomplished every day. It’s just I know that people out there do so much, really, in a day. I’m learning that, no matter what, I am living my own life, and I add something else, and get better at doing what I want to do because at least I’m digging into what it is that I care about. Was it always easy to not feel all that encouraged to reach into the riches that were in this life, my past, even? No. But that’s been a bit of a challenge, since there’s so much even in Miracle Mile, since it’s a real-life example.
So pitching every day. Something like that. I’m already re-working on my book proposal now that I better understand what that is. And it’s true, be less in a rush, and you’ll find yourself with more space to give, get more done. I’ve also given myself space and time, also, to take care of myself. I’m sure I could point out all sorts of examples, the person who is ALWAYS busy, but it doesn’t seem to generate many results, so I’m trying to be aware of that in my own life.
For this one, I felt like I had to support myself emotionally, give myself what I sought in others that wasn’t exactly working. It’s the other reason why I started keeping this diary even to think out-loud. I can process and move on. Not stuck. Not holding. Not getting concerned that something is wrong with my mental health because I might have a moment. We’re alive.
Anyway, gotta get to my draft, thanks for reading.