Okay, okay, the pearl, oyster, I have to hold onto this…because I processed a story in my dreams.
My gut/brain connection, right? In my case, “mental health issue” might not be the phrase. I had a gut problem, primarily, that I’ve had to resolve. I got hit by some message at 5 AM, received it physically in my gut, and I felt a block of stone move and hit another. Went through the worst, just the worst.
After the hospital, I had to admit to myself that the message felt intended for me, not random, and I was able to resume normal eating. I still have trouble there sometimes though it’s gotten better, I’ve been able to heal. I mean, the body does work together.
I ended up having a dream about irritation turning into a precious pearl.
That helped.
I even got a pitch idea.
Emotion, gut, mental health.
That message through the screen actually impacted me though. Maybe there was tension in my psychological space, actual space, so was it perfect timing…? I wasn’t communicating about the toughest questions I had around my childhood since I opened all that up, finally, so I don’t know.
Someone described it as “the final blow” as in “you were repressed for a long time” but I assure you, I feel much better on this side of the equation even in how that person spoke to me before.
Money played a role in the four years I spent on Miracle Mile. It was one of Dr. J’s sort of tools. She could come back, the few times she did, with money in a particular way. Like I would ever take her money though now, yeah, I suppose in a real sense, sure. Not to overanalyze but the people I was getting my money back from the night before really hit a nerve…in the past. Then this message came through about my actual bank being shut down. Never got a message through my website before.
In my case, this situationon Miracle Mile, rage would be understandable no? For someone to genuinely feel? Go through. For all sorts of reasons. That ended up being emotionally large. I was four. And what my parents did, their situations, I suppose that was a very deep seed. I mean, what was that? I come home…from a work trip…and my daughter is living in another house…where this woman believes he is a child molester but he doesn’t know that…so he starts calling a total stranger’s house…not picking me up.
If I was hungry when I got there, which is what I wondered, that threw me because of how this situation went down. How it fell on me. I cannot even believe this Brazilian woman.
At times, I think about neglect. I had to try — who wants to — to remember my food and care situation before I left. Luckily, there seem to have been some memorable moments around food. I get I had pretty dresses. I also don’t know what to do…with some of the times I was home…during all this? Wasn’t he a child molester? Excuse me? Wait, didn’t she come over like twice? What about these times? Home for some weird ass Christmas party where Dr. J is dying upstairs…am I supposed to be grateful for this? My parents — nowhere to be found. I don’t live there.
I’ve heard people with kids talk about always feeding them, needing to feed them all the time, snacks, lots of snacks. It’s not that anyone “meant to do it,” I’m just not sure if I was cared for properly, basically, and I came out of the hospital with that question…neglect.
Someone said “yeah.” It seemed rather obvious.
But how? Probably based on their feeling. But had they ever dealt with this in the real? Are people’s feeling sense so superior? Based on what? Who cares that I dated a chef, that I dated chefs, in terms of that being some sign that “nourishment” was a theme. So what we went out to lunch? Don’t people have lunch dates? Recurring lunch dates? I’m not telling a person “nourishment” is a theme based on the only thing you want to do too.
You see what I mean? I thought about this later. It’s not to say they’re wrong. Probably, I would be slightly more — what is this? Nourishment is a theme…is it? Look, may I, if I am being compared to Carl Jung? If you’re going to engage psychologically with someone — you might suggest it outright: I feel like you might not have been fed properly. Upfront. Maybe not on a walk? But later?
I was just like…huh…
Just speak directly. It causes less confusion. Suggest that I speak to a therapist about that. Not someone who might not be able to deal with these basic problems.
I’ll look up gut stuff.
This person hit my thoughts yesterday — hard — which, I don’t know what to say, I just put them in their appropriate category. If you’re looking for closeness in the wrong place then all you gotta do is stop doing that. I ended up going through an emotional thing. What is this? There’s no problem. Haven’t heard from them either so it doesn’t matter. Not everyone talks all the time.
Some of the things they did, I didn’t appreciate that much.
I developed an emotional attachment to this person. I had to resolve that — seriously speaking. I’m not even putting it on them. Just here, doing a lot better. Oh hi, good, that’s all our conversations are so I’m leaning on my friends right now sort of…I’m the person you want in this situation…
In any case, I guess I wasn’t cared for properly.
Neglect is one of the most common forms of abuse and we know the least about it, something like this, so maybe I should dig in there, pitch something. Do some research. I’ve been meaning to take that step…to try and understand my experience better but haven’t done it yet.
I can’t believe sometimes that I came from that story…not to make it a “bigger deeper deal” than it needs to be…but what was that?
I thought about the Ukrainian refugee I spoke to about the hallucination he had on the run from war. It’ll come back to me, I had an idea about how to pitch that. You can lead someone through that which seems to be the way to go. Even the research I read about psychedelic medicine suggests that a person can go through the trauma without detaching from it — that’s one of the reasons why it works along with “the mystical experience” though “mystical” is a triggering word, apparently. In that case, just more sessions. You can deal with the story itself though to get to the heart of it, to reframe it. Not like “oh, this isn’t true,” I mean, it really happened to you, no? What do you know?
If someone came into the hospital with a story like I had…I might inquire. Since the hospital seemed…confused.
They did affect my ability to communicate.
I’ll think about storytelling in relation to the Ukrainian refugee since his hallucination is even understandable given he went through war, he was on the run. The Year I was Invaded by the Russians — in Paris. The Russians asked me to speak with him. Let’s go through this story with the devil. We’ll get to “so much more…” these sorts of phrases later. If appropriate. We can stay here…
So then, basically speaking, afterward, we could return to moments within the experience itself since he’s processing that. I took a tiny thread…“before”…before we began. Can’t go there. What does it have to do…? Right. As long as a tiny…to also gauge where he was at. That’s a large experience. He lost his siblings. The hallucination, I think, will resolve itself.
Besides, I don’t know why people aren’t more curious and inquisitive about psychological experiences if not spiritual, really, in this case. What was the quality of the image? How did it appear to you?
Again, in my case, I would have suggested, since the hospital doesn’t seem to do that anyway, to inquire, do some evaluating…literally…into what…the person…might be going through. I did, I inquired into my roommate, and then…they sedated her for no reason. I don’t know why this — what I did — doesn’t happen. That’s it.
I still don’t know what to say about what happened in my case. Just my father’s denied dementia on top of it. Had to draw some lines, sure. Some of those took me more time than they should have. I actually put that on the hospital as well.
It’s just like anyone else…getting my work out there…finishing my book…I like the idea of the first treatment I posted more so than the second… thinking about what’s next…I guess I led myself from here — this present moment. Istanbul. Need to pitch. Find work. Keep singing. It’s a new world so what do I want to do? Where do I want to go? I don’t know.
I’m working on basic structure right now to increase my productivity, to have a better overall organization. I can work on that. Gotta get to work. The pearl…whatever that final point is…a good one. I’ll take that. I’ll turn it into a pearl.