I’m laughing this morning at Bukowski in this school…

the conclusion, beginning of next chapter.

He wants nothing to do with this. I just hate that stuff. Just thinking about little boys out there in their dinosaur shorts — that male thing. At least, what seems to have been taught…over a long long period of time. A little boy getting his teeth knocked out like that. Bukowski holding back. I’m just going to be over here. Not engaging in this at all.

I didn't like my father either. Different reasons. Not sure if this will be resolved but I know where Bukowski got the goddamnit from. I’ll get there. I can’t really emphasize enough how young we teach kids what we do. I mean, in my case, I just have to resonate from a new place. I can’t change the past, the decisions I made, but I can adjust what it is that I’m inviting in. All good.

Those lessons I learned ran pretty deep though. In terms of what I felt about myself.

My father was maddening, truly. It took me a bit too long to straighten that out. I’m more trying to reflect on the organism of a person, like can you live a lie? I can’t quite describe that. I’ll have to think about it. This was someone — these four years on Miracle Mile — who got home from a work trip and found that his child was living somewhere else so… he started calling this stranger’s house.

My mother accused him of being a child molester. It disturbs me.

I had to almost investigate my own life out of order.

For four years, about, seriously, he’s knocking on her door and just standing there while I put on a show for him. It makes you go — uh oh. I know that now. That’s why this jeu continued. He can’t take action, unclear here. Then, in the end, “no worries,” he takes me home to mirrors being smashed off the walls. “This is how she left it.”

After four years of this, no offense, it’s not that there were “moments of fun” but I didn’t deserve to be in this position so of course I have my moments…going…what the hell was that? Not “ohhh, how fabulous?” I do not even know. I used to say that some things don’t make sense. I had a particular way of talking about that. But I also came out of that. In that, this Brazilian woman sided with my father in the end…

I was watching rainbows over the sprinklers in the backyard — rainbows being an image in the story Once Upon a Time on Miracle Mile. How does that happen? Rainbows.

I didn’t want to put this story together in my favor, I think, because of the pain that came with it even if it did set me free.

No one is around — my parents.

She decided he’s not in the end, my mother’s just totally nuts though my father isn’t doing anything…

My mother owed her money.

Money, you know, I wrote a newsletter last night about Hasan Minhaj’s comedy, emotional truth versus factual truth, just because that would be in my wheelhouse, wouldn’t it? Discourse around the truth. I can’t help that it’s an emotional subject but then, I’m not alone there. Just trying to exercise that thought process. Money though, money money money. You think you’re above, you think you’re so good, not to say that everyone is seduced, but money is one of those agents that can reveal dark truths, even, it’s true. Not everyone.

Dr. J, my mother, knew that money is power on some basic level, confetti flying — wee — jubilee. That’s who she was. She never paid child support. And she was supposed to. I remember that print.

So, this Brazilian mother is screaming into the phone. Her money. She decided that my father was not a child molester. “She can stay here with you…while I figure this out.” No offense, dude? Truly. Never had a question about who she was, what was going on here.

I used to say “she was crazy” so it took me time to just look at this guy, my father, standing at the door while I’m breakdancing practically to ignore him — yeah! Jump higher! Partially because of this Brazilian woman. The way she acted. I was totally confused, lost, at eight. I was responsible. My mother, sure, but then, I guess, no one thought of — she was bankrupt.

No money. She was saved by this mystery man…because she was a genius. He got her operation up and running again so he clearly believed in her in that capacity. The escort, it’s all about the escort. In some Bardem, Tarantino, drug, international spy world that borders on the supernatural, superhero — it’s all about the escort. A villain who isn’t a villain, you see, not against me, a little scary there. At least, I can have fun with these characters now in other worlds, other ideas.

Awful to have to come to question all that, in reality, all these years later, but I got through that — my father’s illness too. But this woman flipped it. Her thirst for vengeance — we all have shadows — redirected itself toward my mother. She felt so bad for what she did to my father. Not to me. Dr. J had this protector now. Never saw her again, a few times, without this man. Psychological speaking, she fascinated me.

Thinking about goals today before I turn to Christmas in Naples is a Sport, very happy to be in this place. I’m setting myself up better now. Having a good time with the written word, that’s enough to do, finding my themes, beginning to plug in, generating material. Being tuned into what I want to do, pursue, so inward/outward. Not out in.

I mean, Dr. J — running across these Minjah pages, it’s practically high art. Waving her hand, wrist like a flimsy hanky. Yeah, very serious, on Fox News. “Mean man…” Biden. Smiling, suggestively.

Anyway, at least, I can have fun figuring out if I can develop a character or something — Dr. J. In her sequins, you know, she could be a one-woman show, a universe. Adjusting her Disneyland visor, an eye-witness from church said “she kinda reminded me of Cruella di Vil, do you know her?”

I’m great. I feel great. I’m thinking about one goal I have personally, leaning on my assistant since she relied on me, and I set this goal for her. She knows. If someone tells me, a psychologist, and I should have thought about it, “I want to work on trust.” I would probably go, okay, so let’s set some concrete goals since you seem to be hanging on in some way. In my case — I would go right in for money. Let’s get you out of this framework of thinking.

And I never went through such a turbulent emotional phase though I might have been getting older…needing to address certain problems…and I have to be able to look the past square in the eye. In the end there, what other people do, alright, I had reactions that might signal to me, the psychologist, to go into the past…let’s just take a look.

I was more thinking about how one might keep on developing. Wasn’t, at all, going to not have a thriving, successful life.

In psychology, I’m pretty strict about the idea of setting concrete goals especially in “special cases” like mine, can I say that? In general, I don’t know. Again, the way I talked about my story didn’t seem to help me. It seemed like I had “the adopted kid stuff” and no one recognized that a fundamental readjustment had to be made. Something isn’t clicking. I suppose I like narrative therapy, though I just read some books, but narrative as an approach because I had these kinds of problems.

Like, a closet, just please, there are greener pastures, fields of gold, better clothes out there. Jodorowsky style, I might have taken a walk with someone like me…as my child psychologist did, a good character. She did “normal things.” We went to “get pizza” since I just wanted someone to talk to, which she could tell I think. She communicated to me that she just saw nothing wrong with me, in a sense, or like, I needed something more like this, maybe it would keep opening me up. We went to Ralph’s — around the corner. It was sweet. I have those memories.

I might have worked with this style thing…so you are sort of dressing up for me, I appreciate clothes too. Let’s breach this subject. Just because as a focus, it’s a bit of a thing. It works. I get it. Now, I don’t know. I’m fine, I watched Gwen Stefani say “glam on top” and sort of tomboy below. Is that more like me? I’m feeling into that in a different way.

Anyway, I’m just thinking out loud. Yes, this present self did get me here. Now, I’m stepping up to bat, headed — still headed — for more. I’m trying to connect with what my life looks like — that’s where I’m heading. And I got Tina Turner the symbol in my mind smiling — yeah.

As a psychologist, I think, one has to keep in mind — frame. Where someone is at. Not impose. To understand what interaction is. For someone like me? I mean, relationships have taken me a moment to clear up. Some of them got a touch confusing. I had to draw a line in some cases and say — no, I would never do that to my friend. This imbalance — which it’s fine — needs to be internally readjusted so that might mean that my relationships are going to shift as a result.

I did, I readjusted, I’m applied some of that hypnotherapy — getting clear with who it is I am.

For the most part, it seemed I was successful, but in the end there…going into this new phase…had to take stock of what I learned. Which to me, you want to do that. To digest the learning. We don’t want to make the same decisions. Want to be clear. I’ve had to show up for myself in this way. Not so much a victim of the past but let’s understand it and keep going.

It’s more building a life now that doesn’t go through the end cycles…there are always ends…but now I can build. I’m just trying to be honest rather than do that thing we can do which is — oh no no no no no no. It’s alright. You can move through your feelings. State what you want. That should take care of itself, even if there are perspective problems. I’m much more solid in my understanding of things. Sure, we might not see eye to eye but I still have eyes and they are very fine. People overreact, people have their faults, even, that’s all friggin’ fine.

Normal shit. Fight, sure. If I have to. Let go.

Eric Berne, his transactional psychology is rather brilliant, in dealing with one’s psychology in this way. Relationships. How people can say — the front of their sweatshirt — love me. On the back — not you stupid. I did some of that. When you do this, what are you getting out of it? Why? Are you getting it? Well, then, what do you want? I want to be stoked, too, you know? Love and affection, tenderness. Tenderness, a good word. Clueless.

Haha, the bouquet.

These have been my anchors because relationships are very real and according to Berne, you can tell a lot about one’s psychological framework. As is. In the real. I appreciated his book, his work, The Games People Play. Very serious, the games we play, they can be.

So I’m doing all that positive framing, clearing up this confusion in my relationship space which did me, in particular, an enormous amount of good, results. There’s nothing “unusual” or “defected” about me in that I can absolutely create what I want. I’m thanking what’s already happened, the friends in this present I am in for their gifts, their wisdom, their wanting me to keep reaching, glowing, becoming. I’m picturing where I am.

My friend called me over the past couple of days to say hi. Didn’t see her call. She thanks me for always being there. Is she alright? You see, that type of exchange, I want more of that. I call you, you call me. She supports my work. That’s my friend. The conflict resolution master’s student, no longer.

Trying to exercise these types of relationships.

Power, wonderful for “The Oldest Storyteller,” I had to readjust my relationship with that. I hated power, hierarchy, some of these structures. Plugged, spent some time bathing in the Hagia Sophia, divine feminine in a real world, too. Getting in touch with that approach to power, thinking about what was learned, about relationships too. I love that space so much. Sort of smoky.

I know who my parents are, were, understand that they were sick, not there anymore. I can move through life on a clearer foot, admit that I have needs, wants, like — no one is wrong, necessarily, people need different things. I’ve tried to simply plug into the types of relationships I want…how I want to feel…that I’d like to grow into rather than trying to get close to people who might not have the same needs and wants or even don’t totally gel with me. People have different relationships, no? That’s fine. I like all sorts of people, right? Sure.

A fundamental readjustment — that might change the architecture.

“Going out with my group of friends tonight,” pictures of me with a group of girlfriends in heels, right? This sort of thing. I want that. It’s like, when I think about me “the firecracker,” we will see this in my story about E.O. Those people love me, and I so appreciated them because that was a bit of a family vibe. But again, when you shift, it’s just an overall adjustment in terms of approach.

It’s a bartender’s story, an inspiring story…for a main character.

Taking my friend’s advice. “I’m here.” I’m a good friend. I can rely on my assistant very much, in terms of the type of friend that I am. People change. That too. It’s a lifetime. I’m aware of that. And people do extraordinary things at various times in their lives so I have no problem with all that “create your future stuff “— now.

Not sure if I’m going to Naples this Christmas. I have to think about it. I obviously want to film all that but Christmas comes every year…I have two years of film footage. I might take a break. I might continue to work, set myself up for next year. Not too sure yet. Had that thought. I’m so close, I’m so proud of myself, and I could maybe just continue to relax, work, and even do Christmas social, ha. That’s what I’m thinking right now.

I gotta talk to my sister though. I’ve needed some time to be able to try and talk to someone about what I went through, not the hypnotherapist, just the questions I had, and what’s been challenging about moving forward. I just dislike talking to my sister about this because she’s been through so much herself. That’s my goal. Just talking to her. I did reach out to an old family member but that was more like “hi.” That was quite a journey.

In my British cabinet of doctors innovating medicine in Silicon Valley, obviously, this is just an idea, my TV show idea, just thinking about what works if someone comes from traumas or situations that might require some concrete steps in shifting their perspective. I mean, even Seth says — if you don’t know what your ideas are then….if you’re saying “I want this,” I’m trying to get this, well, if it’s not happening, then why is that? So you might want to try to get to what is, I mean, everyone has gifts, obviously, so I’m trying to make them work for me in a more abundant way.

For me, I keep trying to click into that heart energy — “I am I am” someone told me that. And resonate on that frequency since that’s helping. I mean, plenty of people write books, build careers, thrive, etc. It’s not that hard. Craft, that too, since craft matters to me. I don’t have to keep referencing the past either, just keep going at this point, in terms of where my negative thinking in this regard comes from. Yes, the idea is very much — I did it. I wanted to be an example. Gratitude, I see myself in New York City. It seems that plenty of successful people also deal with states of mind, nerves, “writing blocks,” also. I appreciated that from a writer I follow who has been struggling with that. I always came from a powerful story? That doesn’t make me superior either. I really dislike that.

I hope that everyone can listen to Common, “the present is a gift and I just gotta be.”

That’s very true.

I kinda lean on The Oldest Storyteller as a wise character. In that “Death” is across, that’s every person, living thing, and there was something in that idea I appreciated. Death doesn’t care about “power” in a way. So, Lakshmi: my abundance does not mean at the expense of another. My power, that too. And that’s my friend Tara, right, talking to me about her studies and work since she’s a spiritual person. That’s, in my opinion, part of the wisdom of that figure. And it’s not religious. It’s across. Doesn’t matter what you believe in, we could even be in Eataly…

Like the man in prison who turned in Gotham City the Trilogy— he’s a symbol of strength. Difference, in my opinion, is something to respect. He’s going on a journey, alright, might have been very wronged, misjudged, don’t know about his backstory, don’t know all the details but he starts there. In this Gotham City Rises. Boom. That’s all I know. I think, in some regards, thinking about real people out there inspired me. That’s basically it. That story idea…I’ll see when I get there…that really supported me. They all did.

I gotta get to my draft this morning.

Still reading Bukowski for form and looking for other sources.

Thanks for reading.

I have stomach stuff sometimes still, yes, but that’s taking care of itself.