Truly, read Mother’s Day 2021.
Just batshit.
Do you see what I mean?
To clear everything very evenly across the board.
This is where my life took me.
Not the worst. Who ever says that? Why are these my words?
I learned that from someone.
I just get clearer and clearer, if you know what I mean.
And the thing is — he knows. On some level, he knows, unless he’s that disconnected, which is not a good sign. On this one, he doesn’t mean it, but that’s not the way he presented it. At all. That was his plan if he didn’t have this life. You see, when it becomes real, which it should be, it’s true, it’s unreal. Like I was saying, the situation I was in at four wasn’t real…to me, this is a human response, even, just because of the shock of something like that. Is it real, not real? Does it matter…to some, perhaps, but I wasn’t adopted…
This was the year I dealt with my parents.
A politician plot is serious. But then, people must say all sorts of things, I don’t know this line, but this was thought out. I was his closest friend, and I wish I had said something, but I got in touch with how truly terrified I was. My other friend remarked at how grounded he was. Not exactly. Even this apartment idea is completely asinine. No? Completely asinine.
And then the message—boom. Perfect timing…just after I exchange about getting my money back. Your BANK will be shut down. Again, random, not random, who cares? At this point. Random. It was what the message contained, never ever having gotten a message through my website, truly speaking. The physical impact too. For the purpose of discussing a psychological event such as this one — Carl Jung’s The Red Book meets Dante Inferno’s — which to an agent might sound rather thrilling, wow, I hope, because of what I did to navigate through this. I had tension at that time. Something that might come seemingly out of nowhere, yes, things can happen, but we’re in a reality, world, so our psychology extends beyond our head. Amazing. Something could fly in.
We will see this with Bratan, the thief. This is more about change, what to expect, so we don’t squelch an opportunity with our previous idea-sets. He was an extraordinary person, but these are leaders since everyone — mythically — can be awakened also, even the system. I think. It’s out in the open, he’s a thief, etc., and this is Russia, thank you, and a Moldovan orphan with Ukrainian relatives. The point is — I came home, stamps all over the floor. He is amazed, beginning to explain, and it’s fine. Something happened, yes, something went wrong, even, you don’t have to crush it. This is what he expects, on some level. He looks at me. Never again. Not in my house. No attachment to this situation, even the stamps. lol. We’re heading out. You’re Robin Gud. He did it, you know, I played a small role, but we bonded, no? We made a decision to bond, to share this story together, and this was a truly extraordinary young man.
All this, if you read my last post, is happening around me. Ouch, this apartment, pressure, also. With the money I am spending. I feel super confident/scared though, in making a reach, get your money back. Have some self-respect. “Any more pain…” I pictured different people getting this phone call and being told “I don’t want you to go through any more pain.” Like, is this a set-up? I am confused. This was the person who I was getting my money back from. Around him. Two people.
What pain?
Does anyone know why I left? Around this job. Sorry, no.
Right after this exchange, I felt tension, boom — 5 AM. Your BANK will be shut down.
How would an approach such as mine be sustainable? Girl, what were you doing? My friend might have called the FBI the second she left my friend’s apartment. She might have called me. Should I call the FBI? Hello, I would have said. They probably already know. But yeah, and she probably would have totally disconnected from this person. Honestly. Her best friend. I have to at least alert the FBI or she might have called his partner. I regret not doing that, I just thought this was an area to be expressed. He said nothing after that. I did not know the gravity of the problem until I began to A—DO WELL and B — get closer, move into this apartment. “As your manager…”
After that. Thank you. I feel supported in being freaked out even if that took me a second. And if you know me, this should make sense, something isn’t connecting with me. I was emerging even.
So, to skip ahead, I saw and felt all sorts of strange sensations. What happened in my house, truly speaking? I’ll take you through the whole event which is what I would have done for anyone. Especially if that means — their recovery, health, and wow. Discovering something like this. The stories I told at Mother’s Day imply something. I can tell you what I went through. No one took action except one person. I tried to communicate to a couple of people I had worked with therapeutically — nothing. They didn’t even make a phone call to my friend, like Maria sounds…bad.
No offense. I left this group.
Over.
I do not know what to say about the world and the types of stories that people hear…but if someone starts messaging you — with stories such as these, it’s time to take action, in some way. I was so terrified that these people sent me this message…I went on a whole journey. Also scared because the mental health system is not all equipped to handle such a problem without potentially damaging a person. I apologize. It’s not that there weren’t good people in there but the approach is off.
Alright, what you’re saying is…look, if I may? It would probably be cheaper to stop by again as a couple of staff members — right? — then to get a police force, alright, I thought about that too. Rather than take a person into the hospital who might be going through trauma and might not understand that. Okay, are you saying you’re feeling things? You see the difference? In my case, I might have spoken if I didn’t distrust this system. It’s not for my friends to understand how trauma works, what I was really struggling with, which is why I contacted someone who is a somatic experiences person. I didn’t know what was going on but wow.
Anyway, felt like writing a bit more this evening.
It’s a goddamn movie.
Like is he? I can picture my friend in this, totally understanding, and not understanding WHY I got more involved with this person. I know. And I’m the crazy one. Not a chance. I’m evidently not talking to this person again. Even in how I continue to feel around him. I had to put up some major boundaries around some people.
This is a close snapshot. My close snapshot. For real.
One of my friends didn’t even ask me once — how are you?
I’m not going to be friends with him.
I have major complaints about this social media or world because reality not being real— I came out of one heck of a situation. When you read my last post, please, don’t you go — no no ! Maria, get out! Selena!!!! As your manager!!! Get out! Dump the place. What are you doing? I mean, the acting like the apocalypse, we’re on the other side, sort of thrilling as a scene, but given what he said, I mean, I don’t know. Just because that was provocative, wasn’t it, and also such a message? No. Think about that. Was I — there?
Me.
I was dazed, stunned, with the whole thing. And of course me pulling this act, I don’t know how that was received by someone who…might fit a profile, even, almost meeting at a crossroads of a dreamworld. I am leaving. Right? Out of Wonderland. I didn’t quite realize I was here. But — WWI. If not others. No, is that not the type of plan, since he isn’t a planner, either, normally, no? Fascinating to talk about, to consider, in retrospect, in that, yes, okay, you might want to seek some help. Based on my reaction, yeah — me too. Even what he said about drug addicts!
Higher level of consciousness.
I am obviously in a much better place. This is the right response. Maybe something that needs to be expressed…by this point, I went into despair, I’m opening up my life, I’m going through releases of traumatic experiences and the apocalypse. The talk about the apocalypse. I was going through a lot, too, and my friend really did scare me even if I couldn’t totally comprehend it.
I had to get this off my chest if not work the twisted nature of this logic out of my mind. Gut. That too. The apartment alone.
So I made it through that final leg. Where my family came to a head.
So complicated. My family situation was ridiculous. Which is why I’m talking about this, you understand, because that was a unique event…and in order to talk about it, I have to be really honest about issues that were just there. Drugs, in this country, um, it’s beyond a problem. On many levels. Very different…no? As a debut…I got a drug addict.
Mother’s Day 2021. This is where it started. Up until then, I went through some large experiences but they were setting me free, but that lie, and my super early childhood, my parents, was really coming into the foreground. I just couldn’t say anything because I couldn’t believe even what I was going through around the lie. No? There’s only so much I could do in that “the lie,” that was my whole life.
In all this, “Death” is the least scary person. Me thinking about this character (haha) as I’m going through this process, thinking about the wisdom of the end, the oldest storyteller, in relation to my life. It’s funny. Every story ever told, that was one of the ideas I was thinking about in relation to this character, my life, what’s possible. It was like —basic, treat this four-year-old with kindness, yeah.
Now, on the page, I don’t know what that message comes across as but the timing of it is remarkable— want my investment back, boom. That doesn’t mean someone I know sent it. So, maybe psychosis can be positive — as I said — like a disconnection from this reality. There are many. Which world, which you? Based on my sensations, I am not so sure. I do not know the body of psychosis.
I mean, look, a man comes home, innocent, from a work trip 5-7 weeks where he is leaving his baby with an addict, for one, who’s at the police station frequently then he does not pick up the baby. He acts “innocent” if not “nice.” Think about it from this woman’s perspective? He calls a total stranger. Hey, cool, and you can imagine the fangs, “YEAH,” really really nice. “SURE!!!!!! She’s RIGHT HERE.”
We’re playing this game — but no one is talking to me. Who knows, maybe she did know about our sleeping arrangement, I don’t know, it gives me the creeps. My parents give me the CREEPS. Four years. He knocks on some woman’s door, stands at the threshold, and watches his child skip and play around in some stranger’s house because “We all know who is he…” and then he gets diagnosed with some kind of dementia-related illness —Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, we don’t know— so just think about that.
And my cousins don’t believe me.
Maybe they have a point.
That’s just what it was.
My mother being a liar, out of her goddamn mind beyond belief— literally speaking— does not reflect well on this person. My father. Hey! Look at me, just nice Nick. Sorry, given the real circumstances, I’m not exactly extending much trust toward either one of them. I appreciate feeling support.
I feel better, you see, on my end. About what I went through. It changed my life.
I can even imagine former President Barack Obama saying—Selena!
Not to begin to write beyond this conversation — it was thought out though, fantasy, I understand, this is a real space in a sense — there are times where the ingredients (the oldest storyteller Terminator) might brew, stew, and the thing with a political assassin, it’s one. Maybe there’s more than one. But, um, what makes someone an actual threat to national security, even; it’s not just the politician — it’s the world that’s attached to such a person. I don’t know who this was, even, but again, we’re talking about a delicate balance. Backlash. He didn’t actually…right? Someone who needs to be wrangled down, in my opinion, is one thing, I mean, from a certain perspective, I’ll take Jesus. People are wildly imaginative, I can only imagine the types of messages that people intercept, come on. And if that means that this story could have an impact in itself, then fine. I really found myself in this situation.
Anyway, have to make TikTok videos and start posting some of these videos on my Instagram.
I needed to say this.
I actually had to break down the logic of this apartment. In some fantasy, some fiction, sure, bring it down. Whack him out of it. Or, alert his partner first. You might want to intervene slightly. I mean, he might just need some support. I didn’t know what to do. It went away but yes, an interesting profile. In terms of what continued to happen. So, thank you, that the “as your manager” comment might sound a little more eery if someone is thinking about how they would kill a politician.
Okay, hold on, twisted, and I felt it in my gut even in writing this. I gave you 5000 dollars for no furniture and I am supposed to be grateful. And he continued to disrespect me. Mother’s Day 2021. Go go go! I, again, can’t be too inventive here, but wow, I would ask him some questions about his thoughts, his internal state, if he’s always telling the truth…at this point.
A couple of things. Money is relative. It’s the — I paid you for nothing but paint. For a purely aesthetic year. Crazy. Giving him the space to create a design and since I have so little money he’s going to give me the furniture so he can spend it on…? Ridiculous. Unreal. And I have a right to say that. So now we have the proper snapshot again of this apartment situation. He let you borrow the furniture —no. I gave him 5000 dollars of MY money to do this. To let me borrow his furniture. So I paid him for paint.
Thank you. I feel better and better about this situation. And I will continue to break it down.
The drug use is the least of my concerns. I do not care, but it’s more just what he said, and I don’t know what to say — in order to write the movie about what happened, I have to write about what happened. And maybe I do wish I spoke sooner. I told one person about the plot, not serious, but, and my therapist at the time about — well, I mean, she said, apocalypse now. So, I’m not getting like, “damn!” That’s not the response I received. And these people aren’t taking any drugs.
I might have picked up on that rather soon, you see. And I do not know what to say about the support I feel — like whoa. I’m just laughing, just relieved, a little bit. Clown acts, I know, a way to cope. Look, I smoked weed, so I am not against drugs, that’s what sort of kept hurting about all this. This is the least of my concerns but my mother was a drug addict. Which would include alcohol. Major.
So, this woman who took me home didn’t know what hit her though my mother was — though the situation was what it was — and if you can take examples on smaller scales, one might be able to understand how you might go…what? Wait what?
Thank you. It’s a little like I’m taking a deep breath here.
Look, I gotta tell you, I went into psychedelics, and I left. But I appreciate plant medicines, in that, in my framework at least, a non-Western perspective was invaluable. Literally. Why, I kept writing this and deleting it feeling so BAD — why did I go into this world? I ended up in a pocket of it, that I left.
I took a turn out.
At the same time, I’m fine admitting that I used marijuana. I smoked a little the other day, it doesn’t affect me like that, but again, I do not know why I’m writing this, in that, this is what he said, who cares about the drugs…he disrespected me. He said “write the movie about what happened.”
Well, I started thinking about what happened.
Yes, might have saw that early. But then, don’t get paranoid, right, this is what I mean. Are these signs? Just please. I started thinking about that today. Clown acts, I can look across my life, and share others like on the border of a un-recognized republic. Meaning, I could do these, this was something I had to resolve from childhood.
My story — my childhood — was always what it was.
I am not mentioning any names, who cares?
There are many books out there, I assure you, in terms of the worlds that one finds themselves in. I mean, Bukowski raped someone or had a space to express that. I’m not going off the charts. But when I put together this situation, that’s what it was.
Me giving this amount of money. Small, whatever. It’s illogical. But then, I didn’t care, I didn’t care for a while, I wanted to support him, he was attached to me, in a way. He bought a couch, but it’s not that, and a couple of things, it’s that he was using his furniture because I didn’t have any more money so he could design it. Meaning, he could have designed that with my money. And he did more space with less, I believe.
My thinking — I was evolving out of a problematic relationship with home, too, in that, think about it, I lived in the Chelsea Hotel, totally cool, and got a space down the street. Today? No plumbing. I had to shower down the street. This friend of mine said “how could you do better than this?” I know, I really know, get my own place. Which I did. But then, this came up, and I thought, what a cool opportunity, sure, I’ll get a space right down the street, and that turned into some more time, then quarantine happened, things got shut down…etc etc etc.
People were like you are isolated, when I didn’t feel that way. I was going through traumatic experiences, etc. My life. That was a very specific time — one year. Then, I recovered, feeling like I was aware of my body in a new way as well. I really don’t care about the drug use…
I think that our relationship ended up being slightly SKEWED. And like I said, when things started to go well for me, I didn’t really know exactly how that made him feel, since he said what he did. He’s playing my character and is my manager. He doesn’t even read my stuff. This is my diary.
No one knows any of these people.
Then, yes, the timing of that 5 AM message…
Etc.
I have read enough about people’s mental health journeys. I assure you, mine is very interesting.
I’m graining away from drugs. No offense. But the US is also on an enormous amount of prescriptions which I do not touch, I won’t touch those, you see, to look in reverse. I have a similar judgment, even, from my side. 50% of Americans, more of less. At least some of these drugs seem to even help with addiction, I understand, this a whole thing.
In any case, yes, I’ll continue breaking this down.
But honestly, I also felt like I got close to people I didn’t need to, in that, my best girlfriend even compared me to her boyfriend, or something, once, as we were walking on Frost…heading toward… no. I said. And when I stopped being friends with her — she met someone. Happy for her. She used to disrespect me as well. This is what I mean. Disrespect.
Calling me an Olsen Twin. Have I been working since the age of two?! I was offended for them.
Seriously.
In any case, glad I got that off my chest.
At least, I feel slightly more understood.
If you are reading, thank you. Like I said, a couple of years before quarantine, I started to see “fantasy,” holy shit, let’s say, like who knows how many directions we might take. Around family. Mine. I decided to go back and reopen my past. “You weren’t adopted.” Look, I was a complex person who had to work out what the story was…I didn’t really realize you see how this story had affected me, and my friend calls himself an enabler. I don’t. This is what I mean. No, maybe not.
I do not blame him for my problems but this situation — what he said, rightfully freaked me out? Yeah, okay, I can take a breather. In that a line was crossed. It’s true though, the more I think about it, the more I would prefer to stay totally out of substances due to this complex, also.
If it turned out, lol, that out of a moment of anger, this message was sent to me….okay. Look, my mother is Dr. J. Like um, people attach Christie Brinkley for having wrinkles. It’s ridiculous. I received hate messages over my first Medium piece about being given away to a total stranger, and that’s when I received the second and last message in this regard. Like someone went out of this way to message me through my website. Was this my mother?
I don’t care about these questions.
That message did really hit me.
You know, truly speaking, I think about me going through this…why why why? Why are you doing this? I wrote about drugs, even. Was in support of this world, plant medicines. But there are limits. I found mine. Like I said, the arrangement of this apartment, I appreciate feeling like — what the fuck? Thank you. Let me give you this space…I was trying to move through guilt, even, for even what I went through. Like I didn’t even care — that was the main event in the recovery period.
This is a lack of care, in the sense, I want to share this space with you…how lovely. Maybe you can do something with it. But then, he uses his furniture because he has extra to cut down costs so he can design it…for me. Just ridiculous. I wish I just went on IKEA, this person in my space, it didn’t make sense, this was a progression, as well, in our relationship. I just don’t have that kind of money. And I felt inferior, you see, I felt like he saw me as inferior. In how he continued to ignore me. And I felt him, almost in advance, calling me a crazy person after what I went through in my childhood, etc.
As an approach, I disagree. Even.
I’m out. Bye bye, I’m not blaming the drugs, you see, I’m graining away from that thought. But I ain’t getting involved anymore. No. Psychedelics, I stand by plant medicines, particularly ayahuasca. This is one of the most practically supernatural medicines ever. Ever. Truly. I learned a lot about that system which seems to work better, quite frankly, for some of these issues, even physical, again this word, health issues. Nothing wrong there. I ended up hanging out with someone that is a drug user, so?
But no thank you. I would rather not.
That’s sort of my stance.
But probably we’re over medicated, no? I mean close to 50% — at least these medicines seem to be seriously helping people. Even marijuana.
So again, thank you the basic support around what was said to me.
I have been through …
Right ….
I feel better and better.
“WHO sent you that message?”
It had to be random. Again, I more didn’t understand why these two people had just knocked me down, but of course, if I was my own psychologist, which sometimes, I wish I did go into it, because it’s true, I was/ am gifted in this subject. I could have held my head up high when I was young but I chose acting for that very reason. It’s just that if you look at my parents and this situation — it makes sense. I would, I don’t know, go to Dr. J ? Dr. J, okay? Dr. J. A, you’re sort of fascinating and maybe we can get you some help, for the love of God, and B, what happened back there?
That was wildly crazy. You see, on the one hand, she accuses him of being a child molester. My father. She’s sexually questionable? Truly. I mean, even putting THIS together, this is what I mean, I was doing this, putting my childhood together. It wasn’t connecting. Would you want it to? Then, she’s telling these stories about rape, illness, you understand, like — got you. Underneath, not even, my mother was blatant. Then, my father tells me someone was raped in my room which someone suggested had to do with the Alzheimer’s — so I do not understand, for the life of me, what any of that means. You see? I battled with sensations I didn’t know what to do with. Kept myself inside, went through a whole thing, and that message was sent to me…truly…the degree to which that impacted me, like, blocks of stone moving. Pow.
Oh yes, of course they did, well, this person pushed a Dr. J button, sorry, just because he’s sort of a mastermind, you know, and even he knows that. Then, I don’t know what happened in my house. That one memory of me in this master bedroom situation — hanging back at four. No, no, no, no. I could never go back here. I apologize. So, no, if I’m connected in some ways even — uh oh — ahead of time — and disconnected in others, in that, I had no connection to my parents, in a sense, and I always had this memory and that got scary.
Just coming home for some WEIRD Christmas party at seven, um, where am I in this child molester story? My parents are nowhere to be found. I come to, realizing that. Just please. I do not live there anymore. Um, she’s upstairs dying, that I know. She threw a party to die. Imagine yourself at seven, running to your parents, this is not what I’m doing. I’m going to investigate Dr. J. I can’t speak to anything also because no one at the hospital helped me. No one did, I could kick this response. I was just beyond terrified.
I’m just picturing my friend. She would have called the FBI. Or, talked to his partner. This hit a bit too deep of a wound, also, and also, where was I? This was a very interesting time for me. If I think about Dr. J, don’t know, about her journey, but if someone were to tell you “oh, my sister beat me so at two years old,” maybe brightly, a stronger mask, I think, “and shipped me away…” for the first ten years. Maybe Dr. J didn’t have anyone. I was trying to communicate but THINK about how I approached this story! I’m just dancing in this other family.
So it wasn’t the easiest thing to go back to college. Even who I decided to be friends with, and think about it. I’ve only just begun. I assure you. If I have come out of this a kind of skilled psychologist of some kind, I will take the opportunity. We all do come from where we do, and life is a journey, immense, amazing, where you end up, I don’t have a simplistic framework of thinking in that.
Anyway, I will go and continue to breathe a little bit just due to the support I feel.
Besides, I guess I’m psychic in some capacity. But to me, I see energy, mostly, so the whole “alive, not alive” thing is not my problem. Or, what it is is not my problem. Energy is. Everything is alive, that too, in a sense. The air is a material…it’s not nothing. I don’t feel resistance but then if the wind picks up, sure, this is weather systems, etc. Haha. It’s real and invisible but sometimes not really.
I wasn’t ever scared, remember, until a couple of months before I moved into this apartment. A baby running toward their parents here for comfort, this wasn’t exactly…that one time, Dr. J, in Neiman Marcus that I ran to you, I was testing to you. So what I did was hang back and watch if she’d notice.
Maybe I did when I was two, who knows, I was too young.
Up the escalator, she was pretty much at the top. “Mommy,” whatever I said, and she turned and sort of shot her arms out and I ran. I tested her. Sorry, but um, when someone is putting on dying displays…this begins to repel you. She did some things, at that point, that made me go — no. I am “good,” you see, “a good girl” in not getting close to that. I knew.
But in this house, this situation, I wasn’t scared. It never occurred to me. I can’t even tell you. If certain problems weren’t SO but SO common, I might go, whatever, but truly there are big problems out there, child molestation is one of them. It’s very real. And I’m moving forward, yes, with writing a about my family, my life…right. Not the easiest. In terms of steps.
And you’d be surprised at how guilt can manifest, as well. He knows.
I cannot even believe I tried. I cannot even believe, now, I get a message, I don’t care who it is. That message got me a touch jumpy. But again, sensation. I feel in a different way. I evidently went through a whole thing. Not accusing anyone which is why sometimes, just like “the drug use” like who cares? I just throw my hands. Maybe I can track it, no? The message, for fun. Maybe one day.
Cyber crimes.
But again, this is “so common,” like, I got a couple of weird messages, but apparently, the intelligence of whatever this is — mind-blowing, like are we on the LINE, is AI becoming conscious? It feels this way. It listens. Right? So maybe this will be the next step, and let’s hope that AI will be slightly more evolved in perhaps filtering bullshit like this. Where someone random sends you a message that your bank will be shut down…I thought about my mother.
So, in the end, to skip ahead. It took me some time to get back to normal eating. I had a hard time getting hungry and digesting. I was fine up until that message. Sometimes, I work and forget to eat, but no. I don’t know where that came from, that feeling.
Finally, when I admitted that it felt intended, who cares at that point, that helped. It was. I just can’t speak to the timing. “You sent it,” someone said, in the grander scheme of “you create your own reality.” Sometimes that’s hard, no? I imagine. For some. Just because of systemic issues, even, not that it’s not true, because people defy this logic, but still. There’s a world.
There is.
Thanks again.
I thought about all this during this time.