What am I supposed to say to that?
You see, I worked through so much, it doesn’t matter anymore.
I kept bowing, in a sense, to the story that brought me here….headed out.
Over.
It’s a good scene. I think. Again that’s just what happened.
Forget the food in that case. I can deal with that in another way.
You know, I needed to think outloud today, and I’ll move on.
In a sense, I lost a lot a couple of years ago. I had to say some goodbyes. What that means in physical reality is one thing. I’ve had to deal with what held me back for real. I guess I wasn’t expecting…the profundity of what that shift was…and how much better I feel but how so at the beginning I feel. Not like there was anything wrong with my life but I knew what I wanted to do…and then I sort of disappeared. That was the theme. I suppose I lived in Paris, I don’t even know. Had interesting adventures.
What was…really driving all that?
This is about reuniting with them. The sport of Christmas. I obviously need to work on that scene but the basic gist is there. That’s the conversation. Afterward, I narrate. Boom, the questions start coming. Of course, it’s understandable. Christmas. But that’s my Christmas. Somewhere else.
When I went through this scene…this one took me some time. Like, why are you doing this? If anyone dared to do this to me again, but then, yeah, ten years later, “what do you mean he had Alzheimer’s?” And you know, like a shaman said, you think you’re so evolved? Go spend a few days with your family. The holidays, especially. To these people, they don’t understand that.
Family is who everyone spends their time with. Not everybody but.
So, yeah, I get overwhelmed with how much story there is. The structure is driving me a little crazy. Them singing to me is great. To me, that’s the feast of the immaculate conception, I think. Them beginning to give me the culture, etc. And then, sure, My Way reprise, boom. I was rotten fruit. Well, you know, there’s that, too. Born without sin. I was four. I was rotten already. Just that concept of being born with sin, something wrong with you, and here comes Mary…my name is Meri…who has to be conceived, born without sin, and so many people confuse what this day even means.
Just their faces, though, when I blurted. “When the fruit is no good, when the fruit is bad!” I’m like clapping. Carmine. “When babies are not good babies…” They thought I was joking. I suppose I could move the “first questions” and baby gambling after that. Except that’s right outta the gate.
You see, maybe that would be hard for some people in my life to even understand…but that’s the start point. I am rotten. Not good. There are baby teeth, no, even, at that one. That’s what she said. And the Neapolitans could even wave at me as if they saw the baby. lol. “Si, si.” It’s one thing to say, sure, I’ll take that one off like a hat, except it doesn’t work that way. No item of clothing, necessarily, was going to remove that stain. Me being four, even, call it a bit of a slap back in the face at this point.
Maybe that’s better.
I know I don’t remember myself. That’s step one. For them.
For me, this is “okay, another family don’t get adopted.”
Me not remembering myself is a more recent understanding of the situation.
After that scene, I think it’s understandable why I wasn’t sure if I was going to do this. I suppose after all that, I hope that this is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter in my life because this draft or just writing my story in general was quite an experience…
This is all I do right now. That’s it. I don’t feel like traveling around…I feel more like getting myself going, out there. I just had a “Ahhhh” day with this draft. I’m going to post on videos, go to bed early, and keep putting it together.
I hope you enjoyed that scene though. Just crazy.
No, no, no, no, that’s not what happened.
It’s long, and sometimes, I’m like, you know, you might just want the dialogue in that scene. Sort of take out of the rest. That’s why I liked Bukowski because there are scenes of dialogue and then prose. I’m reading other things too. I have a good feeling about it…
I might just start at that first feast. Heading over, trying to warn them. Just because you’re right in the action. And I’ll keep trying to get out of a rigid form. Just because I remember these scenes, some of these scenes, verbatim. I know you get there, settle in, etc., as an approach, but I’m trying to figure it out stylistically. Like, after this scene. It’s gambling for children. I get questions. the same questions. And that’s step one. It’s so dramatic that I don’t know why I would take you through the house, yada yada. Not yet. What a story is fascinates me.
After that, we’re off.
“To them, I didn’t remember who I was.” I just said—no, don’t get adopted. I mean, I could do the film version. No problem. At this point? Truly. But this isn’t a film.
Thanks for reading.
Sometimes, you know, now? Once Upon a Time on Miracle Mile is going to be the essay. I’m going to try that. What the truth is? That’s interesting to me. For me, It’s weird to look at myself and go, yeah, I was in that situation, and Dr. J is on Linkedin. But it’s better that I got here, and I wish I had gotten here sooner, instead of getting wrapped up in what I did with people who had no idea. Truly. That gave me particular gifts…
She wanted nothing to do with me, forget the couple of appearances. And why? Her problems were so severe. I mean, that’s really fucked up. She’s super fucked up. Yeah, that’s a clean statement in my case. None of that sentimental stuff. She gave you away to save you from herself, seriously. This was insisted upon. My father is just as responsible. Playing the innocent guy, so strange, that guy, was so strange.
I hesitate to use the “she was wounded” since that drove my actions. But bring it on. There are plenty of other people who don’t get that kind of attitude that could use it. That too. You know, I suppose I never really thought about it outside of her psychology. She had bigger problems than me. I was very young with that understanding. I suppose she was my mother somewhere so some of her problems I might have found particularly challenging.
I was thinking about the oldest storyteller, as I do, because I like that idea, even if it’s just that. I suppose we make decisions on all sorts of levels that we might not even be aware of. Sometimes, I go, wow, okay. I made a decision to stay. I made a decision that I wanted to live a long life. Like, I hope I don’t have to know this, but I am glad I did what I did on some level because I could have gotten sick. That’s pretty clear to me. I did some pretty profound healing there…
Life is long. It can be. I suppose people go through different phases. I think, I know what my value is, that I am smart, etc., it’s just that even the idea that I don’t have a career right now…that hurts a little just because I made decisions based on all that crap. And sure, there’s a good character, someone who made different choices in life…chooses to be available, present in a different way.
A clown, the daughter of a Joker. That’s what I hope to get to :))))))) Truly.
Look, on some human level, I suppose I chose this life for its challenge. It’s not to say it’s the most challenging. My house gave me a lot to think about, so. Even karma. I thought about that too. Just because of the “and then, he has Alzheimer’s.” And it was a secret. And what the hell was that even…him standing at the door, just please. I’m playing “I’m so happy” at four. Over all this. Ignoring him in a state of forced glee. Ya know?
They became my psychological cases. This is who I became. Launching investigations.
As if this was my soul’s interest.
Which is why I went into acting, quite frankly, but I just couldn’t do it.
I mean, now, yes, I probably will at least go into a class. I’ll probably head back to the states, and I obviously hope that I sell something. I’m not that concerned.
Hopefully, I chose this life, since I felt that way at four, that felt very clear to me, because it had a reward of some kind or let’s say um, more accurately, potentially an impactful result. I could leave something behind based on the experience and learning that came out of the journey.
This first book is…whoosh. It’s been a little whoosh.
What do I say about the last family? In that, mental health issues are there. Right. We all come from that. My sister, both her parents were ill. Im just saying. When you go “yeah you choose your family…”
Barbara Harris street fighter. I’m just laughing. You know, just to share this. Like this morning, the stalls of Istanbul with Barbara Harris. She popped up into my head, right? When I was looking for the saucepan. Sort of coming to help me make my eggs. Isn’t that sort of sweet? Sometimes, she can pop up like that very specifically. She can pop up laughing at something I said, her laughter through me is so healing. But I have these moments with her. Like that.
I suppose I had to create or co-create, I do not know, my own means of supporting myself through this moment. I think about people all the time, or think about what or who I am writing about, no, lots of characters. It’s funny that her story is so supportive on some level since I am not attached to interpreting these sorts of things. Energy, yes. I mean, I never had the experience that there’s “an end” in the fatalistic, nothing, way. On the contrary. But still. Harris being adept…in some fashion…makes me laugh, it does. Even in thinking about her, her energy, and all that, it’s sweet. Different ages too.
Alright, thanks. Good night.