I’m staring at notecards.
I’m looking at groupings.
“She was sent away like me…” so I see that maybe this present situation I was reflects a real past. Then I have “mirror mirror on the wall…” where I go to her room of mirrors.
Then I have over here: can you imagine lying about that? About your own husband? But isn’t it already a lie? Wouldn’t it require lying? So, how could you lie about that? Right… as I’m wondering if she was sexually abused when she was a child… specifically by someone in her home. Like, I read about the woman in France who confessed that she lied that a boy raped her because her brother did, and this expert in the NYTIMES said, “that happens because you can’t accuse a member of your family.” I’m already on that channel. It requires lying.
Then over here, I have her eyes — as her physical appearance deserves analysis, but her eyes in particular. Her eyes were the shade of the sky, and in short, “we tend to think of the path of a villain as a fall from grace, but JOY showed another way was possible… up up up into the sky the color of her eyes not down down down the inevitable fall…” so there’s a reversal of concept. The light becomes dark, the dark becomes light. Her eyes aren’t GREEN, they are DISNEY blue.
Okay— I will develop the DISNEY thread as it relates to child abuse.
I have that next to “pure/impure” as I was four contemplating child abuse and sex in Catholic Mass. I was studying “pure regards” at the time. Dr. J had a “pure regard.” There was something pure about her… which struck me because she was so impure, I got the picture, though I didn’t understand the “tremolos” and the “tra la las” so to speak. Now, I could deduce that I was pure because I was four. I could deduce that in a Sunday hat. I also gathered that sex was impure to these people. So if I am pure, and this is impure, and I came from this act, why am I pure and why is it impure? I was confused, fundamentally.
I don’t know how that adds up to anything yet, except that this relationship — our ideas about dark versus light, were insane. At four, I saw that quite clearly. That, to me, Dr. J’s problem was twisted as our ideas about all this are twisted, really. She was twisted, but this was twisted. Huh.
I have this notecard down here: how do we become who we are? That’s a development. I know that. I was studying criminality, of course. Because, already, it will become clear, that I am going to be told very young that I might become my mother, which was shocking to me, considering who she was. And I’m going, “wow,” putting FATES onto people before they are even born… wow.
I have “I was at a disadvantage as a child, I knew that…” looking at my mirror, hers, out of the corner of my eye. I believe she reflected the truth, Joy, in her universe of mirrors. So that’s probably going to have to come pretty early on. Although, I’m at the Beverly Hills Tennis Club, and the first scene I think stays, so I might be rushing ahead. No Dr. J yet.
Scene one: Angelica tells me what my mother accused my father of: rape, molest, beating. The works. Right now, the next scene is me watching the tennis match, and giving context — this situation fascinated me… that’s clear. Psychology. I reference Eric Berne and his book from 1961, The Games People Play. I was already on that channel. And because it was about child abuse, essentially, I was amazed by the logic in it. What was this game? It terrified me, fascinated me. So I launched an undercover investigation into the psychology of it. It was a passion, it really was.
I’m still on step one though, so I can’t rush through the steps. You have no idea what’s going on as the reader, but hopefully you’re on board with me, this kid with a mushroom cut, for I had met “a couple of Delilah’s already.” Angelica Leibowitz refreshing herself with her Diet Coke. First, I needed to get the basics straight. I was not doing this “thing” called interpreting. I had no idea. That I knew. It’s just hilarious that Angelica Leibowitz is on board. You’ll see why.
Probably, I need to establish the story before going into Dr. J, that’s a development. So, sequentially, in reality, it begins with “did I really live with you for four years…” I asked that over and over and over again. I intended to record her. I knew people changed their stories, for sure, I was Dr. J’s daughter, especially when “shit got real.” Isn’t that right, Dr. J? There, we’re going to see shuffling across the court, loud squeaks. I asked her the same questions, all over this deck, as if I was holding onto the racket too tight, like I could rapid fire — she said THIS THERE and THERE and THERE while eating her SALAD, WHILE she regarded the people in the jacuzzi. THEN she smiled. She was my opponent, savior, caretaker, complicated.
I knew I was at a disadvantage as a child. I was automatically at a disadvantage. Adults weren’t necessarily going to tell me the truth, the whole truth, so I had to record it as best as I could, also interested in studying memory, as I was studying many ideas at the same time. I had different files so-to-speak in a drawer labeled “undercover investigation” in a fourth grader’s handwriting. “Incest, child abuse, imagination, intention, the truth, memory…” In short, I knew that it might not all make sense to me, so I was going to have to take it in… and maybe one day… I’d reopen it as an adult, or with one, and it would make sense. I just wasn’t prepared for what happened the day that I did—— this is a different aspect of the game.
It’s not what I BLOCKED out, it’s what I couldn’t connect. Meaning I had these memories, I just didn’t realize I had them, exactly, and I’ll get there, as this relates to my family, so there are ties, simply. And then, forget it, it was brutal in the world out there. I had nothing but opponents. You’ll see. I’m going to get enraged. Tennis.
That’s for later.
I’m just going to leave that. I think that’s fine, another cliffhanger. Not being prepared for the day that I did.
“So what happened when you came over to my house?”
That’s where I got. I’m not AT Dr. J yet. I think that’s good.
I’m going to leave it at that and take a FRIGGIN deep breath to reference my New Jersey roots, for the LOVE OF. I’ve had a wickedly difficult time just getting here. It’s all I needed to do. Notecards. But then, you’ll see, it took me my life thus far to get here. So, I took a walk, I went up to the Christmas tree vendor, and I told her I have never bought a Christmas tree, so how does this work? I thought I might start small, because I need to buy some ornaments.
This is life to me. This would have been the psychologist I wish I had. Not like everyone celebrates Christmas, but get into it, actually. Buy a Christmas tree once a year and collect ornaments. I laughed thinking about Obama, once again, as he ended up being a great guide through the Dante-sque journey I had… getting annoyed at my angsts with the world.
I’ll buy the Christmas tree soon. I need to get a stand, a skirt for the needles. I’ve seen people set up their tree, I’ve helped out before. I just don’t like the sentiment that comes with me simply expressing that. I had to just step over that. It’s all good. I’ve celebrated Christmas, relax, I’ve gone to people’s houses, I’ve gotten out the ornaments… it’s not like I haven’t celebrated Christmas. I’ve just never done it on my own. I chose not to. I wasn’t someone who cared about the holidays. I feel like I took on some emotional pressure that I didn’t need. So I’m going to buy my first Christmas tree. I went once with my old roommate, I pitched in, I think, and helped her carry it. But now, I get to do it myself. I’m going to get a Christmas tree, I’m going to decorate it, and I’ll even buy myself “a nice Christmas present” within my means, type deal. Earrings, classic. I remember “the diamonds” yes, hilariously. My second surrogate mother finally got her diamond earrings, the real ones, and her daughter and I raised our brows at one another, elbowing each other, and beginning to play announcers again. I spent the holidays elsewhere. She’s my cousin’s wife, now that I worked out these issues. She’s my cousin’s wife. Progress. Just because, this situation caused me nothing but complications moving forward.
Okay, I feel solid about that.