Psychosis versus Repressed Trauma

Okay, taking a deep breath, alright? I thought this morning, there must be a way to capitalize on AI to make money. That’s what everyone says. I’ve been researching digital products, and I’m trying to think creatively about how I can make money and also meet people. That sort of thing.

I landed here: my mental health event.

It pertains to the book I’m writing, even in how repressed trauma and psychosis can mirror one another? I’ll talk to the sexual trauma specialist, and maybe I can find another expert on psychosis, and track my experience — I might try and contact Jeffrey Allen, maybe, later on, and get the perspective of an energy worker. I might call a neurologist too. “Can you break down the nervous system as it relates to psychosis? Repression?” Here is a comprehensive guide. I’ll run tests with my physician, too, and assess. I could share what I learned through a confusing moment— no one asked a question about what I went through physically. I read “twisting” in the stomach as a sign of psychosis. Why is no one at the hospital ASKING these sorts of questions? Why didn’t anyone ASK? “Are you experiencing sensations?”

Is that so crazy? Look, your friends did X, they contacted us, is there some USE in ACTING all — weird? Not laying it out? Talking to someone for real? JOSE, the comic, this idiot, lol, he’s pointing — “some people look okay, but they’re not.” So just because someone SORT of looks okay doesn’t mean that they are. Focusing on the body takes away some of the defense around being crazy, right?

I’m telling you, this hospital trip. You cannot ASK questions about what someone is going through sensationally? These so-called mental health experts from Korea, a country I love, as we are relatives, I am the Korean of Europe, you are the Italian of Asia, let us see one another. Drove me nuts. People go through medical emergencies.

Here’s the first resource I can provide people whose loved one might go through a medical emergency — you might not be equipped to handle an emergency situation. It’s not the time to act, in my opinion, like the person is suddenly better, or whatever. Think care. In the basic understanding of that word. Like, lay down. Do you need someone to cook you some food? I was 93 pounds, I couldn’t eat.

I couldn’t verbalize. I was terrified that those plant people sent me the threat through my website, and I mean, the guy farted on the phone at me after all that, so I might not have been wrong? My doctor thought that maybe the psychedelics weren’t the best idea. Ayahuasca reactivated itself in my gut, I mean, was that healing? I have no idea. EPIC. Maybe I should think about an EPIC article more in that direction — the most EPIC mental health experience.

“And then, ayahausca reactivated itself in my gut…”

I saw three psychic screens — oh my god. I could feel gentle winds in my head. One, two, three— psychic screens. I know what they are, I know they aren’t really there, but that’s slighly misleading in my opinion, as I’m generating the image through my field of perception. I’m not confused on that level, which is why I asked the Ukrainian refugee to describe the quality of the image, the hallucination he had. It might have taken a second, but “was it transparent? Was it a flesh and blood looking?”

Just to understand.

I do not know what to say about me… being sensitive… I do not know what that means. People spoke about me as if I were the most psychic person, someone “not understood in this culture.” That’s when Barbara Harris appears in my mind, and I start laughing. I don’t know what that means. No thanks. There was a time when that wasn’t in my life. It did not benefit me. In fact, I’m still trying to clear my head, so I can even open up to the idea of intuition, again.

Here’s a tip—boundaries. Try it. See if it clarifies a few things as that concept extends beyond the literal. I do believe in the energy body. Intention. Projection. The value of neutral state. I don’t know quite how to talk about that, but I do believe in establishing differences, for example. During my conversation with the Ukranian refugee, I said, I cannot relate to you, so it establishes a boundary between us.

In general I believe in respecting differences more so than relating.

I was reading a NYtimes article that sort of critiqued boundaries. I’m not a fan of “this is yours, this is mine,” that’s not how I mean it. But drawing boundaries around my personal space helped me as I was unable to exercise discernment, even with this guru, as that was clearly not a person to get involved with. Now I feel more at ease, I don’t need to get close to everyone. It’s not my job to open up for the world, either. YOU open up. I’ll talk to an energy worker, too, about some of that, as my closest friend at the time was going through a dark time, where he might have had an agenda with me or had murderous thoughts generally? Did I pick up on anything? I’m lost there. I’m thinking that I’ll really use it as an opportunity to explore the depth of it.

Am I psychic? I have no idea, should I ask around? Should I seek assistance in figuring that out? It made the experience all the more confusing. And people are telling me I’m psychic based on what exactly? Maybe I’ll try and contact Jeffrey Allen, as I did appreciate his course, once I completed the preliminary research. Just because psychic, who isn’t? Who doesn’t have that dimension? But if I told Jeffrey Allen some of the experiences I started having, I wonder what he would have said.

Like, “if you’re that sensitive to new moons?” As I went through a crazy expereince at Ashford Castle during this new moon, blue moon, whatever it was. I don’t totally understand psychedelics, because my physician said they stay with you, is that true? Ayahuasca, yes, I’ve read, and that definitely got reactivated through this… event.

I’m just going to take a deep dive and explore the totality of it. And hopefully, it might contribute something to the conversation. I don’t think that implementing some reforms to a mental hospital would necessarily be that complicated. Even providing someone something to read if they can. And that goes for people on the outside.

You know, Lisa Rios, family is a tough one to crack, because it can be cruel, I don’t know how that relates to her, but it was spooky how her sister called as he began talking about how she got here. If she was a suicide attempt just because she’s dancing on rooftops? Maybe it was literal. But the fear around it is acute.

So yeah, Dante was here. Dante came through here. I was there, whatever that means. I did feel like my head was blown. I had that sensational experience as well. Again, there’s something about rooting, trying to, these experiences into the body that relinquishes some of that “crazy” stuff. It’s more like a doctor trying to understand what’s happening. I’m sure that there’s some innovative mental hospital or clinic out there, no? I’ll try and find them. But a mental hospital would vouch that energy dynamics are real, since a new person that enters the ensemble might change the room. I noticed that. Those states, let’s say, might have an affect beyond an individual’s body as I had the experience of seeing Lisa Rios’s eyes open behind my closed eyes. I felt like a brume of Christian imagery as she rattled on about it, saints, Popes. She woke up talking about the Pope. Her energy affected me.

And, well, there are people who believe I picked up on my father’s dementia, as I felt time bend a couple of times when I was 9-10 years old which would have been around the time he was diagnosed. Maybe we’re wired to our parents, synced in, I can’t describe that. Telling me “I pierced through the fabric of reality,” that’s interesting. More superhero Maria talk, you know, for real. “You can do that,” he said. “Pierce through the fabric of reality.”

I could put something together about it. I might be able to interview people who work at the hospital too, about how they feel energy dynamics play a role in the space. The man who worked the hall, he would put on music to calm everyone down, sometimes, so they’re aware of group dynamics. You can sync up in an improvisation, so I might have synced up with her, a moment. They might have insights and stories to share.

I came from a complex case, I don’t know which one it is: repressed trauma, psychosis? Thinking about to my time with the GURU, he spoke of ENERGY rising, all this stuff, “like can you ride the wave? You’re STIRRING it up…” I was confused, because WHY am I having this conversation? Is he saying that because HE himself went through these “waves.”

That was completely ridiculous.

I did not need: “this is an awakening” when the plant people had no idea what I just went through. An awakening to what? A spiritual awakening? Ask a question! WHAT DID YOU GO THROUGH? Body wise. This was about “belonging.” Not one single person asked a question. I mean, if you go through sensations in areas of your body, don’t you think that would stir someone up? Wouldn’t that help with diagnosis? No one really interacted with anyone. You might have to exercise gentleness, in fact, as someone people might not be responsive.

So I’ll dig in. I’ll investigate what the body of it is, and I’ll see if there’s anything interesting I can contribute to the conversation.

I might work on a guide for friends and family as to how to deal with a loved one who goes through this, meaning, acting like nothing happened, getting sentimental about it, not being upfront, might not help someone. Acting like you know what they just went through might not help someone. Telling someone “this is about betrayal,” don’t be ridiculous. I was blown away by these two men who said that, when it makes no sense. “I don’t want you thinking this is about betrayal…”

WHY are you saying that?

Don’t.

Ask a question.

The guy was farted at me said that, the one who “didn’t send me the message at 5 AM.” But when he’s farting at you, in the end, when he had to work up to that? That was pretty long and hard. Unless he found a sound bite? Betrayal.

I was in a destructive relationship— that’s the guru. Betrayal.

WHY are you saying that?

Because you felt like I was repressing my feelings at FOUR — betrayal? This is what I mean. I was starting to go through something, in the fall, as I was in the hospital in May, for a day, couple of nights, and I called the guru. “What’s happening?”

That’s it as I got swept up in his ability to KNOW. He had superior psychic senses. I wouldn’t have put it that way back then. He goes “don’t you think you were scared?” WHY would you say that? “Suddenly living somewhere else?” No question was asked as to what was happening. He suspected that I might be “going through experiences” — you see? HE FELT WITHOUT STATING IT EXPLICITLY THAT I WAS REPRESSED? Psychopath. After I got out of the hospital, he says, “you were repressed for a really long time.”

You see what I mean about this relationship??? What the hell is he doing? Implying I wasn’t fed or bathed all the time as a child. And was I? I have no idea how to approach that. So THANKS. I was involved with a crazy person. When you’re in that kind of relationship, my experience sort of comes across differently. So I don’t have mental health problems, I made it through that, healing is available to everybody, and I think that’s very true. But I had mental problems to work out because of the ideology I adopted—the guru pointing to me across a room: ADOPT IT, ADOPT THE PERSPECTIVE (JOHN MALKOVICH GIVES THE PERFORMANCE OF HIS CAREER—MALKOVICH IS BACK, THE COOLEST) was I repressed? Am I psychic? Am I able to project myself to a future point? And then, “Death is a really good psychological device,” right? Just a fictional character that showed up in my draft, “no worries.” I didn’t exactly lose the thread, but that got dicey, not the character, but…just what I was hearing? Did I need PRESSURE?

Can I meditate the money into existence? I definitely had an unreal moment.

Looking into this phone, “I remind you of Queen Elizabeth?”

“Why?”

I mean, I have to laugh. Okay, so I’ll try and build an empire, or something. I just wanted to be a writer. I didn’t think it would come with all this — Barbara Harris appearing in my mind making a funny getaway with me on this plane of existence—the psychospiritual plane. It’s a joke. That being said, I went through a large event, I was able to recover from it, completely. I mean, ayahausca reactivated itself in my gut, also, so. That was an EPIC experience. Could have skipped it.

But I’m Carl Jung, this is what we know, in his more experimental moments, when the guru should look at himself, because the talk of energy rising in waves, no offense, that was a little mad. I’ll see what an energy worker says about that.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at this morning. I’m just forging ahead and trying to think creatively about ways I can make money, but more so thinking about ways that I urn turn my experiences into something useful, that someone might be interested in.

I read a Goop article about severe psychological trauma, too, which was mentioned alongside sexual trauma, and these overlaps interest me. But I believe if a mental hospital was more equipped, able to ask questions about one’s sensational experience, meaning what they are feeling, that might be the tiniest and most significant key of all.

And if your friend says, “I don’t know if I was abused,” they evidently went through some physical sensation, so you can tell them, there are different options to explore— you don’t shut them down. Just because, what do my friends know? Repressed trauma, psychosis, a physician, even. But put the body in mental health… as already, I see there is one. And no one inquired — no one asked me what I was experiencing, so am I supposed to take some word on my exit papers…seriously?

I’m going to just try and make a e-book or something. Digital product. First of all, if you got through a medical emergency, mentally, that’s okay. It’s really okay. No one is getting angry at someone who was in the hospital. And that’s where I was. But, my friend had cancer, during this time, and she found that people disappeared, because they couldn’t handle it. It’s not always easy.

Get crafty, Linda Barnes said, my Big Sister of America, “research, figure out ways that you can make money,” as she saw the online world as brimming with potential. I’ve been taking my time, thinking about it.

And thus far, comedy feels great. I feel elated every time I publish a video now — and that was a journey to get to, just feeling happy about it. I still have to work on delivery, timing, logic. I still have to develop material, it’s only been three months, but I’m going consistently, even if I’m not like some of these diehards who go to 15 mics a week. I’d like to, but I’m still setting myself up. On average, I’d say I go at least 5 times a week. I’ve been homebound with strep the past week, but I love it. And every time I put something out there, I don’t feel like I’m bad. I don’t get the PSYCHIC impression or feedback from the future as a probable point — that I dont belong here actually. In fact, I think, oh, maybe I was right that it might be a good arena for my story, for me. That the combination of ideas I’m working with might strike the right notes… I can’t just go to a journey, you understand, as people have talked about their psychedelics experiences. “Nope, I’m going to be called psychic, I’m going to be approached by the shaman — and he’s going to tell me with shamanesque vibes between us that I am a shaman. I am a shaman. There is a shaman from Peru, he believes that I am a shaman.” Imagine you go through crazy shit, you don’t know what you’re seeing, feeling, and here I come… I can lead you through this experience. The shaman is calling me, you see. I still have to work on my inner shaman, because he’s so clear in my mind, but the translation isn’t quite there yet.

“There is a flower inside of you, seeking to open… let it open…”

Anyway, I’m going to unplug now. But I definitely feel energy when I connect to that headspace, like you can get high, right? You can get charged. I find myself entering into a very active mental space where I’m thinking outloud. But as I’ll tell you, maybe next time, “this is the psychological space…” which is why it was so healing, because my family story, particularly the sex scandal — that’s something I can’t talk about, that’s a story where someone might not even understand that they check out, or they can’t quite process it as real… so stepping onto a public stage had a real therapeutic effect, because I manifested for sure. I MANIFESTED myself. I made that real, and it clarified, at least, for me — a distinct difference between some of the shit that happened in private and what that would sound like in public. No?

I have nothing to hide. So that was freeing. And I will tell you more about the year I was invaded by the Russians, yes, as I was invaded by the Russians and a Russian mother, I didn’t get to her last video, “this is a martial arts trainer, she’s a martial trainer most definitely.” She found out I studied clowning and she began training me. “This is very important,” she said. “Why?” “You will bring the message to the people in their language.” Their language. And here I am, “da,” she would nod, regally, “exactly.” I’m off to go other things. Chill, you know, there are people who believe that my psychic abilities are so powerful that I’ve had a hard time becoming a real person, a real person who can MAKE real, exactly. So I feel like I’m trying to surface —since the last decade got so nuts. And in my case, I can’t even explain it all, understand it, because — my father, I have no idea what to say — but my mother was ancient crazy, you see, she was a Joker. A true Joker. There is street cred in it, but that’s about it, it’s more of a head nod. But she definitely came from a family, it seems, and I don’t know how deeply expectations factored into my journey.

She was insane, the type of woman who’s inspiring sexual trauma specialists to totally imagine, no issue, that she could have pimped me out at four years old. "I mean this woman was so sexually unhinged,” he didn’t know WHERE this might have happened, but he’s definitely reassuring me that she’s disturbing. And once again, I find myself on a sharp line, where she’s too crazy to be really crazy? You know what I mean? That was confusing. Look, if her name is Dr. J and she’s accosting priests every Sunday with her rapes — you might want to say something, as her husband if he’s AWARE? The sexual trauma specialist went back to his notes. Next — she’s drinking, driving, and looking for sex downtown… that’s a frequent activity for her, and my father’s going on work trips. So, to him, he’s not listening to that and going, well, you know, that might not mean she’s really going to do something totally nuts? We’re in looney tunes… so I definitely got scared.

I do not want to contend with the truth of it, at least, anything that might have involved me — but there are sections I arrive in when I just don’t know what to say. It was already so insane, and I didn’t need the sentiment, actually, or the “poor Maria,” because that’s just so beyond normal, that even at four, it was hard to take her seriously… because she was such a bad actor, truly, and she was so ridiculous, that it was hard to get hurt, it was hard to take that personally. That’s better place to be, and I could have used support there. She’s just a touch too crazy. She was a severe addict, at the time, but Dr. J was still, always, Dr. J. That woman was never normal, and I’m fascinated to witness her work, of course I am. If you were to see a picture of her now — you’d go, “whoa.” Twisted lady, a touch Dorian Gray. Now, at times, I mean, she really looks like a Joker. Haven’t seen her in a long time.

This lady, her relationship to me was — what was she doing? Her escort, her business manager, I’m being told he’s bringing down Osama Bin Laden. An absurd story. Anyway, I’m fine, life is long, love is in the air.