So— I’ve busted out the big guns: garlic. Fuck this antibiotic. I stopped taking it today, and I can’t tell what’s going on, but I started feeling sick again. I had to leave work early, I picked up probiotics, immune support, raw garlic. I can’t finish my training today, which sucks, but what doesn’t suck is having relinquished the ultra-heady “why are you creating this reality” problem that I didn’t need to take on.
I spoke to my friend Sam, today, I’m looking forward to seeing her this fall, as she introduced me to the guru. We’ll, uh, have a chat about it. Timing is everything. The last decade put me through so much pain. My head was a mess. All that manifestation stuff, me not being fed, this guru ended up being the last influence I needed, along with some of the others, but I ended up in weird corners. I still suffer from “the future” minded thinking. I don’t claim to know how it all works, but I am a simple person, and I didn’t end up anywhere, really.
I must adopt the perspective of — it was meant to happen for some reason as these people who came into my life were a reflection of where I was at in my life. I don’t know what else to say. I’m here now, and I scrolled through my feed, actually, and saw some beautiful lives, and people who figured it out at different times, who found happiness, who found themselves places they never expected to be. So, I might be almost 40, but that doesn’t mean I can’t end up exactly where I’d like to be.
So I’m home, I’m sick again, I have to rest, I have to apply for some day jobs. I’ve got this night job, so I’ll hopefully be able to juggle a lot for the moment, as I have to make as much money as I can, I lost everything. It’s not to say I can’t get it back, but I met people who encouraged me in odd directions. I met a couple of men who wanted to mentor me, strangely, right? I just ended up in weird corners and continued to operate as if “everything would work out,” so I don’t think my mindset was really the problem, though it was. But — a new day is a new day.
I’m all about shortcuts, but that didn’t work in my case, or opening up my mind as to what I could do for money, but I have to take care of immediate problems and keep building. In all honesty, I just wanted to leave my family behind. I got caught up in corners that perpetuated an spin around them, as I wanted to write a book, rather than — projecting myself out into the world and just making one, a real one, leave these strange corners behind. Behind. These men were not family men, they don’t have families of their own. They might have communities, though the guru, I’m not so sure. I want to make something that belongs to me, so that’s what I’m going to try and do now.
I just don’t know where to start, so I got a restaurant job, because it’s available, and I’m going to get over this strep, and put a real brick down. It’s been 3 months exactly since I returned. I knew it was probably going to be turbulent. I’ll find a day job, something, as I need to make as much money as I can — I’ll finish my book, I’ll get there, but there’s a larger world, if I want to get back into acting — it’s going to to cost me money to take these One on One classes so I can meet people. I’m practically forty, and I’ve got a couple of auditions coming up, but I might not be in need of arranging my life around that idea, as I’m a little older, not old, but I’m a little older. I’ll see how that goes. When I’m fifty, I’m going to want real money. I have to grow from here. The past is the past. So I’m going to work as much as I can…
Hopefully my garlic bombs will rid me of this lingering, terrible bug — thanks open mics — so I can keep going to these open mics with disinfectant wipes. “Assholes,” throwing that down. “Two weeks, mother fuckers this took…” I’m waiting for my extension of antibiotics, but the garlic bomb did seem to do something, it’s interesting, it’s like the strep was even surprised. I obliterated a fair amount of its military, that’s what it feels like. My tongue was burning this morning. Rough night.
I have an appointment to meet another pianist, so I’m just eager to get back to optimal health so I can keep putting myself out there as much as I can. I wanted to get back into singing, try and find gigs, and see what could happen. I tried to be open, but that didn’t exactly lead me where I wanted to go… I wasn’t being totally honest about what I truly wanted. So — I needed to land somewhere, I needed to get my life going, turning.
Getting sick is always a good reminder of how healthy you are, if that applies to you, because there’s nothing worse than having health problems. So I’m grateful for my health today because I’m lucky that I have the most minor issues, so I’ll probably have to take my antibiotic a few more days. I keep knocking on wood.
I spent about a month and some change expulsing and wrestling with my life thus far. I just drafted a preliminary outline for an e-book I will spend the weekend writing, as I’m in, I think, so I’ll launch my first digital product soon as that’s one of the avenues I’m seeking to explore. I’m trying to get crafty as to how I could make money, but the idea is — you keep making money, you keep growing. So even if I make x amount, most likely, I’ll have to keep working. I don’t know when you chill. Money sort of makes money, doesn’t it? If you’re smart about it. I’d like to buy a house. I’d like to take a deep deep breath and like what I see around me.
I’ll keep applying for these jobs… I’ll keep working on my book… I’ll keep developing myself as a performer… I’ll keep moving through that… and I hope I’ll end up somewhere, else, and all that. I gotta go pick up my antibiotics, but I think my time of my blog is coming to a close. So I will let this go. I gotta figure out what works. I don’t know what to say about my family story, so I’ll take that one as it comes, just because it’s a bit…hmmmm, it’s a bit… awkward. It’s an awkward story, and I had to GRAIN AWAY from the trauma lovers, experts, like, you don’t know me. Please. Stay away. I was like a moth to a flame for these people… for these people who liked “to help” when everyone from OBAMA to Professor X is running into the room with academic articles like, “don’t do that.”
My friend who introduced me to the guru, you know, their sister is her fairy godmother, where she invites her out once a year, takes her around, shopping, and shows her a nice time— why did she get that? And why did I have to get the MALE manifestation obsessions? WHY? Why couldn’t I get some nice rich lady who wanted to buy me some clothes, take me out to nice restaurants, talk shop, basic shit. Just basic basic shit. I didn’t need hypnotherapists, or to go down that road. But NOW I need some mental support, NOW I need to not lose hope. I never do, but I had to start over, basically, so whatever that way was, I know that didn’t work.
So, I’m off, for good, I’ll be just working on my book.