Since everyone is obsessed with manifesting and I got so so wrapped up in this guru and his brother and others who really believe in it, I’ve been keeping track of what I’ve been doing as I’m trying to envision what I want my life to look like.
It’s August 8, 2025. I got back to New York on June 11. This is what I’ve done in two months. I’m trying to move fast.
I put down my bags in a — I don’t like being rude — shithole, sort of, an apartment that ended up having bugs in it. It belonged to an old painter, he had health problems. His painting station was in what could have been the living room, so there was no place to sit down, and he clearly sectioned off this living room to make himself a little corner so he could rent out the two little rooms. The bugs didn’t, luckily, live in my room but they were…around. Going into the kitchen at night, I shone a light on the ground, and there were roaches…not the monstrous ones, luckily, but the smaller ones. I flipped out. I gave up going to the bathroom at night. Forget it. He kept fans going constantly because it apparently scared them away — hmmmm, yes and no. I knew that my re-entry was going to have rough patches, but I keep telling myself that I can move fast. I felt like I was seventeen, just moving to the city, type of deal, so I chalked it up to that, and started looking for another apartment — really fast.
On June 12, I went to my first open mic off Washington Square Park. The day after I got back, that was launching a spear into the ground, I mean what I say. I was jetlagged, who cares? I just needed to rip the bandaid off.
I crossed my old campus, NYU, laughing at myself, trying to forgive myself. NYU was not my dream, being a performer was, and here I was… just going to an open mic twenty years later. Passing this college on by… I made peace with my journey, though I admittedly struggled with it and still do, but I feel like I just passed through another door this evening. I felt lighter.
Like I said in a previous post of mine, my current compass is: “there is always a way, I just do not know what the way is,” which is the important part, I think. I know there is always a way…I just don’t know what it is, so…what is it? I want to know.
I’m trying to turn this moment in time into an experiment to keep myself on my toes, get more engaged, active, clever, hungry. We build over time, that’s another idea I’m thinking about, so I’ve mostly been giving myself s p a c e…
Comedy had popped up when I wouldn’t have ever thought that I could do comedy, but it presented itself, and I started to see a way, like maybe my family would do well up there. I know there is a way, I just don’t know what it is, and are you willing to meet it? Real life. What I have in my head might not exactly work in real life… so I’m translating something and I’m not going to be able to do the end product the second I get up there… I decided to give it a shot.
That’s my state of mind right now… allowing the way… to present itself… meditating or being in a thoughtful state… I’m building over time… and the beauty in it, thus far, I’m beginning to get in touch with my own potential…
I am 39, too, I have no contacts, I’m starting over. So — I’m not 19, I’m not the ingenue, anymore, though I could probably play a mermaid… with the ghost of Barbara Harris haunting/helping me. But I have to be realistic, on the one hand, age appropriate, um, generate my own material, stuff like that.
I set a goal of going to an open mic once a week when I first got back, and I figured that if I enjoyed it, it would take care of itself. I’d just go more often. Between June 12 and August 8—I must have gone to about 20. I wonder if it’s more actually, only because I’ve been going almost every day. I take days off, but I’m going regularly. But I’m dealing with a lot of moving parts, so I knew that I’d be slowing down one…a week, picking up speed another… as I’m building over time…
I had to just find whatever job I could find, which I found at the end of June, and I started in the beginning of July. I kept my writing job abroad, so I get up between 4:30-6 AM. I have a tiny other writing job, but they don’t pay remotely enough to live in New York City. So I got a hostess job off Columbus Circle because it was the first thing I could find, which doesn’t pay me anything either, and, after my first real week of working, I had to get cranial sacral therapy. I had hip pain but in the bones… I ended up taking the week off… so that sucked… the floor of this restaurant is harder than concrete…and I made sure to ask many people today if they agreed, and they did. But…I aim to move fast…
I’ll pause here because the guru might say, why are you creating this reality? But I much prefer seeing it slightly differently because I see psychology as structural… so I’m back and building, so I might run into little problems because I’m figuring out how to build…for the most part, it’s been pretty smooth, though last week, I finally moved into a new apartment because I arrived and I had to get out of my apartment as soon as possible. So I was depressed a couple of days—just landing after these horrible years of traveling — exhausted. I needed to accept where I was at, and I felt weighed down by everything I was trying to do…
So August 1st, found the apartment, in the neighborhood I wanted to be in, and I’m right next to Central Park, so I did it. I wanted to be uptown rather than be in Brooklyn or Queens.
By July 11, about a month in, I stepped out on a comedy stage and fluidly spoke for 5 minutes… I wasn’t nervous, I felt I had progressed a little. And in the spirit of finding “help” along the way, as I thought, now that I’m aligning to what I thought was my true calling, I should get more sensical help, no weirdos, you see, though my radar is up for sure. And this comic said “Rodney’s…” and I thought, I’ll go tonight.
I went to Rodney’s, that seems to be the spot these days…? Next to comedy cellar, I forgot, next to The Producer’s Club, a spot I like too, brings together a real crowd, and they’re supportive but not liars. At Rodney’s, that’s a nice space, a real club, cool decor, a place I’d go to watch a comedy show. It was at 7:45 pm, so later on at night, and the later mics are typically more crowded, and yes, that’s the goal, I want people to come, I want to perform for a lot of people… it helps me to think about…
Okay, how am I going to tackle this. Right now, with the sex scandal routine, telling you about my family, I’m still figuring out how to deliver it, and the logic end of it, I don’t even know what to say yet. The psychic stuff, actually, I think is pretty good, but most of my material is puzzling you see. lol. But I finally, I did an open mic at the cool spot next to Producer’s Club, and I finally got a laugh on “and then she accused him of being a child molester…” and I was so excited. “Finally!”
And through all this, I’m consciously digesting these experiences, thinking about them, and getting inspired. As my job doesn’t require my mental functioning at all, it’s very easy to spend time thinking about the show I want to do without being that married to any set idea. I wanted to do a show about the sex scandal I was in, a comedy show, like Jesus I need a drink. I need a stiff drink. But then, I have other ideas, so I’m mostly trying to have fun and explore.
Now, at the same time, I’m trying to get back into singing. Goal one: just get a gig somewhere, like at a restaurant, but I have to find a musician as I don’t play an instrument…
I started singing again about a couple of years ago. I started in the park along the Bosphorus, poetic, I was between two worlds. It was going to take me some time to get back into shape, honestly, so that’s the beauty of time, you build over time. I pretty much warm up every day now, at least, though I fluctuate, but I want to sing again… so I’ve been working on that too. Now, in having fun with this idea that “there is always a way,” I figured, nothing in my life has worked out thus far…
And don’t hestitate, admit it to yourself.
I felt like I met false helpers this past decade, false helpers when I started writing, and now that I’m working out the kinks, and my family is out of the way, I hopefully aligned with my dream, and if this is what I’m meant to do, then I should get help, finally, along the way… that makes sense. I feel like you should start seeing results quickly, in a sense, if you’re in a flow…
My roommate who moved out pretty much when I arrived who had just arrived himself was a musician—experimental, exclusively. (He said, “the bugs are here.”) He gave me a link to a Facebook page for musicians, he gave me some tidbits of information: the jazz world is clicky and exclusive, boom. The country music scene might be a good idea because it’s smaller but there is one. And I can sing Dolly Parton, I can actually sound like her, but I have to keep working on it.
So around mid-July, I have to look up these dates, I went onto this group page. I saw some man looking for a singer. Okay, I think I’m ready, my voice is at a sufficient spot, even if it’s not, I’m trying to stay on top of the wave… I’m not ready so I’m on my toes…allowing that sensation to propel me forward— get a little uncomfortable. I had to make “demos.”
I spent a week, a full week, working on a few songs and trying to clarify my point of view, which I think would be the best piece of advice to give someone wanting to be an artist. I’m trying to think strategically, like, what would sell, what would I like to sing, and what material would be… a smart choice. Again, there is always a way, but when ideas start presenting themselves, do you have the courage to meet it.
I wasn’t expecting it, that’s what I mean, because doing comedy was never even a thought in my mind though I’ve watched a lot of comedy. Or, enough. Funny enough, I had a daydream with Dave Chappelle… literally speaking. The comedian Dave Chappelle suddenly appeared in my mind (as he’s the reason why I pursued comedy) and he looked at me as if even he were…taken aback. “You can sound like Michael Jackson sometimes…” and I gasped, “what?” And I went running to my computer, and I thought, wait a minute… I sort of can. But I was going to have to work on it. Should I? Dave Chappelle was…pretty sure…how funny is that? So I started working on Michael Jackson, and by God, it’s true. I suppose I heard glimpses of it unconsciously, but that apparition of Dave Chappelle really made me laugh.
So I mostly have been listening to him and Dolly Parton, and I ended up hovering around soul music, actually, as I have a clear voice, and I have soul, it seems, but I would have never thought of it… but I was actively trying to think, what would work? And people all automatically suspect that I sing jazz, which is hilarious, when I’m singing PYT. This is a song I can sing, hilariously. I have to work on it, but it’s coming along. I’m learning from baby Michael and adult Michael. And I can sound like Blossom Dearie, so I want to do standards in her style, sort of.
So I’ve found myself in the unexpected, left and right, and I’m delighted by what I’m coming to discover about myself.
So, it took me a long week to make these demos, who cares, I’m not in the best shape as a singer yet, but I sound good. Sometimes, I even sound great. I got those done, I sent them to my first couple of people in July. One was in a band needing a singer, the other was a pianist who disappeared. We haven’t been able to re-connect, but I didn’t want to sing that music.
I’ve found on this journey to find a way, to figure out how to make it work, I’ve found that I’m actually not saying yes to everyting. I’ve been saying no a lot. No distractions or getting muddled.
By the end of July, so July 30, I went to my first singing open mic at Soho Playhouse at like 9:45 PM, yikes, I finally got on at 2:30 AM. Thanks to my experience going to comedy mics, I was less nervous, but it doesn’t matter, I’m not going to sound like anything. So I got it over with, but it was hilarious that I sang “You’ve Got a Friend” at this event…but that’s the thing about Barbara Harris, as it was sort of in her universe as a choice, even if she wouldn’t have made it, heartfelt in other words, and that, interestingly, isn’t the choice that anyone is making. Lol.
But I needed to sing it to myself. I needed tenderness. Just because my friends really broke my heart, on this one. I just needed to get the first open mic over with.
My eye is on the clock, the calendar. I’m definitely tracking my progress, I’m definitely scared, but I’m trying to find ease, so I can just take another step.
And you know, though I have less than I ever have, I find that I enjoy what my life looks like… I ended up at this cute little Italian restaurant nearby Soho Playhouse, so I sat down on a terrace and had a good bowl of pasta, I don’t know. I find myself liking the neighborhoods I end up in, and I’m discovering the city that way.
I ended up in a hotel to work between looking for more work, so I sat at the bar in Chelsea, and a band began to play in the lobby. I turned and thought, they figured it out, so I should be able to, even if it takes a second. I’ve been taking note of where I see musicians playing.
I put up a post to fish for a musician that first week of August. sI have four sessions scheduled this weekend and next week, so August 8 today. I found four musicians who enjoyed my voice, and a band, even, that’s already been rehearsing that’s looking for a singer. They want to get gigs around town, so however it happens, who cares? I’ll be going to sing with them next Friday in Gowanus. And no one seems to know who Blossom Dearie is, which surprised me. That’s the style I’m working with.
I’m at month two and going into my third. I have to solve my money problem. I have to get another job because I can’t do this floor. I bought special shoes, insoles, which helped, but this is a no way. That floor is insane. And everybody agrees. They speak of their pain, a lot of pain. One of the servers said he gets home and his knees are red and swollen. The other hostess today was kicking her feet, bending, visibly uncomfortable. Good, I thought, just in case. So that sucks, I don’t know what’s happening here… but the truth is, this area of my life was a mess, sorry. Hannah Arendt just popped up in my mind and supported me in saying that, lol. So, this might take me a moment. I need to find more writing jobs… I tried to reach out to hedge hunters, I have to do another round, but I also don’t quite know what to do in this area of my life, so I’m figuring it out. I have a financial goal, though, so it might take me a second to get there, but I have it. I have to keep looking for work, but I’m trying to cultivate ideas in that regard as well, how could I make money…?
Today, I mean, I could start a YouTube channel, and that could bring me an income. So I’ve been researching ways to make online and meditating on… a possible avenue… I took a step back from publishing on Substack, Medium, because it isn’t helping me. I don’t know how to make these platforms work for me…like, probably this genre of writing would do better, but I would have to make it bite sized.
I’m sort of exhausted with the thought of looking for a writing job… I’ve surrendered to the course with the book. I’m mostly working on the book proposal, so I have to read a number of pages a day of books in my genre… I’m going through what I have in my draft and publishing a section once a week to keep that moving forward. I find writing a book to be extremely difficult. I could say, “I should be telling myself it’s easy…” it’s easier to admit it’s hard. It’s hard, I find this hard. I’ve let it go a bit to give myself some more space…I’m in no rush. Writing this book put me through an intense experience. I’m no longer the same person though I feel much closer to myself, I feel that I’m thirteen sometimes, I’m in touch with myself as a child, as if there’s cohesion and sense. It’s sort of strange, sometimes. Feeling on track… like I had the right idea early on…
So that’s where I’m at.
I need to find another job—now. I have to get good at making money. There is always a way, I just don’t know what it is… so I’ve gotten ideas, beauty popped up as a beat, but it might fizzle out, that’s par for the course.
I’ve begun thinking about the next step… I want to get into acting again, now, that’s part three to my plan. I have to settle my finances first, so I can get that going. I’m doing this class that’s focused on getting an agent, this career coach basically figured out a way to reach out to agents that can actually work. I took it first so I could approach it as a business… what’s your castability, how are you selling yourself, what do you want to do…? This has taken a second, I’m just absorbing. I’ve begun thinking about that…mostly about what my point of view is. Barbara Harris inspired me to come from the heart, essentially. I’m playing with a particular state these days, a heartfelt state. I’m thinking about vulnerability. I’m thinking about Jim Carrey, though he’s another one of these appearances that I would need to work on…but I love him, for being able to exit realism, as I’d like to develop characters. So now, soon, I’m going to have to get into a rehearsal room and work material — comedy, characters, and even my singing voice.
So the next step presented itself. I have to get into rehearsal space soon even once a week. I don’t know how much it costs, so I’ll have to wait and see.
That’s the thing, I took this apartment, I have to remind myself, because I wanted to be able to make room to invest where I need to… that’s where I’m at. Once I get my finances settled, I’m going to sign up for an acting workshop that’s designed for people getting back into it. I’ll take it from there. I’d like to find an acting class that meets in person, obviously. I’d like to do one online too since self-tapes is apparently how everything is done now. I gotta figure out which One on One classes I need to go to, I have to sign up for Actors Access, I guess, so that’s a big content block, that’s going to take a minute, but that’s the beauty of time… I’m building over time…
I’m writing this, so I can keep track. I know I can move fast, that’s a skill I have, so I gotta move fast. I can’t work at this restaurant any longer, pretty much, not on this floor. I’m going to just get another job tomorrow, I gotta figure that out. I would love to have a cool job… maybe I’ll check out some non profits, or something that would entice me to write… but that’s what I mean, to find the right job, I’m going to have to look around, but in the meantime, I just have to keep myself afloat as that’s where I’m at. The faster I get that done, the faster I can get into that acting class, and the faster I can propel that forward.
I’m going to leave it at that, because I can’t foresee beyond that… it’s a bit more like bird by bird, in that, being future focused didn’t yield any results in my life… like, the future, in my mind, does not write the past. I still find myself in these awful headspaces where I’m living in the future, and it’s so awful. No offense to that guru, I’m not manic, or so swingy, but that really threw me off. Seeing the book as a complete thing didn’t help me at all. Just take it bit by bit. So I still struggle with it, because it’s also so seductive… like, I can imagine this unreal future that’s stirring me up emotionally to be — let down. Not really. I’m trying to embody where I’d like to go, but I am trying stay present and build step by step.
On the subway, I was reminded of a story that guru told me that I enjoyed, about how the Pacific Islanders got to Hawaii. Apparently, they had a system of navigating the sea with palm leaves (?) and they mapped the currents, and based on their advanced understanding of the ocean, they could tell something was way way out there… a mass of land…which is hilarious considering the distance they would have to cross. “Well, no problem,” they thought, all they have to do is put their boats into the currents, and they would arrive there… eventually. But they knew, because of how currents flow, that they would veer off course, and sometimes way off course, as the currents do not move in straight lines. But they would still be on course… they would get to Hawaii, and they did.
I have those moments… when I went to the singing open mic, it felt a bit like I was in left field, in Soho, too. I met a weird guy. I sang for the first time, and I didn’t want this man around me, or be around people. I ended up in Times Square 3:30 am, wondering why I even did it. The next day, something came together. The guy from the night before gave me two useful pieces of information as he also does comedy: “logic and delivery…” I pocketed that. Then, he said the same old line that everyone says, and now it’s a warning sign, “do you know who you remind me of?” “Uh huh.”
“Someone really important to you?” I finished his sentence. “Yes.”
“Everyone says that to me,” I smiled. I’m dashing dreams for sure.
But I thought about acting. Okay, so I’m the person who reminds everyone, it seems, or a lot of people of someone they loved in their childhood, like, their dearest friend, I don’t know, lol. The thing is, I’m tuning in, in a particular way. I’m meeting people, listening, learning. I’m trying to. And I thought, in that moment, maybe I should get on social media. Comics put videos up, so maybe I can do that in my own way, so with that, I decided to exercise the same approach I applied to open mics … all I have to do is do it, basically, without any pressure, and like anything else, it will naturally fall into place. But I saw that a woman got an agent, she was discovered on social media, so why wouldn’t I use it…? I don’t want to close doors because I, personally, do not like social media, and I, personally, have been running up against my friends, annoyingly, so so annoyingly, here and there… like, no offense, and I mean that really, I don’t even want to follow you on social media… and vice versa… it’s a public platform. YOU might not use it that way, but that’s how it’s used, and Jay Shetty started in an attic? You build over time. If you can’t lay down the first brick, you won’t get anywhere.
So, we’ll see, I know that there is always a way, but I just don’t know what it is… so what is it? It takes a second sometimes. And again, this is a conversation, because you, I, might come to be surprised as to what ideas begin to come up… really? Me? How about that? I’m going to change, you see, as a result of taking a journey… over time… so I’m on that road right now, getting in touch with what wants to come out of me, what’s being pulled out of me, as I’m communicating with what works, what’s really going to work, what makes me an artist… that’s been fun…
I want to do well, that’s the basic idea. I want to succeed. I want to sell books. I want to put my stories out there. Whatever I need to do or can do, I’ll do. I want to fulfill my greatest potential too, so that’s what’s driving my thinking, so I’m going, “okay, should I work at a mental health center,” maybe not, but I would like to align myself around interests and gifts. Maybe I’ll figure out some people to pitch my services to that way, too. I’ve been reading a lot of Medium articles, so I know that that type of content does well there.
So that’s where I’m at. I think I feel solid about it. I need to find a way to generate real money, for the love of…
That’s it for this evening.