So I saw my friend, feel great about it

I saw my friend, and it went really well, I expressed that I was angry, actually. I didn’t exactly put it on her either, only that this time has been particularly difficult in bridging real gaps, which we did. I felt she never — at Riverside — ever reached out to me as a friend, and that I was trying to allow change to happen, positive. She felt like I’ve never been in town, that she actually has, and what are you supposed to do? She understands, at least, that a relationship goes two ways. She needed to talk about her relationship, which she did, and she wanted to connect with me — and we did. She even apologized if she failed me in some capacity back there, which was touching, though that language, but no one I know considers me like that, if that makes sense, so I appreciated it. So we reunited, reconnected, and I think it meant a lot to the both of us, and look, I don’t know what to say, because if that’s true in some capacity, like, no, I don’t want to always talk. And it’s been frustrating with a couple of friends, and listening to her girlfriend’s side, as a Black woman, I could nod and sort of understand actually, in that, what I’m saying isn’t being understood even if IT’S IMPLIED, but of course, she was on the phone with her ALL DAY, and I had to laugh. But she and her girlfriend got to more solid ground, so I was happy to hear that, but they’re finding their footing too, and she wants to see me more consistently, and I really wanted to as well, even if I gotta keep finding my basic set up. I just felt good abou it, I felt good even that she pushed me into presence, it’s fine, actually. As she was saying, she believes in dynamics, which sometimes her girlfriend has trouble with, because there’s you and me, too, so I had to admit that some of my edginess is me, for sure, but feeling like someone isn’t HEARING what I’m saying, around the reality of what I am processing, was a bit of a headtrip. So, that’s fine. It felt really good to see her, actually, and I need to feel like I have a real friend, you know?

All’s well.

We’ll keep rebuilding, and it feels really fortifying to see the potential for growth and even a deeper intimacy between us, as friends, so that’s a solid response from the universe, or structurally, in that, my relationship circle has felt out of whack, and I landed with someone solid. I said, like, I hate that I’m leaning into the sex scandal, as I’m pretty clear as to what that was, now, but what am I supposed to do? It’s not easy putting myself out there in that way when I feel like I’ve only been shut down. But I’ve had to accept that it’s just not easy for people to respond to… so our relationship is very equal, in a sense, where we both exist, and there isn’t any hierarachy of needs or problem with the two of us being there, if that makes sense. I’m fine admitting that, I’m having a tough moment reconnecting, because no one treated me like I went through something real — like I’m going to a physician, and I’m just trying to make sure I’m alright, and I’m angry at Bellevue, because I’m reading that there’s overlap between psychosis and repressed trauma, and if they actually EVALUATED me like DOCTORS would, they could have come to SOME diagnosis, shit like this. It was maddening. People acting like I went through some court dance, routine, in some novel, it was maddening. She says, she feels like she tried, so I have to make room for that, but I was defensive, but I mean, “what DID you go through?” No one knows. People acted like they KNEW when the hospital didn’t even ASK me anything. Maddening. And I feel so different and CLEAR as a person and I don’t know what that means. My friend is on medication, I’m not. She feels a lot better, as she’s needed mental health support, whereas I needed to get to an OPEN MIC. That was — the 80s high tech Star Wars buttons lighting up — recaliberating.

I needed some response from my friend circle. Some recognition. Someone who I could truly talk to, who I could be there for, too, as — WHO wants to be the ONLY one there? I do not understand these people. WHO wants to be ALONE in their relationships?! So — I feel really happy, I felt so happy about my audition, and I keep wanting to be happier. Now, I need to meet someone, romantically, I gotta keep settling, stabilizing, structurally, it’s not exactly mental, it’s structural, so I can put down another block. That’s basically where I’m at, but I’ve been prickly, sure, I’ve been smoothing out some of these meeting points. I need to leave and get to work, and I have to keep going. It’s just looking back, I don’t even know who that was, you understand, who that person was, so it’s a little strange for me sometimes, so I’m still adjusting, trying to lean into my hottness as my inner Scorpio is supporting me in doing right now… I’m trying to get out of a messy mode, and trying to embrace where I am now. Happy—real friends, and to mention Obama again, on the psycho spiritual plane, you have to be open to things getting better, right? In terms of relationships, that you start to change, you change your operation a little, and it might actually change your life, it’s more being able to allow for people to show up for you, change, and sometimes these naturally happen… which is what you want, in most cases. Calling my mother a bitch, I fucking told JO — I sent this bitch SUBJECT ONLY EMAILS to hopefully yeah— PUNCH HER IN THE FACE — was that true bitch?! You know? The world wants to see a mother daughter SHOWDOWN. This I know — this bitch wrapping me up in a sex scandal.

Regardless, I went through a break down — SWAPPING AWAY THE TALK OF AWAKENINGS BELONGING CARL JUNG’S THE RED BOOK. Even if I woke up to trauma in some capacity, even if I was waking up, I went through a structural collapse, my whole world came tumbling down, but if YOU LOOK BACK, which I did, that happened OVER TIME. And she’s doing well, she seems very solid and present in her relationship, she feels as if she’s grown up, quite a bit, and she’s contending with embracing her adulthood, basically. There you go.

Got out of my first audition like ever

I took a deep breath, looking myself in the mirror at 39. Just like that, all that past — terminated. And here I am, in the field of possibilities. This was my dream. I decided it wasn’t and my cousins felt like it was, and they were so angry and disturbed that I didn’t pursue acting, but I lost the thread between me and other people — because people really projected on me, someone who thought that no one could, would.

This was my little dream. I mean, in the waiting room of One on One, GIGGINO fired, “who gives a shit about writing?” He made fast little keys, “what the fuck is this going to DO FOR ME??” He fired. Day ONE. My cousin in Naples — he was so confused by me. “You’re a goddamn singer!” He doesn’t curse, but he’s so forceful, it sort of feels like that. What can I do? I’m older now but that doesn’t mean I can’t succeed in some capacity, Oprah would never tell me it’s impossible… a fairy godmother.

So I chose a monologue, one that was raw and angry because that’s what I feel right now, and I so appreciated hearing Reese Witherspoon’s words of her abusive relationship because holy shit I felt like I had to work out my mind, really, from the past decade and the bizarre relationships I got into — no. No Maria. And there’s no turning back, not in the mirror.

I wore a bright acid green suede coat. I had thought it’s too loud, it’s just too distracting, so I let that be. I got a rehearsal room at National Opera — even, so appropriate, as my mother was a fan, if you would, and a member of the genre: a walking buffoon opera. And so, must I rise, to meet her, who was larger than life. That was my mother, Joy. As I exploded, I wanted to do something BIG, and a little voice inside of me said, pay attention. Pay attention to what happens today…

Sure, there are no limitations to the self, rolling my eyes at the stupid GURU, this Hollywood screenwriter, but it was the first time I was auditioning, like, ever.

I never gave myself a chance, and by God I didn’t want to regret my life so I’m deciding to give it a real go — I’m older so I had to peace make with that— eyes out the window of the opera rehearsal studio — and JO, my friend, and wants to talk, now, the first time in the history of our friendship, she needs a friend and she’s reaching out to me…when I explicitly stated that I had no interest. Not now. How do I put this? I’m saying that I don’t know if I was abused, meaning I went through a lot in that area or my body and you don’t get it. So im pissed. Because all YOU had to text was: I need a friend…and that second, that day, I called you. The next day, tomorrow, as I write this post my first audition, I have a coffee date with you, okay???? I say, I don’t know if I was abused — that’s how I would have responded to my friend REGARDLESS. Been there. Not acted like she didn’t SAY that, you see, this friend of mine like all my friends acted as if I didn’t say that.

So I’m negotiating new territory, as I’m not the same, though I’m built to assume blame, and people are tricky, so — it’s a sign of a change, in any case, but I’m pretty annoyed. I have literally no interest in hanging out, chatting, nothing, I work every day this week practically at a stupid restaurant, and I don’t want to hear Instagram advice, I want to — put up my HOOD — and just — get through this moment.

Meanwhile, a sexual trauma specialist told me, “yeah, maybe something did happen…” based on what I am saying. Meanwhile, my physician is wants to do an ultrasound to make sure I don’t have cysts, fibroids, so regardless I went through a lot in that area of my body, and YOU don’t GET IT. I’m so angry at this person. I’m angry in general. But she said she needed a friend… so I’m here. This isn’t about me.

Anyway, I looked out this window still wanting to shake off anything and everything that makes me feel small and unreal, if you catch my drift. But I’m supposed to deal with the BETWEEN, “reality happens BETWEEN US,” so I’m moving through this next chapter of my life with caution, and here’s the thing, I’m not interested in being easy necessarily, smoothing out my edges, I’m seeking to be — me. So we’ll see how that goes today, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I shut down. Am I supposed to express my feelings? Am I supposed to smile, nod, and just — move on?

I exploded in this text, no? That’s why I picked it, a woman who’s blowing up at her father for getting ANGRY at her because she wants to use a SURROGATE to be able to have a child… because she can’t have a child, and he’s giving HER grief about it?

Style is everything isn’t it? HOW are you doing it, and look, it’s a craft and art, and I literally recited the first monologue I ever have in 20 years??? How did that happen? I knew that I was just cracking open a shell. But I signed up for a panel of NY theater maker at One on One, which feels clinical, I have to say, but I don’t know anyone, and if you don’t want to be in the room with giants, you’ll never get there. You gotta want to get into that room. And I do. I knew it wasn’t going to be the best work I ever did in my life, but shoot that arrow high. Make a reach. So I paid for this audition with One on One — and there I was. In the room, I would say, “again,” except I hardly even GOT into a ROOM, ever.

And what can I say? Deer in headlights. It’s just the way it goes with me. For the moment, I have to go through the freeze, but just like the open mics, after that, it only gets easier. It’s the attitude to have. I’m so happy because I turned to this panel afterward— and they were complimentary. Just be bigger, bolder, listen to all the instincts I had back in the rehearsal room…

It’s fine, I could feel myself shutting down, a little, hard to explain. Now, I don’t have nerves, not how I used to, I need to work through apathy, now, unfortunately, as I came out of a difficult period that made me want to shut down. I picked this monologue because I could express largely.

I’m glad I paid attention, that there was a little voice inside of me that said, just observe, because I went through a confusing psychological experience, so for example, I had to shake off an old friend who ended up not being supportive, he was holding me back. I gave him way too much credit, like he never pursued theater either. I might be mask forward, but I am Italian you understand. But he came around me, his character, telling me how to do it, what to wear, and I went through this day, wondering why? No, my instincts were right. It’s not that he, the real person, was there, but I had to get this person out of my system — I do not care what you think. How great of an actor, direction you think you are. So that person wasn’t actually supportive. But all the same, I heard — good choice in monologue, personality, love your headshot, great choices made, now it’s time to unleash. Got it. My instincts were correct. It wasn’t like they gave me a perfect score, it was the first time I acted in 20 years sort of ever? And I thought maybe next time I will wear the acid green coat because I am the Jokers Daughter —

That’s who I am.

I was supposed to talk to them afterwards, but I had no idea what this was, meaning, they spoke to me, gave me feedback, I just wasn’t expecting it. I have no idea how to sell myself, but I’ll get better at that.

They wondered why I chose the monologue and they appreciated that I was evidently aware that they are theater people, because so many people come in and act like they’re filmmakers — so I was in the space, great body, but again, the note was take it further — and who are you talking to? Where are you? I thought, yes, good point. Great adjustments. Again, I have all these instincts inside of me, they laid dormant. So I will be exactly where I am, who I AM, not a VERSION of myself, as I got caught up in THAT one, and I’ll wear exactly what I’m wearing. Who gives a fucking shit what I’m wearing, in a sense, like this former friend of mine was a bit too tight there, so my style became what I was known for? He’s an enabler.

How clarifying.

I left that audition — thrilled — I took a breath, I can’t get too attached to the first audition I ever did, I ripped off a bandaid, and I’m so glad I did it with theater makers, and a casting director was there, too. Again, if you can’t stand in front of people in the business, then I’m not sure how that’s going to go, right? I laugh. So I got it over with.

I have another audition Friday for NYU GRAD, so it’s only going to get better. The general note: I’m set up well. I got positive feedback as to the CHOICES I was making, even my headshot. Now, I just have to work on the monologue. In fact I wasn’t thinking far enough ahead in advance. I have to work on a monologue — I only spent a few hours on it. So, I learned something. I’m conscious if you would, I’m aware…but I understood that the reader was sitting — but I didn’t have to use him. We could be in a living room, you know? As one of the panelist said, “where are you?” But I wasn’t clear about it. I was fixated on the reader, lol, but essentially keeping that in mind, I need to deliver it to someone specific, he could be sitting in a couch. He could get up… you know what I mean? I could follow him across the room. So I’m going to keep working on it, and I’m going to learn what I need to learn, and I’m going to trust myself completely. I can’t abandon my instincts. It’s just, no offense, after the past decade, trusting myself at all, again, has taken some time.

I don’t know I hope it’s a good sign that I feel so happy - I don’t care about writing, in a sense, you see. Im working on it because I am where I am, and I hope it will all align.

I am having a curious psychological experience — in that my friend, the closest, was in my THOUGHTS, and so he is banishèd, and it’s ANNOYING, truly, at times, like this stupid GURU, like GO AWAY, I’m not THERE yet, as his obsession with the future writing the past — sent me nowhere. I want to tell people to GO AWAY right now because I do not feel like the same person. I need to see a physician, sexual trauma specialist, and everyone’s IDIOTIC understanding of mental health — did not help me TALK, COMMUNICATE that I had a physical experience, DUH.

So I’m needing TIME — I’m starting over, so I’m not in the BEST mood, and who gives a shit? I’ll get THROUGH IT, I don’t need WISDOM, ADVICE, type deal.

Walking through the streets of New York, I walked home, from 27th to 104th street — easy. But as to a show to do, as I’m doing the open mic circuit, mostly out of necessity, in that, I can go to an open mic and just talk to people, so I’m exploring different avenues, but the headspace of theater would be the right place to exist in, in thinking about a show. I like the Joker’s Daughter, I don’t know, as I’m not married to any idea — but the sex scandal on Miracle Mile, I wanted to do something.

Somewhere around the NY Public library, Bryant Park, I thought, this guru’s obsession with the future writing the past, which is already too unstable, as a premise, to be frank, but I suppose I would say, maybe there’s a FUTURE that wants you BACK, looking at HIM, as he didn’t WANT ME, he wanted to ADMIRE himself. And in thinking about some of these people in general, NO, dude, you didn’t WANT ME, you wanted some PROJECTION of me. Be real. This is the brand. And if Dave Chappelle says, “look, sometimes, you can get a little heavy handed…” I’ll listen to HIM, NOT YOU. “BE REAL.” To Dave Chappelle.

So I’m elated, walking the streets of NY, just leaning into my real character —thinking about how to present myself, all that, but for the most part, everyone thought my choice of material was spot on, that I had personality, lots of it, “okay,” one person even said “I was so alive,” which is good, so the potential was there, even if I felt — taking in this note — like the energy lagged, I had to sustain, of course.

I had a great great time, and it’s onto the next audition. I have one for NYU grad on Friday, which I just jumped on, but that audition in front of this panel, was just fantastic. It was good prep. I have to keep driving forward, I can’t help where I am in life, and I was trying to keep Elizabeth Gilbert’s thought in mind to Oprah about how people are addicted to drama. I’m really not. I really am not addicted to drama. I want no drama. I’m just taking a breath, because my life was unnecessarily dramatic, more so because of just the patterns of my past… so I went through this day, like it’s not that big of a deal, money is a sore spot right now, because I feel SO STUPID in front of really rich MEN, people, basically, of the past thirty years —

But — I’ll charge forward, exercising creative thinking, what can I do to make money, and I have to accept where I’m at, which is — I have to work in a restaurant, because the writing jobs I have don’t pay enough, and I’m looking for a day job on top of it, as I just need time to get in a room and rehearse once a week, sign up for auditioning, take OFF, you know what I mean? Set aside an evening a week to write? This guru, I truly.

Before we auditioned for this panel, someone asked them to give their advice as she had just gotten to NYC. The director said, “figure out your life first,” before your career, and a woman said, “build community, volunteer places, get IN with who’s there,” and I was nodding, so annoyed, because I wasn’t ASKING FOR HELP and I was better on my own. That’s the piece of ADVICE to take. I was NOT a trust fund baby. I could slap the guru across the face, out of EVERYONE, that guy — I could slap the VIDEO GAME out of his fucking hands — here I go, anger — and throw a chair. “Neapolitan,” GIGGINO is calling it.

“You don’t want to piss off a Neapolitan, it’s not a good idea,” he’d say, an authoritarian/doctor in a Christmas play, pivoting his torso, shrugging. It’s just the way it is, his sincere brow (Clooney) leading the way. I was pissed, and he would support me in my right of being PISSED — Angela was like, WHY are you hanging out with OLDER MEN, Maria? In her garden. YES, GIGGINO fired, “don’t you have FRIENDS your own age?” He wanted me to GO OUT, actually, with Carmine’s musician friends, empty plates though they may have been, to him, because he was like, you need to TALK TO PEOPLE, SOCIALIZE, hmmmmmmm?????

HMMMMMM????

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”

“I socialize.”

“OH?”

“DO NOT TELL ME, with a story like this, that you like to socialize! HOW COULD YOU? Just please.” I was an anamoly to him! “How could it be EASY for you to CONNECT WITH PEOPLE?” And to my friends, and he could FEEL THEM IN ME AROUND ME, AND WHY? NO, he disagreed with them already, NO NO NO it’s not EASY for MARIA to socialize, not with a story like this, BE REAL, THIS PERSON is in fact FAR FAR AWAY. He, and my cousins, “si si,” Flora moving about the kitchen with greens, Giggino pointing to her, thank you, staring at me, as he LOVES playing FATHER, wow. “Si si,” Flora would say, “also true.” But in this case, it passed, in her opinion. Okay — I wouldn’t be here today, but sure, I could stick around for a fight, “CHILD MOLESTER,” next?

In any case, I suppose it wasn’t that easy, in a way, now it’s easier, but I’m not interested in interacting as I did in the past, like if someone were to call me MARZIPAN, that would confuse GIGGINO. “Marizpan?” Yeah, no diminuitive cutesy language. So — you know, people change, I integrated something, I guess, so I’m not interested in hanging out with people who make me feel like my DESTINY in life is to MOVE to France, like, I was worth more than that. My DESTINY was to marry a Duke? Looking at this other older man I got involved with — like I am not a character in a fucking novel. And he thinks I WANT to hear from him? Yeah no.

Anyway, I have to get ready to meet my friend, and I’m trying to leave a space — that’s it. First time in the history of our friendship that she ever reached out to me as a friend. I’m hoping it wasn’t a way to make me DO something that I did not want to do, if that makes sense. I have to work later, I don’t feel like getting INTO a discussion, beforehand, about why I’m upset. Anyway, in a couple of months, I’ll be a bit stable, but if YOU, anyone, was talking to a sexual trauma specialist, would YOU want to CHIT CHAT? Is that not understandable? Especially after being SHUT DOWN. And I really shut down, it’s a goddamn SWISS BANK — there is THICK metal, bars, codes, personnel, a gate, a door, another door, guns, you see? SHUT DOWN.