I feel as though I need to check in with self — I need to organize my social life better. Right now, I’m not going out. I work at this restaurant three nights a week, and I’m looking for a better job, but I’m not searching as actively as I should be, because I don’t know where to go yet. I don’t know what I want to do. I wasn’t thinking in terms of direction. Like what am I steering towards?
Now, I feel like I’ve totally cycled out this crazy screenwriter I met. His influence is gone. Thank God. I do not feel these man’s ideas running the show, but I still deal with this FUTURE idea of his channeling through me… which is AWFUL. It’s just a closed loop.
He was the worst thing that ever happened to me. FAMILY was not my “life idea.” I hate people who like to “help” people, but not like Amal Clooney does, if you would. Don’t “help” people. Take a good look at them — do they LOOK like they need HELP? As a woman, and as an attractive woman, apparently, oh my God, did I feel embarrassed and degraded. Sure, I was SPECIAL to him, but HOW? He made SUCH a big deal out of me for nothing. Relax, I’m just an attractive female? Wow, that was a weird man.
I could change the world with my story? Alright, as I said, I cycled this man out. It’s just the past decade put me through a lot of loss. I did not want to travel like that, his brother getting involved just made matters WORSE. I just hope that they can self-reflect, like, “don’t do that again.” I get that I was PSYCHIC, but be real. It was just a touch too crazy.
And now, here I am, and I don’t know what to do. I need to get out there. I need to keep thinking about how to turn this around, and not drink… I find myself home these days off working on this story, and I can make myself a drink and two, which I don’t want to do. I’d rather stay sober. That’s going to be my focus. To shift the desire to get a drink with going out and doing something. Seeing a show. I need to consciously direct myself to places where I might even meet someone.
I don’t know what to say, because I needed to put some ideas in motion, if only to feel out whether or not I want to do those things because the attention that I would get around my stupid family story, the guru a kind of APEX, confused the hell out of me. Do I want to perform? I went through a period of turmoil around the fact that I didn’t give myself a chance. Am I supposed to try and use this story…? Do I want to?
I stopped going to open mics for a moment because I feel like I need to just finish this story, and I don’t know if I want to talk about my story like that, turn it into material. I needed to state it in public, as if to say “I’m here,” and to feel into whether or not MY STORY IS AS INTERESTING AND IMPORTANT AS THE GURU believed. This Hollywood screenwriter. Is this interesting? In front of an audience? And maybe yes, I think I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.
I don’t know, and I don’t know if I’m supposed to force myself to keep going to these open mics, all that. I have to figure out how to make money. I would try to strategize on social media, like is there a way for me to present myself as someone who came from a complicated family background who has wisdom to share…? Am I supposed to start a podcast type thing, where people share their family stories… their crazy family stories? YEAH, maybe, I’m just trying to take this step by step.
Let me see how that lands.
I guess people go through work intensive periods, as I’ve just been working on this story on my days off. I mean, hopefully, things will work out. It’s just, the GURU’s point of view that THIS STORY was going to change my life, and I was in the back of a LIMO with sunglasses on “playing the field…?” in a meditation of his? What sense does that make? What a strange man that was. I look back at THAT relationship. “I’m sorry?”
Imagine, me going to IOWA writer’s workshop… and telling them how this guru spoke to me about being a writer. Sure, I could be Stephen King? I don’t know… how to approach that. Like, he’s seeing me in LIMOS… and you know what? NOW? I would love to marry the richest Saudi prince on earth… I would really enjoy that, at this point, getting into a limo, and seeing the tiny flags whipping really fast in the winds…
Just because, “wow,” that was so crazy. I couldn’t even finish a book. My closest friend, who I no longer speak to, he’s ALREADY in a MOVIE… because this screenwriter, on top of it, was just reading some shitty pages. He’s casting himself, already, when I haven’t finished a book yet. He’s calling himself my MANAGER… when I am NOT an actor… he’s telling me “write the movie about what happened,” meaning me going into the hospital? Meanwhile, GURU is telling me to GET on social media.
I mean, I want to find success in life now, for real. I went through the ringer. So I woke up feeling a touch lost, because I went through turmoil over the question of abuse, and no one had the heart really to really hold me a moment, like come on, I came from that story. That confused me. I don’t know what to say about some of these friendships that shifted, that I had to let go of, but I have to GET out there. I have to figure this out.
I hope I’m right that I shouldn’t settle because I’m afraid my life is over at 40. I just ended up having experiences that shattered me…because I “could be famous?” Ugh. Wow.
I can’t help that I went through what I did, that I don’t know if I was subjected to abuse when I was very young, and so, I feel better because I voiced what I needed to because my body was reacting. I was getting hurt. I felt insane. Like, is anyone hearing me? I couldn’t interact with supposedly close friends as if I hadn’t said what I did. I don’t know what to say now because I feel better, but I went through a large loss.
The friend I was conversing with most recently said, “I didn’t know that you were grappling with abuse, I thought you were grappling with the lie…” when I straight up told her years ago. What is she saying? I had to let that go, simply. I can’t tell if she’s being dishonest or honest.
The thing is, no one in my life responded like Amy Griffin’s friends did in her book The Tell… and I feel like I’m in the film Legally Blond, in that, perhaps, I found the detail (the perm) that might dismantle her whole story. I’m joking, I doubt she lied, but even that NYtimes article that questioned the validity of her statements speaks to the general doubt that these types of stories inspire. Why her? Well, there weren’t any consequences for him, so who cares? Nothing happened to him. It doesn’t matter.
I wish, truly, that I had prioritized getting therapy when I was young. Just because at this point, everyone has their own life, so it’s not the same, when you’re in your twenties, friends hold more meaning in one’s life. I’m finding my age to be a freight truck— just the choices I made, not meaning to, wishing I had made it a point to find a real man, not some guru wanting to train Alexander the Great, or something, like why is this my problem?
I wasn’t looking to be famous? A successful writer, sure, but again, I had ONLY JUST gotten to LA when this dick of a screenwriter came into my life like Conan the Barbarian, swinging some stick around in some STAR WARS movie, creating pictures and problems around me LUKE SKYWALKER before I even TRIED to DO anything— there was NOTHING happening that necessitated his HOLY HOLY presence. I have to laugh, because I don’t know what else to do. That guy was on his own channel.
Please, David, if by chance you’re reading this, you must not intervene into people’s lives disrespectfully. That’s his first name. He pointed at me, the first time we hung out, as if we were in the movie SPECIES. We were in some futuristic Alice in Wonderland where he played the catepillar, and all he said was “KNOOOWWWW, what do you wanna KNOWWWWW…” overexaggerated, over-enuciating, and I never met this guy before. Only once. I said, what I was writing about… which was, “my mother gave me away to a total stranger when I was four…because she lied that my father was a child molester…”
No offense, but if someone told ME that, I’m not getting involved. If I liked this person, sure, I’d get to know them, but I don’t get the MENTOR, MORPHEUS play he made. This wasn’t the Matrix. Why was I NEO? Because I came from a sex scandal? THINK. Think about that sentence. It makes NO sense, first of all. And I wasn’t a piece of MEAT because of it. A bit too far, like, I get he likes the Seth Books… it just came across as immature.
I’m 39, you see, and I’m still younger than this man, and there’s not a chance in hell I would ever emulate his behavior. His brother, the first time I met that guy? He told me I was psychic within 20 minutes of meeting me, and I wish people REFRAINED from telling me that I had “all the adopted problems” like they even understood what that meant? I was not adopted. That would have been the correct first sentence to deliver.
“You were not adopted.”
“Let’s leave the latest family aside please, for the moment.”
I was not adopted.
It sucks, it really did, to face that I had to go through some rich dude. Sorry, that’s how he comes across, like a “rich boy” who read some Seth books and went on some hans solo spectacular SHOW in his own head… like he’s a psychologist, like he understood my background at all. It was malpractice, he just doesn’t have a practice. Role playing my father, psychoanalyzing me over a lost DVD? It was one of this ROCK ballads, he lived in this music video, “nothing else MATTERS…” where the guitars are going, and there’s an orchestra. It was TOO emotional. That guy was way too emotional, and he should LOOK at his painting of a woman in distress… that’s IN his house.
That was unnecessary. And had he withheld, withstranded himself, Jesus, from pointing at me as if SETH were even channeling through him at the time… if he stayed out of my private life, and simply went, “you seem like a nice person, one I’d like to get to know…” but he wanted to meditate. You see? He wasn’t interested in a relationship? I mean, a relationship, basic, like friendship, even. That’s not what he was DOING, superiorly. HE was MEDITATING. That’s it. He just wanted to BE HERE, and the way he said “HERE,” repeatedly, you’d think he was talking to a DOG.
I have never been treated like that, as a person, forget woman, EVER.
Now, I feel better.
I had problems obviously — I couldn’t get over this basic problem — which was, get a job, stay in one place. Think basically. All this IMPORTANCE the guru wrapped me up in was the last thing I needed. I get that I was special, but HOW? Now, I get it. I have no desire to travel ever again, for the rest of my life, and I’m going to need to rebuild from here. I’m not restless. That was a challenge. My mother, in particular, my father, meaning, they were mentally ill, at least. THEY were a tough couple of people.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t desire to talk to my cousins in Italy either, because I was so confused by them, like I gotta go. Just my whole way of operating. The GURU didn’t get it. THEY aren’t my family like that. Like, if he can imagine, HIS COUSIN coming to his sister’s house…after getting out of the hospital, CONFUSED, yes, because JUST LIKE HIM, they MADE an UNREAL big deal around this stupid story which totally confused me… I did not need that. He’s telling ME, do they SEE through the SHOW? Imagine? You pointed at ME as if we were in the movie SPECIES. My cousins also MADE quite a SHOW around ME. And then, imagine his COUSIN suddenly in need at his doorstep? With talk of a book, too, around them? THINK.
He made TOO BIG of a deal around someone he didn’t really care about. Not to say that my cousins didn’t care… but “we’re family” cue the violins, when I went through hell, they were not there. It was a bit for show. I wasn’t looking for PARENTS AGAIN. For the love of Christ. It’s like, see you for holidays… that’s who those people were… not MY FAMILY. And I got so lost in writing… just a terrible ordeal.
He made my life a living hell. Every suggestion he made. It was comical. “You should get on social media,” after I got out of a hospital… maybe not the time? He was the worst career coach, not like he was one, but he would SLIP in sometimes…with these SUGGESTIONS, that were always delivered as if he were a supreme being… who couldn’t “do it for me,” when I wasn’t ASKING for any of this. He was having a relationship with someone who existed in his head. NOW I’m OUT, I’m CLEAR.
I look back at that relationship in HORROR. Get a TIKTOK account if you want to have a ONE WAY CONVO. You can make 3,000 videos a day — which is what he sounded like — where you ONLY say “you create your own reality.” And the thing is, isn’t that obvious? Isn’t that the most obvious comment to make? Like, slow clap? But the idea that EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO YOU IS WHAT YOU WANT…
I need to get a whoopee cushion, I’m not diffusing that. He and his brother are very sci-fi. A bit boyish. It’s a bit like, they needed the GAMEBOY taken away from them, with a pat on their heads. “Would you like a snack?”
So, I woke up feeling a bit lost, like should I throw my whole self into just trying to get this story done? Should I try entertaining people with this story? I need to make money… I sort of had to say goodbye to some people… I need to socialize… to go see shows. I need motivaton. I need to figure out how to put myself out there in a way that’s going to bring me opportunities, something.
Okay, I have a couple of Columbia rehearsals and performances this week. I need to get another job. Everything is going to be okay. I will have the group of friends I always wanted, though I didn’t know that. I’ll have a house, I’ll meet someone I love, that’s the important for me. I’ll find purpose in whatever it is that I’m doing…career wise. I don’t know exactly what that means yet, but entertainment feels good to me, so I’m going to do my best to BE who I want to be. Let me just start there.
I want to finish this story for this mag I’m trying to get into. I’ll keep figuring the rest of it out. I’m just wanting to feel smarter than I feel right now… not knowing how to put myself out there… like, why did the guru tell me to do this? Get on social media… and diffuse my story…? Because people get picked up on social media… okay, there must be some way I can pivot that to help me out, or help others, sure. Family problems…something. I just didn’t exactly want to be that person. Everything is going to be fine.
I’m going to work on my story, I need to go take care of some basics, and I have a rehearsal later, and I’m going to plan some things to do… for my next days off… see shows, go to a comedy show, just get social. That’s it.