Look man, the sexual trauma specialist was like, “WTF?” (He’d laugh, maybe.)
Played by MATT DAMON —in my mind — the specialist made notetaking in the frame of SKYPE worthy of a great actor, AND I say Matt Damon because he spoke to ME through a poster of Clearwater — I was coming to terms with my entire childhood, and I promise you, I turned my head, like, what the hell even was this story? And there was Matt Damon. “Matt Damon?” I thought, in an Italian accent, on a poster. I thought, oh my God, Matt Damon plays a man who travels to foreign countries to get his child back. I heard it, the question from my cousin in Naples. “How far was this woman’s house?” Matt Damon, I thought, wow, he’s giving me clear energy on the psycho spiritual plane, to reference the gurus, as we can telepathically communicate, download information from one another,according to them, so I indeed established contact with the actor Matt Damon, that’s what they would say, right? Truly.
So, in this energetic exchange with Matt Damon on a poster, I came to the stunning realization that Matt Damon would never be in this situation. That blew my mind. I was getting a clear “no” from him, that was firm, as well as President Barack Obama. I was getting very CLEAR — graining away energy — from the Obamas.
I had to sit down. I started scrolling on my phone, and I landed on Sarah Jessica Parker. “No,” that was clear. She would raise all hell. She even made me laugh, just picturing her taking in this story, as a a real mother type, you know, shrugging, as I didn’t HAVE THAT. Truly. So writing about this really really rocked my world. That was a dark day. I suppose necessary, and somewhat hilarious that Matt Damon on a poster — kicked me over the edge. Oh no. That guy has like 4 daughters.
I thought, you’d be surprised, right? What can happen to a person. Like, you’d be surprised…by yourself, that was my thinking, which might be true, as I came to discover just that in my little world, but a drama is another subject—funny enough, actually, I was thinking about an actor, or an actor simply gave me a clear NO, on the psychospiritual plane. There was literally no doubt about it. Matt Damon was NOT in this situation. I just was amazed by the firm reply. I looked at Dave Chappelle, as I’ve watched a lot of his comedy, and he was DEFINITELY giving me clear sentience, “nope.” He would never be in this situation. Yeah no.
So the celebrities, if you would, they supported me on the psycho spiritual plane, evidently, as the gurus believe we are all existing energetically and communicating… and I have to make fun, I have to joke around, come on, and maybe there’s truth to that, I don’t know what to say. I suppose I needed support during a totally confusing time. It was hard enough coming to terms with having come from a real background that made me vulnerable. That really sucked. As, I just didn’t need, this guy in Beverly Hills, I’m sorry, these people getting involved. I came from a sex scandal… you see. And no one in hearing the actual story… in a public space is going to be able to TELL what actually happened. Forget the “secret dementia” a moment.
I took a seat, as writing this story changed my life, and I thought, alright, let’s go through this, and it just so happened that a real weirdo was CLOSE, around this draft, and all I want to do now is grab myself and hold myself — please stop talking to this man. I should have left at HELLO. Imagining telling people in Hollywood this story… so, then this guy walked into my life…just like that… and this is what happened. This is what he did. Now put a good soundtrack behind it, and watch as this man raises his arm at me as if we just veered into the film SPECIES, and he points at me and shakes his finger in my face… that LIFE IS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANNA DO… IT’S ABOUT WHAT YOU WANNA KNOW.
Step aside, let Hannah Arendt come up to BAT and explain why I didn’t need to hear THAT, specifically. Maybe I could inspire Good Will Hunting, you know, someone who is able to throw REALLY REALLY smart people at YOU and make an argument? Was I not THE MOST SPECIAL PERSON ON EARTH? CAPABLE OF MAKING IT? Was I not the daughter of a genius? Just please. “Your life is your idea,” I swear to you, ARENDT would have BEGUN a new chapter at that one. And like, I’m pretty sure, in this case, I could call an Arendtian to break it down, from a psychological perspective.
I uttered this to the guru in this cafe, as he asked me what I was writing about, and my whole basic approach was off. This wasn’t a swallow and confront the subject with politician hands at a total stranger — except I was taken home by strangers who ended up being wrapped up in a sex scandal… so I had BASIC problems to work out which were, one of them was: THIS MAN IS A STRANGER. “Yeah I’m writing a book about how my mother gave me away to total stranger because she lied about him being a child molester.” Okay, Maria, looking back, WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING? You see what I mean?
So the next time I hang out with him, the first time, he pointed at me, his arm outstretched, he shook his finger at me. “KNOOWWWWWWW, what do you wannna knoooowwwwwwwww, life is not about what you wanna doooooo, it’s about what you wanna knowwwwww….” and the second time I’m hanging out with this man, I’m on a computer talking about my mother? Why? Ugh, why? This story only brought me PROBLEMS. He told me he could feel my pain? No, asshole, I just really went through that, and WHY would I be comfortable speaking to a total stranger about it? Of course, I would be uncomfortable, and to attest to something this guru said, if I was repressing ABUSE, WHY IS THIS GUY GETTING INVOLVED? It made me and the subject look like a joke.
So put me on the stand, no? In some movie. Let MATT DAMON, lol, sorry I have to laugh, enter some hilarious courtroom, who knows, some setting, and listen to me get PISSED, really pissed. I don’t have any issues with the law, so there aren’t any stakes… and the thing is, I just contacted two people I know related to the GURUS, YES, I did. I said, that was weird, essentially, because truly speaking, I went through utter agony. I JUST DIDN’T KNOW IT, you see, just please.
You see, most people wouldn’t be in this situation. If someone they just met took a really really deep breath and lifted their arm at them and POINTED — KNOWWWWWWWWWW. Imagine Dave Chappelle? I had to. Imagine Dave Chappelle sitting in that chair. I assure you, he’s going, after looking at this man in SHOCK not confusion, that was me, pointing to him as if he were suddenly in the movie SPECIES, and saying, “WHAT DO YOUUUU WANNA KNOOWWWWWW…” I assure you, Dave Chappelle would say, “I gotta go…” He’s not hesitating. He’s getting the fuck out — and fast. I needed Obama, you see, I was — firing smoke signals on the psycho spiritual plane. OBAMA was available. I pictured telling OBAMA what happened.
Man, I disrespected at hello with this one, I truly was. I was disrespected at hello with this story.
So you know what? Even for myself. As I ended up going through hell and back. I went through hell on earth. I came from a real background, one this guy knew nothing about—literally none. The sexual trauma specialist is on my side. ZERO credentials. I’m not a TV show. Not yet, anyway, at least I would be PAID. ZERO credentials. To make ANY statements. And he missed THE KEY, though he very crass, afrer I left the goddamn hospital, told me to “remove lie,” and put “accusation.” To hang up the phone in my face, practically, this insensitive prick.
His brother didn’t know anything EITHER. Now I’m speaking to sexual trauma specialist going, “YEAH,” he said, “of course it could have been true…” you see? The GURU wanted to sprinkle fucking pixie dust over THAT story. Forget that I said, “she lied about him being a child molester…” that guru was out of bounds. I had a story to work out – most definitely, and since he believes, truly, the guru said to me, that I am divinely inspired, that my birth was divine — this is what he said, “because I was born to parents who were not there” — he’s in the story…I can’t even divorce him from it. A sex scandal. Over a four year old. Not some sappy tale, jerk.
And I ain’t the same girl. Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong, tell me that YOUR FEELING tells you differently! His brother, just like everyone else, when I started communicating after YEARS of agony, shut me down. You all did.
I spent the night on the floor of a hospital with a lot of PAIN in my vagina… to get graphic. And this guru, without even asking a question, he says, though I hardly spoke to him during this time, tells me “what you went through reminded me very much of Carl Jung’s The Red Book.” I told his brother that he said that to me, and his brother told me the most disturbing story about him…that when they were kids, his brother, this guru, took his hand and starting hitting him with it, “why are you hurting yourself?” And he, his brother, he relayed this information to me as if it were WISE… that his brother took HIS hand and hit him with it. So that’s what that felt like.
LOOK — I didn’t need HIS HELP. That was a death wish. I just lacked the ability to recognize what was happening! He thought my life idea was FAMILY, you see, “if there were a chalkboard here,” he began, and why am I here? “I would write family and circle it…” you know what I would write instead? “WEIRDOS.” That was my LIFE idea. My parents were WEIRDOS. You were a WEIRDO! It’s called a maladapative pattern, first of all. That was not my life idea, but of course, you can’t RELATE to me, can you? So WHY are you here?
Don’t give me bullshit that POINTING TO SOME GIRL ACROSS YOUR LIVING ROOM LIKE A WEIRDO WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP ME. I WILL NOT LISTEN TO IT. Eliminated. Zoolander, he is my cousin, actually from Naples, if you must know, a little fact about him, and we’re cracking skulls. New movie. And sure, you want me to acknowledge my choices, my decision making, sure, and still, I have many questions for this guy. LIKE WHY DID YOU DO: this, this, this. Was this man even thinking?
“The theme here is nourishment…” he starts there. This is NOT my LANGUAGE.
And during my draft, he keeps saying “THEY FEED YOU…”
In the end, I have NO IDEA if I was FED, RAPED…
“I suspect you weren’t BATHED either.” Imagine? That’s what the guru said.
Now, over here, Obama remains on the psycho-spiritual plane really wondering what happened here. I can’t even look at a picture of my parents, because was I? I do not know. That comment, these indirect comments that the guru uttered as he ACTED as if he had superior psychic senses, was not helpful. And he knows NOTHING about working with ANYBODY in this way.
So you know what, if only for me, I stated that that man was inappropriate with me. And if he LIES, well, that says it all, doesn’t it? Jesus, I couldn’t even make this up if I tried! Again. All over again. It just all sounded crazy, which is what the sexual trauma specialist said. “Wasn’t it always crazy?” Yeah.
These men called me PSYCHIC? I hated this entire decade.
THE GURU goes, “it doesn’t matter what the rent is…” he encouraged me to spend my IRA money? To listen to a FICTIONAL CHARACTER as if it were a “psychological device!” He IMPLIED I was repressed — why? What does the GURU know about that? After our interactions on the PHONE leading up to my night in the hospital, I am appalled at him. I’m PUTTING MYSELF on his side of the LINE and I do not get it.
So I’m calling him out. I’m not exactly seeking to SUE him… I want nothing from him — I’m just SEEKING to be heard and apologized to! WHY did he keep saying “I’m HERE” as if I were a dog? That was not okay. Not okay. He said, “I’m HERE,” as if he were training a dog. As he was too enlightened to have a relationship, he just wanted to BE THERE for me… as if I needed that. Just please, I was so heartbroken over this, like this guy couldn’t even say “hi, how are you?” YES, I was disturbed! But if you LOOK BACK to OUR FIRST DATE, of sorts, it would be CLEAR as to WHY I would have been disturbed, no?????? Lots of QUESTION MARKS.
I was a real person. if you don’t know what that means, you should keep your mouth shut. Keep your opinions to yourself. And in the end, guess what? Sex scandal.
So NOW I can write my book, no? Full of wisdom? Like, not only did I go through this, but WATCH what happened because of it. What happened because I was broken down so young, because I had problematic thinking. I’m going to end up in outer space with some good times. And here’s a reply. If the GURU were to give me some speech that it wasn’t ALWAYS like that, then WHY didn’t you apply the same logic to the sex scandal????? I needed to acknowledge my pain? Not concentrate on the good times? Now what?
That was a terrible relationship. The “you create your own reality” routine, that seriously disturbed me. And let’s think as to why? Oh, my parents were mentally ill to say the least. Reality happens between us, I much prefer that logic, and it’s just as true. Just ask your brother, who can give YOU a little lesson about energy exchange. ALL of my friends, thus far, have asked me this question: were you in a cult?
What concerns me about the SETH BOOKS, as the guru gave them to me, right? No need to hide that, right? Guru? What concerns me about the books is that, it states that everything and anything that happens to you, you want, which evidently has problems in considering RAPE. Do not tell me that a woman wants that. Do not.
So yeah, I’m angry, very. And? Don’t I have the right to be? Now I’m okay, THANKS. WHY was your brother on the phone with me? WHAT credentials does he have? You see how HELP doesn’t HELP? How you might be making things worse? My physician was like, okay, I’m confused, if you went through so much pain, why didn’t anyone suggest seeing a DOCTOR?
Surprise, let Billy Zane say it: it’s a sex scandal instead of a walk off. That’s the situation I was in.
So I might, I might do a more sweeping book… here we go… and of course, right? I’m going to have to meet a Hollywood douchebag. Some guy who wants to play SCI FI helper, master meditator, manifestor. Right? And is it true? You see, is it LITERALLY true? I had particular mechanisms, ways of provoking controversial logic, like, the sexual trauma specialist is going to say, “please STOP taking this on…” I didn’t need crazy shit. I did not need this guy.
AND YES I called him, it took my YEARS to break away.
To the sexual trauma specialist, the NOTES underneath the screen, his hands practically classical, before the orchestra, I could have been raped annywhere…. anywhere. Hard to grasp, believe, but that’s the conclusion. Everyone is getting molested, as a child, as we know, thanks to Margaret Atwood in the NYTIMES, and everyone is getting raped — again. That’s the short of it. And to be frank, I don’t feel like being EVOLVED about it. I read about the Epstein girls, you know, they were taken advantage of…because they came from a background.
So I came from a background, what am I supposed to say?
Thinking about my cousins… in Naples…wanting to PLAY PARENTS with me. And of course, they’re just going to disappear…. you see…. so thanks, I hope this all ends well FOR ME. A terrible ordeal that story, just terrible, and I needed to adjust my approach at STEP ONE. You’ll see. Step one. And was it true, in the end? It’s a disease you know… the sexual trauma specialist will be our comedic relief, DEUS EX MACHINA. “Child molestation…” let the actor LET THE PHRASE speak for itself, it’s sheer absurdity: Child molestation…And when it was some VAGUE story it could EXIST and when it became REAL, it COULD NOT EXIST.
The sexual trauma specialists GETS THAT. He had to help me through: “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME IF THIS COULD HAVE REALLY HAPPENED?” It did. “Were you NOT in this situation?” “Yes.” “Okay, so of course it could have been true…”and like, saying my mother was a liar? To a COP? “DUH.” AND? WTF? This was criminal, okay? Criminal. The degree to which it was, I don’t know, I don’t know what to say, but it wasn’t lawful.
What a head fuck, I’m telling you, this was a real head fuck. I did not need the SON of a psychologist — supposedly? — coming around MY LIFE and GETTTING FANCY. He wanted to get FANCY, show his PLUMMAGE over a sex scandal over a four year old? And these BROTHERS acted as if they had psychic senses! SHUTTING ME DOWN. My rage is cosmic. On this one. My rage is cosmic. I gotta be PSYCHIC on top of it? You know? Because I have AN IMAGINATION? I do not know where to begin here.
So there you go, a new day. I said something. I spoke out. And I will continue to. I think I settled in… like, that seriously, the past decade, what am I supposed to say? Other than — I was an IDIOT. I was an idiot at step one, getting involved. You know? Nothing but complications. EVERYONE, even Dr. J, my mother, a remarkable name, had the BEST intentions in wrapping me up in a little sex scandal. NOTHING but the BEST intentions. Intentions—wee!! There goes Dr. J… speaking of good intentions, insert a Catholic priest behind her, while she’s feeling someone up inappropriately. “INTENTIONS…” she’s going to keep repeating.
The thing is, these gurus — would they ADMIT what they said to me? Probably NOT. WHY DID YOU DO IT THEN? All I have to do is ZOOM IN on DATE ONE: WHY DID YOU point to me like that? Why? That’s it, that’s all I have to say. Checkmate. I’m Dr. J’s daughter. You see? The question is: WHY DID I STAY? GET CLOSER? This is where everyone gets squeamish and uncomfortable EXCEPT OBAMA: “everything is going to be okay.” I came from a background. And there was nothing I could about it, you understand? I needed to get psychological help, and like, as you’ll see, I just kept getting shut down, too, as I moved through the world…. in strange ways too.
And I can break this down, I can break this down in terms of my internal DRIVES, and I can LINK them to familial connections, as Dr. J even wanted to HURT herself. Why? I don’t know. Im just saying. I came from where I did, and I did indeed work it out, which put me through a period of TOTAL confusion, despair, not exactly — a feeling of liberation. But I did it, I keep doing it, and it seemed as though I had to go, even, against what conventional logic might suggest. Like staying quiet. Like, not getting angry. Not speaking up.
So that’s that.
So I, personally, got the end of these crazy four years I spent in another house when I was 4-8, and I had NO idea if it was a lie anymore, I’m sorry, which you’re going to understand… that was utterly terrifying. So I might, I might do a sweep, now, maybe now I can tell this story, even if it required a near death experience, type deal. But luckily, there is something called spirit, I think, because I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for spirit. Or, the work of dead people. Like Arendt. I would not be here. OR, the “celebrities,” Kim Kardashian, specifically. I have to laugh, excuse me. People start FOUNDATIONS over this shit! I needed THESE people.
But luckily, I took this energy workshop through MindValley, as I was a TOTAL MESS. And Jeffrey Allen suggested identifying role models…. I had NONE. And I thought about Obama, and Michelle too, but Obama is a president, so he’s a neutral idea, as I couldn’t deal with any gender, for a while, and I tried to think: bigger. There’s something to do with it, contribute, bigger. You know what I mean? So I hope that’s true. Every day now, I only think about the day that the story will reach the public… that’s it. That’s all I think about, I don’t even want to talk to anyone in my personal life until it does, because that was such a terrible experience.
So I guess I want to tell this story. So that’s good to know. I get to… open up to a new life, possiblities, one with bounty in it, a house, Ican still totally achieve my dreams —BYPASSING WEIRD shit. HELP, in my case, was a real shadow… and I imagine I’m not alone. Just the help thing, for reasons I didn’t understand. I got that the GURU felt that I was THE MOST SPECIAL PERSON…picturing Will Hunting in some hilarious reversal, getting SO FRUSTRATED!!!! WHY????? CAN SHE DO COMPLEX MATH? Because this lady has a story????? She has a great personality????? Maybe. But of course, this person can’t say, “I really find you to be a…remarkable person,” because he can’t admit his own feelings… which is another point.
I was so confused.
I hope I’ll get to play Professor X’s protegee one day. I’d love that. I would wear a bowler hat, in the end. I would desex myself, no offense. And the actress, YES the actress, my right hand SUPERHERO, you want to be AMAZED? Send her in. Good joke. She doesn’t give a shit if I want to dress like a MAN. Just like, please. So anyway, maybe we will discover the psychic routine is true, I do not know, I really do not know what to say… as you can be out of the mind, sure, I guess, and I felt as though I was out of bounds… I just mean, coming from a story like that.
Please, if someone says something as confusing as “she gave me away because she lied…” about child molestation, attached to a scandal, situation, that lasted four years. Just don’t make any conclusions…. get the appropriate person. If she doesn’t make sense? Don’t tell her to make LESS SENSE. Do not assume. The sexual trauma specialist and I…will continue if I need to. I imagined, just because I walked a truly dicey line to get here, sheer agony, of not having ANY help AT ALL whatsoever, that as I went along… I would contniue to reach clarity. I went through the worst of it, I really did, and so, now, I’m alright, I can handle if… it happened, somewhere, I guess, or it didn’t at all? I keep… talking about it… I keep doing my thing… and I keep stopping being afraid of maknig a little NOISE.
Luckily, I’m okay. I was able to move through that. I was able to totally recover. The future stuff sometimes causes me some distress though also intrigue I suppose because I hope there is a bright future for me. Again, I don’t know if I would harp on the future, as that’s very confusing, but I look forward to the decade to come. Maybe wedding bells for me, something nice. Real love, a real “wow,” look at her, dancing on top of MoMA tables as Dr. J, a stunning piece of performance art, or something, I don’t know yet.
I think performance, more so than anything else, allows me to think about my experience… as a thing to communicate. Like, I can do something with it, and someone might understand me without judging me. So I would CAUTION any kind of psychological expertise when it comes to a story like that…? Like if it’s not YOU, don’t act like that. Telling me that “disappointment,” a person who was manipulated very young, so I had to LEARN how to disagree, you see, was the feeling between my father and me? DUDE? No offense, some people are going to hear me: that’s kindergarten talk. This guy talking to me about abandoment? When Dr. J is walking towards this woman’s house with her BREASTS exposed? NOT ON THAT CHANNEL. I’m on — GET HELP, that’s it. That’s the ONLY channel I am on.
However, I felt abandoned by my entire world, not the guru’s brother, but shutting me down again, like, “you’ve been talking about it?” YEAH — MAYBE WITH THE WRONG PERSON. NOT THE TIME. MIGHT TAKE YEARS. Step aside.
I ended up in Morocco, in the palace of a former prime minister, so maybe I’ll take a real journey, on this one, I dealt with terrible dreams, and I was surrounded by the cosmos, nice imagery. And of course “the psychological device,” as the guru put it, the fictional character in my draft? Staring at it, in my mind, like, WHAT? So there’s even a little magical realism in it. Which is all this man had to say— do you want to write MAGICAL REALISM? NOT PSYCHOLOGICAL DEVICE. I do not even know where to begin with that one. But the cosmos is good, the setting I guess, I really wandered the earth… unable to operate, I’m sorry, and then the GURU goes, “betwixt and between?” You’re BETWIXT AND BETWEEN?
This is where I dial in— OBAMA? HELP!! Why are these people talking like this? And then, “sure, spend that IRA money…”
And then, “let me give you a tip.”
“Meditate on the time of day, your name, location,” okay? ““And repeat: as outrageous as it seems plenty of money comes to me…”
I doubt, if I was even an acquaintance of Obama’s, that he would have spoken to me like that. If I said, “hey Obama,” in light tone, after getting out of the hospital, “I’m fine…” “REALLY?” I doubt he would have encouraged me to travel. “not the time.” BUT, here we go, mental health events, forget the TRAUMA bit, forget THAT, aren’t treated as REAL medical emergencies. I mean, “LAY DOWN.”
I was a mess. And it’s easy to understand why, no? But luckily, I’m fine. I left the hospital without a diagnosis. Clean bill of health, thank you. So nice try. Betwist and between, like, what the hell… so I rode the ferry istanbul, just trying to remember that I was a real person… NOT PSYCHIC, not BETWIXT, whatever the hell this means, in some fantasy PLAY written by two brothers, OKAY? Looks bad. These goddamn plant people, too, Jesus Christ. My ex, he told me that I was a portal channel antenna, some crap like this, traveling on multiple planes of existence…. ONCE AGAIN, my name is Maria Mocerino, I was born on EARTH. Had to get back to the basics.
That’s a lot, don’t you wonder what I look like? Like WHO is this person? Does she have a STRANGE look? Doe sshe LOOK otherworldly? NO. Just CUTE. Or I was. I was “a cute girl.” I do not understand it, looking at Barbara Harris… a woman who inspired…supernatural talk. And it all began… with a sex scandal, just hilarious. Let MATT DAMON have the last laugh, as the sexual trauma specialist, by crumpling up his final note — and throwing it at the screen. And it all began with a sex scandal… just a little sex scandal, do not be alarmed, I’m not saying it was the worst sex scandal, but it was a little sex scandal… thank you.