I’ve had a hard time, really, in my personal life about all this. It’s like, if my friend told me she didn’t know if she was abused as a very young child, knowing her whole life had been extremely complicated because of these years that she spent living with a different family because her mother lied about her father being an abuser — I just wouldn’t have responded like most people. What I went through was indeed confusing, but still, I wouldn’t have acted like any of these people. Not at all. That’s been a difficult one to navigate. It took me years of utter agony to even vocalize that, and I felt shut down. No one really responded, like what I said was serious.
Like, my friend? I’m practically on a plane. And so I’ve had to make peace with no one really asking me anything about that even if, this friend, which I said, in particular checked in with me some years down the line. Years. Someone in my position might need a hand. I needed direct communication. So I say that because I went through a terrible ordeal, and I didn’t have anyone who was able to give me a hand.
That being said, multiple people shut me down literally, though they do not know the story, meaning, why I’m saying what I’m saying. So that was frustrating, and I got to a breaking point, because I got hit by a couple of friends, being”concerned” about some attempt to be funny on Instagram, just testing out material, on social media, but I can’t get a “how are you?” I found that to be confusing, as that guru told me to diffuse my story on social, and that caused me, once again, nothing but problems. That man didn’t understand.
And the thing is, I feel relieved though I’m sorry that my friend and I weren’t able to make it through this period. It’s like, are people not hearing what I’m saying? Why are you asking me what’s going on? And I suppose I could have just said, “you know, it’s like no one is hearing me.” I can’t deal with how people have reacted to all this. And I just feel better on my end, I dont feel worse.
I do really feel as though I just got here as a person. And I have literally no idea why I did anything I did. Like, did I need to get another family? And another family? No. So I said a lot of goodbyes, actually, which, to be honest, I’m not feeling that terrible about it. I need to charge into this new era — better. I am not a perfect person. That’s not what I am, but about this subject, about the real turmoil I’ve been in, I had to say that maybe people don’t know how to be there for someone who went through something that profound.
If I had had an inner circle, someone like me, even, just me — I would have been able to talk to someone, a close friend, and allowed the other relationships to be what they are. Except, then I go, and I’m the type of person who’s going to think it out with you, it would be hard to play pretend. That’s been a bit hard. I tried to express myself calmly and honestly in this letter…as, I’m the type of friend, who is going to reach out to you directly to address a problem.
I did this with one friend of mine and it was successful. We were able to re-establish our friendship. But with some of the others, I feel relieved, because I don’t know what to say “type wise.” We might not be the same type of person. Like, once again, I’m not telling my friend that she experienced implicit memory based on no real understanding of the story in question here.
And I said even to this friend of mine now that, the only thing I can hope for is that my story gets out there and I’ll be understood. Mel Robbin says live life as if it’s short, which I agree with. Not that it’s long. It’s short so go for it. That being said, I’m 40, I’m entering a new decade, and I’m hoping to find the life I always wanted.
Now, me, and I would have been this person at 30, even, funny enough, as I’ve been a friend to people in really tough situations. I’m going to say— it was just hard because of the whole event of it — “they will not understand.”
“Talk to me. Let’s get you the right psychologist. Let’s keep talking.” Also because as a lover of psychology, I’m sincerely interested in people’s experiences. “They will not understand. They will not contact you.” No one contacted me for a while. I mean with “how the hell are you?” I mean, now? If someone just got out of the hospital, I’m coming over with a bag, a weekender bag, and we’re going to work on safety.
I’m going to cook you food. We don’t have to talk at first. You’re NOT going abroad, don’t be stupid. It’s as if, even the mental health component in all this, wasn’t seen as real. “Don’t be ridiculous.” This guru telling me “it’s time to get on social media…” “is he deranged?”
These couple of gurus, right? The brothers who came into my life. That was a bad idea. So, the specialist is able to HOLD the complexity of the entire experience, not that one negates the other. He said that first, like I clearly got involved with problematic people, for me. Giving me channeler tapes. People with ideas that TRIGGERED me.
No more weirdos. No more crazy ideas. Whether it’s true or not, manifestation was not my problem. I had just gotten to LA, and my mindset was positive, and I went down an unnecessary road.
And the truth is — I really don’t know if that lie ends up being not a lie, and I do feel as though I am correct in my reading comprehension. The story doesn’t look good. I have every right to question what really happened there, and I have to navigate a friend circle that’s asking as if it’s not worthy of asking any direct questions about… or that I didn’t say what I did. Meaning, me? I’m responding partially because I know people do this. That people can’t handle it.
That’s why I intervened with the refugee who had been abused by two members of her family. I intervened directly. To give her a hand. I did not want her to feel ashamed. So I told her to take a minute. We didn’t need to discuss it. She didn’t need to say anything. She might want to give herself a moment to just get comfortable with someone knowing. And there, you know, I felt like my story actually meant something. Because, what a shameful disaster that was. And it tended to make someone feel more comfortable because they were talking to someone else out basically understood.
I could tell. I took my time, a bit, but I began watching her from afar, and she noticed. Just to tread lightly. We opened up that discussion from afar first. And when our mutual friend came up to me, and thought the same thing, we, as friends, talked about what we should do.
It was only us. He had a girlfriend who had come out of a situation like that.
But me, because I came out of a totally bonkers situation where “she lied,” although my family life had forever been complicated and messy and strange…it can’t be true, and I don’t need REAL people. I mean, people who can be real. But, I would have told myself, that it’s best to not fight — but I didn’t have me.
And I don’t know if I would have done. These were supposedly my close friends. With some, I’m trying to be let it be, and trying to just put this away, as I’ve mostly let it go, I mean, in terms of expecting any kind of follow through or anyone to be able to show up in the way that I am personally able to. I look forward to making a real go at it — meeting new people, wanting to host a thanksgiving even, you know what I mean? Where there’s a core group that revolves around me. I’m always going elsewhere.
I’m on the highway right now, having finished a letter to my friend, and we’ll see how or if she will respond. I have let it go, like, I said, I’m going to need to work out why my friends reacted the way they did to the question of abuse. Except, people can’t handle it. And I didn’t have a support system. I did not build that. Meaning, an immediate family. Family friends. A close group.
And if I had had that, I probably wouldn’t have gone through what I did… as I would not have ever been in a relationship with the gurus, because why? Why would I be there? And I would have already dealt with what I needed to as that past prevented me from really being able to live my life. I’m not the same person. I feel as though I just got here.
I look back, and I’m like, I’m sorry, who is that? Why am I getting involved with these people? Why am I going to NYU? Why am I dressing like that? I had no clue who that was. Literally. I don’t know what that means exactly, again, my actually family, meaning my parents, were real obstacles as they were both ill.
Again, I’ve said this, but I did not feel like “working out my intergenerational stuff” left me feeling elated. That was chaos. There seemed to be allure around me for some men, but also people. But, you see in reality, I mostly worked in restaurants though I’ve had other jobs.
I didn’t have direction, other than “living in France” for strange reasons. I felt “time bend,” I had an experience I couldn’t explain when I was young, and I decided what I was going to do with my life based on these weird possibly neurological events I had around the time my father was diagnosed with a disease.
But, it’s like anything else, who KNOWS if the diagnosis was even accurate? He ended up having Alzheimer’s, not Parkinson’s which was the original diagnosis that he kept a secret. On top of it. Like, THANKS. I was in a little sex scandal and now I gotta deal with this.
Like I get I was pretty…? Looking back on these men, and that I wanted to write but the guru went off on some impulsive tangent, thinking about his father’s impulsivity problems, as he slept with any woman who walked into an elevator — and look, Dr. J slept with every man, so I’m not exactly judging here, but he painted all over me before it was mérited.
Now I’m contending with my real life, the real decisions I’ve made, and it’s all fine, in that, I wasn’t interested in ambition, money, worldly pursuits — which I dismiss now as silly. But that’s what that was, and then I chose to write, and it took me down very dark roads, with men who were triggered “to help” someone who didn’t need help. I was perfectly capable of doing what it is I’m doing now…. With a small middle class inheritance that would have been worth double today if I just hadn’t touched it.
But of course these men are painting professor x pictures, lots of fantastical ideas such as “I’m psychic…” and “money doesn’t really matter,” because you can meditate it into existence, when it’s like, yeah, I could have not spent the money — and if I had met someone older and wiser I would have appreciated it actually, but instead I got someone who didn’t really see how much I HAD. He only saw my lack. As if I just got caught up in enabling directions.
I had money AKA power. Not the time to get obsessed with some book. Read books, like I’m doing now. I didn’t need to “download the complete book” from a future point. Anyway, I don’t have to work tonight, which means no money, but I have the night off so I’m going to enjoy it, work on my story and do some social planning. I want to meet someone.
Finally.
It’s very different when you feel like you are actually in the driver’s seat. And so, I hope that I can break into entertainment as that, for the moment, is the arena I want to enter. And I hope I am correct that my story might inspire screenplays. I might get there myself, but I gotta get there first. I love characters. I always have. I always felt better in taking in the whole beast, loving it, since I came from people I didn’t know what to do with.
I don’t know, sometimes I think I should pursue psychology, specialize in -— I don’t know how to articulate it — but scandals, extreme situations. I’d have to study, all that, but life is long in that regard. For the moment, I’d like to see if I can break into entertainment.
I thought miracle mile would make a really compelling motion picture. That it could spawn a TV show, even. It doesn’t have to adhere to the exact story. It can have a life of its own. “7th Heaven,” but this time it’s 9. It’s nine now. And it begins, hilariously, with a family getting wrapped up in a small child who…may be getting abused….a family of sports stars. Like what? And the mother goes insane, almost, but it’s understandable.
We’ll see, that’s what I’m aiming for, and I’m trying to connect with what might work as live entertainment too. There’s comedy in it, that I know, I just don’t know what that means yet. But I do feel like there’s a place for me. And hilariously — watching Ellen — and her “going through the steps of her life to get to this present stage…” as comedians tend to go through ups and downs. And just to get THERE, it’s like Forrest Gump. Like now, I’m sitting and eating a BOX of chocolates.
I went through all that, and now I’m here.
So I’m going to really go for it. I need to make a reel and fast. So I’ll call an acting coach, I think, to help me with picking scenes. I think that’s a good idea, just consulting someone who might be able to help me do what I need to. I need to get into an acting class so I can exercise. And I want to write my first short series that I can easily produce. And I’ll finish this short for EPIC, hoping that it will get in.
That’s it. Life. Feeling positive, even if the start of the decade required letting go…
