So the relationship I kicked off with this lawyer, that ended. I was struck, because we barely hooked up, and the next time I saw him, we ended up getting into an unconscious conversation it felt, about what he wanted in a relationship… like he was looking for a companion… not a partner… and I got vulnerable, which is simply my default, like, I’m looking for someone who wants me, it’s pretty simple.
But I should have just let that go, I think, and proceeded with caution. Like, he might be getting a little scared or triggered or something because we were starting to get intimate. But what about my feelings, here? I was a bit, “like come on,” why bring this up? Literally, right after we crossed a physical threshold?
I brought it up later, when he asked me out again, and it seemed as though we clarified that. I was a bit sharp, but like, “is that what you wanted to communicate to me?” That, he wasn’t interested in x, y, z? He wanted me to receive that, right? That got me thinking about the future when it felt a touch too soon, which is why I wish I didn’t mention it, because then, it triggered him… and I reached out because he didn’t, and then, “let’s hang out…” as friends, or something, and in the end, I felt like, you know, on this one, I might have fucked up too…so I was going to just let it go. I don’t know, I would think, you might… try a little romance…? Just because, was that necessary to bring up? It didn’t feel that nice, I had to admit. He wasn’t thinking… which I understand… but now he is, looking for something long-term, which I am too, but whether or not we’re on the same page, ugh, just too much too soon. Don’t I want someone who’s going to consider that I’m there, basically? And that, we just hooked up? I don’t know if I totally think that a romantic partner is “a chummy friend,” I think friendship…takes time. Not DIRECTLY after you hook up, and barely.
So there you go— I wasn’t sure what to do, let that slide, not. I regret that I hooked up with him. We hung out a few times, and I was trying to open up, but, honestly, at this point, in my forties, I sort of want a man who’s into the whole dating act — not like we’re friends, as we went to a concert after that, and we didn’t go home with one another… I want someone who wants to wine and dine meh, who wants to get dressed up, have fun in that flirtation phase, and seduce me, a bit, and think about the first time we’ve going to have sex… have fun, minimally. I mean, if he’s looking for something long-term, if that makes sense, which he said he was. I am too, what else can I say? In any case, I’m trying to forgive myself, or put some padding around myself, that I didn’t help the situation, and in the end, I had to, as the woman, understand the male… not the other way around. Men shut down.
I’ll meet someone, I will, I have to keep telling myself that. I might not have met the right person, and this is what dating is… I need to get out there, I need to stick to my guns, maybe, in that, another woman might have snapped at him right then and there — like hello? Do you know who you’re talking to? Someone you just hooked up with? Are you trying to tell ME something or talk for shits? Right? Not being serious is one thing, but being treated casually, is another. I think I’m sort of that person, actually, as, look, I feel as though I really really worked on myself to get here, like I’m available, I’m open, though I am the age that I am, so I get a little scared, as I guess… I don’t know what I’m looking for… but I might want a partner, not a companion, but who cares at this point? So I should have let that go.
My friend wrote me, after a social media post, that “I got into a short film it seems and I go to fancy premieres now… so maybe life feels looking up?!!” Right when, I didn’t need that. I don’t know if I feel that way yet, but I feel forced to say “yup!” When I don’t know what to do with, I don’t know, the fact that I told her that I don’t know if I was abused, truly speaking, and if my friend told me that, I don’t know if I would write that? I’m staying OUT of their life, a minute. “How’s it going?”
“Are you having fun? Are you able to have a good time yet?”
That’s JOSE, the comedian, who’s upfront. “Can you get out of bed?”
“It’s chill if you can’t…”
“I am.”
HE gets it’s real.
Anyway, what do I do that’s going to work? I feel like I have to swallow my feelings, that all this “trauma talk” and “creating your own reality…” ” and “being psychic…” royally confused me. I did not need any of it. None of it was empowering.
I think more so than anything else, I’m looking for something that works. I feel better now that I’ve let go… of “you create your own reality…” Like, yes, in this case, which hasn’t normally been the case, I did feel disappointed, but the guru was incorrect in projecting that this was some base feeling I had to work out… because it prevented me from creating reality… when I had never been disappointed in life… and that’s one of these statements I could make that could trigger someone, like I can’t feel that way because of where I came from. Fuck my parents. No offense, in my case, I think there’s enough feeling behind that very true statement. Fuck them. Disappointed? Just please. How about — infuriated. Disappointed is like a kindergarten response. Disappointed?
Reality happens between us. That’s a more solid idea for me. To remain conscious, on my end, and understanding of how relationships work. No, don’t go to Brooklyn yet, drag it out, let him chase. That would have solved it right there. Though, you know what they say, too, maybe we revealed who we were, and what we wanted, so we could just let it dissolve.
Personally, I’m hurt because I just got here at 39, that I want a relationship, and my age sometimes makes me nervous, that I won’t find my person, which is really what I would like to find in life… turns out. Over a book, a career, I want to meet my person. (Maybe more than one, this is not my issue.) I have to keep a positive outlook, it’s just, the relationships I had with older men this past decade really really crushed me, because I got turned into a sci-fi or a pet project or a “debutante” or something, because I was young and attractive? Like, someone called me “an elite experience,” like I could climb the social ladder… I doubt these men would ever make such a big deal out of me NOW. Like I doubt I would have gotten into these relationships NOW. So I feel like I wasted my youth… on sci-fis… not real love, friendship, stuff like that. These were not real friendships.
So that hurt. And they make me shiver in thinking about my father, in particular, I must be honest. I didn’t meet FEMALE mentors even. I’d like to now. I wish I had an older female I could just shut up and listen to — truly.
I did get the name of a matchmaker, hilariously enough, from my friend. I bumped into her. So I’m going to make a profile, very Materialists, and I’ll see who else I can meet. I’ll quell the heartache, of having made so many mistakes, in a sense, having gotten unconsciously pulled down terrible directions, when I just could have taken a step in this direction… but I wasn’t necessarily interested in meeting a guy, right? I wasn’t thinking. LIFE—build. Sure, not everyone wants a partner, but that wasn’t exactly true about me. I’m someone who wants to be surrounded by people.
I keep seeing birthday parties with big groups of people. That was the goal, for me. And someone who was in tune, really, which is me now, would have really gotten that about me. “You’re a great person who deserves to have a solid group of friends around her,” and who is in the center of her own universe, not going to these… men. So, I worked that out, whatever that mechanism is, so I’m going to take a deep deep breath, and I’m going to organize a party for my 40th, even if it makes me terribly nervous, even if no one shows up. Some people will. But it’s more opening up that door. Throw myself a party every year, make it better, I’ll throw better parties… as the years go on… and that makes me emotional, because I didn’t think about that. I’ve gone out and done things for my birthday, but that act of throwing a party and celebrating oneself, that’s not been the easiest, even now, really now, just because of the people I met, and how they treated me.
It was so simple. It wasn’t that complicated. Forget the fame, lol, which is just a joke, it truly sounds like a joke in my case. Forget the fame, forget the accolades I don’t have, but I COULD HAVE!! (The guru). How about plain old life?
I’m sad that I didn’t prioritize relationships, as I had a restless nature, as a way of living that made it a challenge to — after Paris — to STAY in one place. Again, why I moved to Paris, I do not KNOW, now, like why? GO ON VACATION there. Figure out what you wanna DO, you see, one of these Arendtian moments, where “I don’t know,” I said, whimsically, which provokes me to laugh with the “spirit,” not the imagination, of Hannah Arendt, “what I want to do, but I want to live here…”
EHHHHH— I’m hitting the ALARM button. “Nope,” get away from this Romantic professor. Figure out what you want to do first, don’t get enchanted by the allure of “another world” sort of vaguely speaking. Paris is pretty, “cool,” and “you might want to plan a vacation…” with money YOU make, money you have. NOT your savings, not your savings that… isn’t going to last… be real. I thought everything was going to work out, you see, which in MY CASE, wasn’t correct.
“HOW?”
“What do you SEE coming your way? A man?” Well, I wasn’t exactly looking for that, though I was, but I mean, “marriage?” You see? I had these problems. “HOW is it going to work out? What are you even DOING with you life?” I laugh, I have to.
Now I’m thinking —forget my psychic abilities — SAVE my money, BUY a house, forget the lamborghini, as the guru projected SUCCESS at me… and wrapped me up in confusing LOGIC that it’s NOT ABOUT THE LAMBORGHINI but the FEELING when that’s SO CONFUSING, like I’m supposed to recognize a feeling… when something comes my way… it might not LOOK like a lamborghini, but it FEELS like a lamborghini,” just picture a psychology listening to this, “that’s how you KNOW…” and I have no idea what to do with that.
So anyway, I don’t know what to do, but I hope I keep figuring it out, what works, because nothing works right now. I need to keep figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. My personhood was crushed by this guru, in particular, but like, the plant people? That was a bit of a cult, there. In a sense. I’m going to work on my book, a second, I’m going to go to my friend’s house in the mountains for my birthday, and I’m going to… reflect, on myself, I need to think about what MODE I need to click into to make life work better for me. I got knocked down, I keep feeling that way, so it’s not working exactly.
But I’m going to sit with acceptance, empowerment, and bringing care into my space, being treated with care, since I feel un-cared for, which has to do with attitude, so I’m going to think: acceptance, empowerment, care. And that I do not know, so I’m not going to jump, (that’s the guru), I’m going to take my time and space…and give someone their time and space. I just don’t want to feel disrespected, which, I don’t know, maybe I’m not seeing it correctly, but that’s what this lawyer’s…unconscious dialogue over what he wants, in a relationship, after we got intimate came across as to me…a bit disrespectful of someone you’re trying to seduce, right? We haven’t even GOTTEN into bed yet, not really.
I’m going to actively think — WHERE do I want to end up? How do I get there? WHAT kind of man would I like to meet? Personality wise. Where might he be? Go? That sort of thinking.
Okay, so I worked through that one, this morning, as I keep feeling knocked down, and no, I don’t want to get caught up in “why I’m doing this” on a meta level, which didn’t help. I’m struggling to connect because of what I am dealing with, personally, which isn’t understood, it’s not being treated as real, which is hurting me, literally, physically, right? It’s hurting me. So who cares? I’m going to adopt that. Who cares if I was abused by my parents… so maybe I was, but I’m going to just turn the page. I’m going to NOT settle, that too, even though “I’m old” now, whatever. I’m going to get the guy I want. I’m going to buy a house, one day, I’m going to figure out what’s going to make me happy. I’m not happy with where I’m at, I’m not happy with the decisions I made, or who I got involves with. I’ll keep moving through this.