I might just cry. What a terrible decade this has been. I still struggle with these men I met, these older men. This screenwriter in particular, I just look back and say, why? Why would you act like that? I didn’t need to be destroyed, as a person, as he acted as if he could see through me, that he had a better sense of where I came from than I did. It was god awful. And I get wrapped up in this person, unable to see straight. It was a decade of many ends, the end of me. And I grieve, I do, my birthday is coming up, all this, sorry, “jacking off” and “talk of bending reality” when I wish I didn’t spend the money I had, so I felt enabled to my doom. And there’s nothing I can do about it. He can just get away with it, and he has money, so he had nothing to lose. That’s hard. I didn’t need to be psychic, I didn’t have any problems with becoming a writer— he should have minded his own business, quite frankly. Hopefully, seeing an old friend with help me find myself again… because I wish I could take it all back. You can believe in bending reality, all this stuff, or manifesting, I don’t know. I didn’t have a problem with it. You shouldn’t go acting like a psychologist if you’re not! And now, yes, I wouldn’t let someone WALK all over me, and turn weekly lunch dates into some creepy “I’m feeding you” routine… but I struggle with where I am at, I do. I have moments where his memory feels like such slime, and I’m confronting my sheer normalcy. Forget the X-Men, I’m so psychic, routine that he even subscribed to, I was a PRETTY woman. And that’s how he treated me. I was just a nice-looking young woman who came from a bit of a past, and I’ve been shut down now by practically everyone I know… on that one. I am single, too, you know, and I’m just having an emotive moment this morning as the thought of seeing my old friend… has given me permission to feel.
I have trouble moving on, feeling like my life has any purpose, wishing I never became any kind of artist, as that brought me weird men who wanted to play games with me — for my benefit, imagine? And they painted pictures and projected all this special bullshit onto me, that…how was that supposed to help me? So I just feel wretched this morning, totally heartbroken. Heartbroken, across the board. I really went through a rude awakening…I didn’t see this cluster of otherworldly logic, like I am psychic, I can download the book from the future… and I honestly find this exercise really hard. And adopting the perspective, one of the guru’s phrases, that “I’m making this hard for myself on a META level,” look, I’m just looking at notecards, taking my time, wishing I hadn’t dedicated my entire life to this exercise. Because I’m getting jumped on by men, in particular, before I can even produce anything. It’s that the guru felt like he had a right to insert himself in my private affairs. That royally ruined me. I was ruined. And I start weeping again, not understanding WHY he did what he did. Like, a, I would have never have taken that course of action that he did, and if I were him on the other end of the line, later on, there’s no way…. there’s no way… I would have ever have just sat there on the phone. It’s as if he wanted to destroy me… he was not benign. That was the most terrible relationship I was ever in.
And why? Why would he get involved in my life? But this person is just going to get away with it… I lost everything. So that hurts. That story only hurt me. Like go away, can’t you find someone on Craiglist to “teach?” And now, now that I’m a little older, I’m weeping, because it’s like, “oh okay, I was a pretty woman?” That’s why you did that? Like I can’t help what I look like. I thought there was the seeds of something in that terrible situation I was in, but it brought me more pain and insanity, I mean, just the weirdest people, than it was worth. I wish I became a lawyer, or thought about directing that experience elsewhere. And I just want to meet someone who actually loves me, normally, who wants to date, normally, who would never turn me into a “pupil…” I mean, why would you do that to someone? That was not friendly. At all. That was not a friend. That was an ogre.
And I am pretty much past the horrific logic I absorbed from this person, where I’m just here, again, in the present moment. No problems. No problems with the future. No problems, please. And I think, wow, terrible things happen to perfectly nice people… I just mean, you can get into terrible relationships, get crushed, spit out, and no one cares. I mean, not knowing if I was abused somewhere, that’s been a earthshattering revelation, no one hears me. I’ll get another job soon, I just didn’t need to be in this position, and it was actually super simple. Don’t spend the money you have. Forget being able to wave a magic wand… and make money appear out of thin air. What’s the point of living like that? And I look at this person in my mind, like, I CAME FROM A BACKGROUND. A REAL ONE. So don’t give me some ROUTINE as some so-called psychology expert. This person was, on that level, off. I did not deserve that. I struggle to let that go because he was so inappropriate at the start, first night, and I didn’t see it… and I started going down a road that totally ruined me… and it feels as though it was BECAUSE this man was attracted to me, I don’t know, I just don’t know why he would do that to some RANDOM girl.
My mind was a mess.
I have to go back to work, but I didn’t think I would ever feel this way, I never thought I could. You shouldn’t say “feeling your feelings” to someone like that. He said all sorts of vague things to me. I was a well-adjusted person, though I had problems, clearly, I didn’t see HIM, but I wasn’t in need of being manipulated out of existence, or turned into a Lifetime movie meets the Hero’s Journey. I keep writing these lines, hoping to reach someone, or alert someone he knows…we know. I wrote his sister, I wrote my old head of school, I doubt they check their messages, and honestly, I can’t even talk about it. I wrote my friend that introduced me to him, I can’t even talk to her. It was a heartbreaking insult, he insulted me. His brother told me that I was psychic within 20 minutes of meeting me… for no reason!
I do not subscribe. I do not agree.
So I have to move on… I do… I just suffer, still, that I feel so ordinary, even, like there’s nothing that special about me. I mean, in the real. Not like I can’t go “be special,” it’s just, what does that even mean? You know? I wish I just saw myself as pretty, but it’s beyond that, a woman. And, um, there are men… who…you gotta watch out for… they don’t care that you’re a person. That’s not what they are seeing, and that one, coming from the background that I did, that one was hard. You can’t get too starry-eyed, as to why is this man acting like this? It’s time to leave. Anyway, I keep hoping, I do, a classic, I don’t even want to be told that hope isn’t… the best way to manifest because x, y, z. I mean, I can’t keep up with this shit.
I’m hoping I can turn this around. I would like to be able to retire. I’d like to be able to share my life with someone. That’s basically it. Deep breath. Back to work.