What to do

So, I was on the floor of the restaurant last night, feeling distracted. I couldn’t help it, and I don’t know what to say. Like, if anyone told me that they didn’t know if they had been abused, ever, or if they, coming from a total disaster as I had, didn’t know, in the end, if that had been true about a true tragedy that befell them when they were four… I just wouldn’t act like mostly everyone did in my life. It was the, “oh yeah,” casual, “cool,” like, I’m sorry? There’s no way, my friend, a person? No way. I’m going to spend time with them regularly. I’m going to support them through that. I guess that’s me. I’m at least following up. That’s grave. That’s like a, hold space. I’ll grieve with you. I’m not going to shut that person down, I’m not going to pretend like that’s not heartbreaking and devastating. I have been heartbroken and devastated. I can’t even look at a picture of my parents. Only one of my friends, in the moment, held a space, it’s just, I can’t really help but wonder if he put on an act, in the end, because I haven’t heard from him… when, I don’t know, like, my friend lost her mother recently, and I don’t know how much time has passed, maybe a couple of weeks, but I’m about to send her another note, letting her know I’m thinking about her. I was shut down, I felt that way, and I was, even nicely, so I can’t tell if I’m projecting in that case, but I’ve had a hard time, specifically, with how the people in my life have reacted, and it’s left me feeling at a loss. I mean what I say. I don’t know if I can be friends…anymore. I’ve really struggled with it. I can’t go, whatever. Sorry, I mean what I say. My entire life, that lie was my whole life, and I went through a whole event… I don’t know what to say. I had to step away from these people, permanently, because I have to be able to hear myself think, like, I understand it’s hard for you to believe…though I already came from…a story…that’s never changed…that was already a “wow.” I don’t want to go to my friend’s birthday party this evening, to be frank, as I’m sort of done with it, and I’m trying to be open to… my reaction not being…fair? But I can’t do that.

The conclusion I’m coming to is, one of these META life reflections, that these people aren’t my inner circle, or intimate circle. I would think, Maria today, me, “I’m going to need to make this type of friend or partner.” I didn’t exactly prioritize building a life, so these friends of mine, I would say, structurally, some of them might have been close to me when I was in college, but that was 20 years ago. Not to say you can’t get together, from time to time, but with one, I basically have a text message relationship, which is fine, but not to be confused, as it’s fun to text with someone, who cares? But, I would have encouraged someone like me to really reflect on building an inner circle, at least, or FIND a partner — you gotta get over that part, only because in my case, I feel the lack of that, like, I wish I gave love a real chance. Not like I can’t now, but I’m moving through a big revelation, devastating possibilities, and I’m struggling with how the people in my life responded because they aren’t my friends like that.

If I had had an inner circle, a, that would have never have happened to the pitch that it did. I don’t know what to say about the whole epic event of it, because I had met a psychopath, not realizing it, I got wrapped up in strange corners. I was vulnerable in a particular way… however, all the same, if I did go through a large event, of some kind, without having been stiffled by some of this complicated ideology I absorbed which inhibited my capacity to SPEAK, which was “whatever is happening to you is what you want to happen,” you don’t really need anyone, you can solve all problems internally, I was NOT the person to say that to. I had no idea what was going on, I hung onto that lie for dear life, not really understanding WHY I was experiencing what I was experiencing, and this psychopath, even, was making assumptions as I was going through this, basically suggesting that I was repressed… which, why?

I called him, right? The guru. I was beginning to go through strange experiences. And, just to give a sense of where we GOT to, as he acted as if he were psychic. I called him. “What’s happening?” I said. Now, a normal person would say, “what do you mean?” No? Not the guru. He says, “don’t you think you were scared…?” And I took that in, “scared?” He said, “scared of suddenly being somewhere else?” Now, he already made an assumption. I had to unpack that with someone, I mean, my house was scary… I cannot even comment on that. “You’re probably going to be going through experiences…” he said to just hang up on the phone on me, practically. No, um, “how are you?” Nothing. A cruel man. WHY he would do that, I don’t know. He had no idea what he was talking about.

Unless? You see what I mean?

So I was communicating with a questionable person, irresponsible, unsafe, at the time. It was a life configuration problem. I had made weird friends. I had gotten very sucked into writing, unnecessarily… I had met only enablers… I had stopped seeing the “plant people,” I call them, by then, but still, I was told that I was psychic, no one in a professional, supposedly, mental health environment HEARD what I was saying… it’s only now that someone just asked me to take them through that…these early years of mine… so I don’t know what to say about that. Now, I struggle with the choices I made, meaning, I lack an inner circle. People I feel like I can actually talk to, people who know what it means to be emotionally available, who are going to follow up with you, simply. And my adopted family? Forget it. I am quite freaked out, freaked out by the very idea that I was in another family…

Again, if my daughter told me that she didn’t know that she had been abused, a girl I even adopted for seemingly unnecessary reasons, right? I’m not acting like it’s a sunny day in Maine. So that’s over. She’s no longer my mother, and my sister is no longer my sister. It’s over. Besides, that family ended up putting me through weird shit, man, and I no longer have a maladaptive pattern in that direction… now, I’m like, “okay, let’s try and find a boyfriend…” for real. I want a committed relationship, even to get married—progress. I wanted a GROUP of friends, I no longer need “a one on one” structure, like we gotta go deep, or I don’t have the same attachments. I would have approached my life 100% differently.

So, if you’re ever in that kind of position, it’s a new world indeed. I’ve had to make peace with not having made friendships that really fulfill me. That don’t give me what I need. Seeing old college friends from time to time is lovely, in theory, like, people have different types of relationships, and I think a varied social circle speaks to a life well-lived, in a sense. “Oh I’m seeing x,” I know that she’s not someone I can rely on, emotionally, or I’m not going to share intimate details with her, or be able to confide in. I went through an event, which is one thing, but once I was able to talk and sort through the mess of it, when it came to vocalizing that I didn’t know, there was no one. None of them, except one, acting airy fairy, like, are you joking? Even called. I don’t know how I’m supposed to react…

And they all have inner circles. You know? As far as I can tell. I’m not in it. My former closest friend, or one of them, he has a group of friends… I’ve met them, I’m going to be at the birthday party, but he did it, he found his clan of sorts. And all these friends of mine they have that. And I, I feel strangely heartbroken that I am supposed to feel satisfied with that, when, if they put themselves in my shoes, they aren’t in my situation. So that’s what they are, they’re in a different category, which now, I don’t know what to say, because I would never respond to anyone who told me that they might have been abused —like that. I’m showing up, regardless. In that case? Regardless. That’s a code red. Code human — “how are you?”

Not acting as if this person isn’t going through what they are, and wondering why they can’t make a switch. I was quite shocked at this group of people. But I’m in a different place as a person, where I am aware of my own heart, of the type of person I need as an intimate friend. I’ve had some trouble there. Letting go…of going to the wrong places for what it is that I am seeking. Meaning, there’s nothing wrong, at all, with what my needs are… I’m just going to the wrong places. And there’s nowhere else to go… because I made arguably weird life decisions, that, in my opinion now, don’t really speak what is truly satisfying about a life, and for me, that’s relationships, social circles. I was thinking of trying to find people who can more so relate to my background, or something.

I’ve made a couple newer friends, though they were always my friends, and they are in that category of close friends that I might not be able to talk to, I suppose I could, but I’m going to leave that alone. They would be at my birthday party, but they might not be the people I’m confiding in. I don’t know, maybe this speaks to my personal experience, meaning, if you tell me anything related to abuse, I’m there, I’m continuing to give you a HAND, because that’s gotta be hard to talk about. With one friend, she held me, we spoke about it, which I thoroughly appreciated, but we’re not discussing it further, she’s not asking me questions, but she knows I’m going through a period, and we’re hanging out frequently, doing fun things together. I don’t want to talk about it, as we aren’t that close, which is fine.

It’s more just, the people who were around me at that time, they didn’t know what they were doing, also, in that, I went through a medical emergency, not some ethereal mental health event that didn’t take me years to recover from. There’s nothing else for me to say. I went through a medical emergency. And a few of friends, I felt imprisoned, trapped, in needing to “pretend” like it was over, when I was going through severe pain. I could not do that. Like, these gurus, they acted as if what I went through was not real, because why on earth would you support someone traveling, after they got out of a hospital? (I hate the guru, truly.) No sense.

Do not be ridiculous, that’s my comment. I’m telling you to lay down, I’ll cook you some food, let’s just take it step by step. I went through a medical emergency. I couldn’t talk, I just tried to get my boxes back, as fast as I could, ripping through these, looking at pictures, like, was this true? None of these people around me, you see, were at all equipped, to deal with a real emergency. I suppose they did what they could, but that was horrific, for me, principally. And then, I have to chase after one of my friends, who gave me some speech about how it was hard for him, okay, I went through a medical emergency. So there goes that guy. He wanted to, encouraged me to, pretend as if I could turn a page, when I could hardly EAT. Eating was an ordeal.

What are you going to do? I don’t have anything to say about that part, only when I finally was able to start talking, what happened there. I’m too hurt, there’s a line between me and them that’s too deep. I might have come from a particular background, I understand that, where I’m able to show up for someone, and not in the, “you can call me,” but “I’m going to contact you,” not pretending like I don’t know you went through hell, or pretending like I know what you went through when I do not, no one in the hospital did any evaluating, not for real. I’m not doing that. I hate the subject of mental health because people act as if it’s some ethereal teletubbies episode… but, in my case, I went through a terrible set of experiences…

So I’m making peace with what I didn’t get, what I thought I would get, I guess, and what I hopefully can create moving forward now. If I had concentrated on building that core partnership, intimate circle, meaning. Like, I have to run some tests wiht my physician, just because I ended up talking to him about what I went through, and he just wanted to make sure I’m fine, and I think I am, but of course, I’m going to run some tests. I don’t have the friends that are going to go with me to the doctor, that’s a partner thing, a family thing, (this is what I mean), or the friends who are going to necessarily ask, since no one did. I said that to these people. “Have you gone to the doctor yet?” Nope. Me? “Do you want me to go with you?” No, okay, let’s talk when you get out, then, or just keep me updated. And I don’t know what to say…

I’m not a perfect person, things slip my mind, but that’s just who I am. I’m not exactly drawing conclusions, but as I move through this stupid story on the page, I’m just shocked, so. Anyway, I hope I’ll find what I want, need, and that I’ll have a few friends I get brunch with semi-often, I don’t know, people I actually hang out with. I’ve had a hard time, just going, “I can’t mention to x if I’m having a real moment,” it’s gotta go, “I’m good, thanks! And you?” That’s it. I don’t know if I want to talk THAT much, because as I said, if someone told ME what I told YOU, I wouldn’t be acting like that, so there’s nothing I can about THAT fact.

I’m definitely going, “take me through the situation…” and honestly, since that’s what I’m doing on the page, I don’t know what to say, because I can hardly believe it myself, and I sort of cower away, because I don’t know how “situations like these work” but I’m disgusted. I have real questions, for my parents, type deal. And I have the right to ask them. And there are “friends” so to speak who would be able to back me up in that way. When it was all ethereal, one of these friends wanted to hire a PI to watch Ghomi, hilariously. But yeah I have real questions.

So I guess I’ll go this party tonight, with a bit of a “alright whatever,” as I don’t think I’m in the wrong, actually, and I’ll just keep letting them go, I mean, letting go that I’m not getting what I want or need here, and I guess, we can be casual friends, I don’t know what else to say. I might not want to hang out, but then, we don’t hang out… so who cares? I gotta keep moving forward in the direction that I think is mine, sometimes wondering if this is all a sign of a greater need, (which is when Obama comes to mind, stately) like I should go back to school, study psychology, and specialize in an area, because God knows, I do not care if I know you even, I would never abandon a person who’s going through something like that. Maddening, truly. I mean what I say. I do not KNOW. I went through enough.

I’ve had a hard time, and what I’m saying to myself now is, I’m going to have to let it go… that’s not what I’m going to get… not here. I suppose I could call one of my friends who said, “I’m here for you,” and say all this to? I’m just going to let it go… as “it’s hard” when I’m trying to wrap my head around these years this woman’s youngest daughter and I went to a fancy French prep school to faciliate this sex scandal, basically, like, not knowing WHY I remember a chocolate bar from my father, when I wasn’t living there, and he didn’t mention “times” I was home, and I don’t have my own bed in this house, I cannot deal with “it’s hard for you…” not right now.

Dave Chappelle comes to mind, grimacing through this as I needed him, hilariously, to keep me laughing through this. And all I can picture is him, tipping back, saying the obvious. “Her name is Dr. J.” Is there anything more I need to say?

So I’ve need to laugh and react like Dave Chappelle would, in my mind, to basically get through this experience. “I get I was in the Sound of Music for most of my life, or something…skipping around,” picturing how he spoke about Bill Cosby, selling pudding pots, but he came from the projects, so he might say “some real shit from time to time.”

I’m seriously sitting with all this, not knowing what to do with it… so I don’t want to hurt anymore, you know? I don’t want to put so much on a story about it, like it’s going to make these people realize that they hurt me deeply, when they won’t. I can’t expect people to apologize, so I have to move forward and try to build a life… and I have one solid friend right now, two, but really one, who wants to spend time with me, so I’m building a relationship with her… which is going well. I think I’m rather un-complicated, in fact. I’m easy. She is.

Maybe I’ll call Jose, the comedian who pointed INTO the subject, “how are you doing with that, specifically? Are you able to get out of bed in the morning?” I mean, shrugging, it’s chill if you can’t. Understandable. I had to laugh. He was the only person who did that. Right? So I might talk to him about it, I’ll see if that’s necessary, in that, I’d be able to crack jokes, um, tackle it in a particular way. He’s not uncomfortable with the subject, it seems, but really, I’d like to ask him if he would be able to help me film my short series… I can try and pay him a little, or whatever. He can tell me what he thinks. Is it funny? Is it interesting? Me telling your fortune in PETCO? On the phone. Can you SCAN over the aisle? OF? Another location.

“Uh huh,” confused, truly, “I think you have a mental illness,” looking at electronics. “Yeah, I do, “I think you need to go to a psychiatrist, I do, I’m pretty sure.” Looking around BestBuy. “It’s just, not working, I get it, I do, and I think you might find some alleviation if you are honest about what you’re actually experiencing…”

It’s like, looking around, “I think the guides have spoken…”

“I don’t even know how I ended up here…”

As I have unorthodox methods, that work, right? My phone is ringing off the hook. I’ll have to keep developing it and seeing if it works, given the one way convo of it, but I’ll work that part out, they don’t need to be long. The shorter the better. I’m just trying to achieve a small goal, make ONE thing. ZOOM IN AND OUT—Farmer’s market, “hm hm,” okay, “give me a moment to orient myself with your energy… “ scanning flowers, apples, cheese, interesting, looking over there, to some lonely empty corner. “I see.” I overhear a “wow, amazing!” “Oh…” I’m nodding, “okay…” wondering if this is a cover up… or the sign that something good is coming round the corner that the person doesn’t expect, what is it?

I’m just taking it in, as space speaks, and I’m IN the moment, and life is revealing itself around you, I am simply a medium. And I’ll take it from there…

I’m going to have to learn how to film something.

I have to get ready for rehearsal, as I’m doing a scene today, and I have rehearsal later, now that I have my IWatch on—I’m ready rapid fire to send “YES” regardless, as these film students move at a super rapid pace. I just don’t want to deal with distractions anymore, because it just messes with my head. And I don’t need to carry that into my work. I can’t help it, the topic is heavy enough, needing to deal with people who don’t get it. Even still struggling with future thinking. I can still get triggered. Honestly, the real mental health issues I have is annoying and hilarious—it’s the future. It’s unnecessary. I can’t help that the guru’s emotionally manipulative way of being, beliefs, really affected me. I find that a struggle to let go of, though I’d like to have a sense of what my goals are, where I’d like to end up, I just don’t think I need to get SCI FI about it. He was a little sci-fi.

Again, wish I left the first time we hung out. He pointed at me strangely, and spoke to me as if we were in a sci-fi about “the chosen one.” I mean, “knooowwww what do you wanna knoooooowwwww, life is not about what you wanna do, it’s about what you wanna knowwwwwww….” he appeared like one of these “illuminated” crazy people. And it was the deep breath he took, and he did this impulsively, as he raised his arm and finger at me — outstretched and shaking. He was completely weird. I wish I never…got involved. I’ll keep working that out. Luckily, I’m doing well at my job, though I wrapped up someone else’s receipts last night, which isn’t a big deal, but I got distracted by all this. And the bartender was like, “why are you stressed,” because anything rocky disturbs me, I’ll continue to settle. He was a lunatic. There’s no excuse, he shouldn’t have spoken to me like that.

Time to go play Fletcher in Whiplash, speaking of, so I’m going to try and love the shit out of manipulating someone, fucking with someone, as an elevated artist, even, chest out. Someone who could and would say, “I can get an extraordinary artist grant fucking tomorrow Neiman…” like I don’t give a shit about him, but he’s sort of a fun play thing, maybe talented, if you can call it that… or he will become great through this treatment. I’ll go have fun. I’m excited because it’s one of these LARGE emotional character. So I gotta run my lines, and I’ll decide what I’d like to do… I guess about this birthday party… I feel strange about it.

This is how I feel right now: