I keep breathing, I keep telling myself I need to get off this blog, but I can’t seem to break away. It’s like, looking at these notecards, “yeah,” I can finish this story, make some headway, it’s just… looking at this story, how confusing. “Yeah I can make it…”

You know what, what else can I do?But believe in it, or accept that I’m here, and it put me through so much, just so much. So I hope it does, I hope this story takes off, and that I’ll reach a new chapter. Was it true? In the end.

I never thought I would feel this lost, or this strange, so, just because my entire understanding of this story had to be reframed, and the journey to get to notecards was…harrowing.

I just hated this story, hated it so much. It didn’t bring me any real love, if that makes sense.

I’m going to leave now, I’m excited to go to the event this evening. I want the future to go away so badly. Maybe I’ll get a checkbook, write myself a check like Jim Carrey did, imagine this will bring me a great reward… it’s more so having gotten so caught up in it.

I never feel like going out when I tackle this one…

I feel so confused, like I’m supposed to talk about this story over social channels? I’m supposed to try and sell… this or put myself out there, like this? I guess so, I don’t know, but I really didn’t want to be in this position. The guru suggested that I do this. I don’t know what to say.

I’m trying to feel better about it, so I hope I will. But for now, I have to work on letting go… of talking to no one. This blog. It’s the heartbreak, the ache, of the future shit, the future audience shit. I’m finding it challenging to break away from that idea… like it had claws. My head spins, it really does, sometimes, like I didn’t want to get all fucked up about “making it” or something. Like I didn’t believe that I could? Or, I was special? Cocking my head at these notecards.

I could become a great star… squinting at these notecards…

But now, I feel like I got eaten alive, so I’m spinning a bit, letting go… I need to get active, I am, but I still suffer from what I learned, absorbed, this past decade, I really truly do suffer. I feel so alone sometimes, it’s hard, like I didn’t see how I was enabling myself. That’s all I got, but I just think about that guru sometimes and it still pains me. So, deep breath, moving on, brighter horizons.

-in line in a fur, at White Lotus-

Okay, so let’s say I was in foster care, I had been in foster care, what would the guru have done? Would he have concentrated on my potential greatness? Does that make sense? I needed to work out my head. You can download the stuff from the future — would he have acted that way? I keep trying to put this story out there, right? Because that’s what he told me to do, and people responded to it so intensely, they could, that I feel confused now. I just wasn’t expecting to feel eaten alive by these trauma people (the plant people) aka psychedelics.

Imagine Casey in the backseat saying something innocent, “you got involved with drugs?” Well, right? Affleck and Damon are going to try and defend me, and to Casey, that’s going to sound like “yes,” he’s going to shrug. I’m speaking about their characters in Good Will Hunting, a movie I obviously watched a lot. And I appreciated it. That basically sounds like a “yes.” I’d laugh. “I had no idea, really!” That was strange. Just because I ended up in a relationship with a controversial person.

“A drug addict,” Casey knows.

“But,” he’s listening to me and it’s funny, “he has problems, like he’s off drugs or something because he’s on…”

“Drugs,” Casey says…?

“Like he has special needs?”

You see what I mean? “And then I’m going to start sometimes, not all the time, as I can’t really get addicted to those drugs,” it’s more that he was sort of mentoring me now— “another one?” Casey. “Another mentor?” And you can picture, McBride going, “what are you, like the best writer that’s ever been?”

“I guess it was like, supposed to be that I met the right people and it was going to help me…”

“BUT WHY,” Casey, “yes,” McBride, “why are people helping you?” Helping you how? “Jesus Christ,” he’s annoyed. Except, I’m attractive? But WHAT, WHAT, was I attracting? And look I wouldn’t share this part, but if my past started to surface, as I got into a brief and not fun affair, no one was even there for me.

Like I was talking to this specialist, like I’m confused as to how to frame all that? “You got involved with the wrong people?” Just generally. What I was doing didn’t make sense.

I keep moving through these “acid flashbacks” type deal where I feel lost because I didn’t feel like I was conscious of the choices I was making. And the guru was so confusing because he played a super weird card.

And now I’m looking at “was it true?” The notecard. After ALL that — you can MAKE IT AS A WRITER!!! The unbelievable can happen to YOU! When… I’m putting up notecards, “her breasts at her door,” yeah that scene.

I have vision for this story now, and I’m where I’m at, so I’ll keep reaching, will keep embracing this moment. Keep doing what I need to, and I do feel like I keep moving on. So deep breaths.