I don’t know man, the guru told me to get on social media after I got out of a hospital. No one treated what I went through as real. It was such a nightmare. I wish so deeply that I had someone, anyone, who told me: traveling right now is not a good idea. So a river of tears.
Tonight, waiting for the A C E, at 2am, I buzzed around the restaurant just wanting to cry. I wish I never met that man. I wish he stayed out of my life. It was as if he wanted to ruin me, he sent me down the road to my doom, because he shat on my story, he acted as if he knew what he was doing, and he really didn’t. I don’t know why. Why he had to project all over me. I never said I was “the best writer ever.” I never thought I wasn’t special, you know, I just didn’t know why he spoke to me like he did. And so, tears. So many tears. Wishing — I never met him. I never knew him. He treated me with so much disrespect. I’m not a toy. He’s not a psychologist. What he did really ruined me to a point that I didn’t even think was possible. So I’m crying on the subway. That whole decade just destroyed me.
And now I feel like I was just a pretty young woman.
Share your story on social media, he thought, so I could attract a literary agent. Ugh, he suggested that I send an instagram profile to a literary agent, imagine? That story only brought me pain and weirdos. It’s like, why do people act like they are psychic? I don’t know. That’s how the guru acted to a creepy point. He was so creepy.
I was just a chick at a cafe. And I don’t think I’m selling myself short for saying that. I didn’t need someone like him, but at least this evening I’m typing without any noise in my head as that been an ongoing battle, because the logic I absorbed messed with my head. So I am alone in own head.
I think I’m done, I think I’m hanging up my hat. I did not deserve that man. I feel like I tried and I got eaten alive over a stupid book. And why these men thought I was so special I don’t know. I wish they went elsewhere. But then, no one would have listened or stayed. I’m so heartbroken.
So– I met a psychopath. Psycho-path. That’s his role in my life. And now, I’m going to let go of “my ability to be famous,” whatever that was. The merciless idea that this book was going to change my life, that I was going to be Harry Potter. I just didn’t need it. Why did he do that to me? Why? You know? I didn’t pry into his personal life the second I met him.
So — today is a river of tears. He hurt me worse than my parents. They were mentally ill. What was his excuse? It’s over. I don’t want to be a character on a novel. I don’t want to talk about my life, my childhood. This is wasn’t my problem. I didn’t think I was that special, come on. And I wasn’t against being THAT special, Jesus Christ! This guru was insane.
After years of just trying to work out my head, I just give up. Maybe it will be a simple life for me. I don’t know. Maybe I won’t amount to much I don’t know. But the story only brought me pain. I didn’t care that much. It happened a long time ago, you know, which is what people didn’t understand. At 30, guru, idiot, it’s been 26 years. That’s a long time. I’m not going to have the same experience of it as if it happened yesterday. And no, I’m not wrong, YOU are. I don’t know why the story in particular triggered people to tell ME I’m wrong about myself.
So I’m going to give this all up. I don’t need to make it. I mean, I’m mostly embarrassed. I’m going to keep getting into a rehearsal room, ill see what come’s out. But this path ruined me. This story only brought me disrespect. So that’s that. I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t care if I’m Lady Gaga. I’d rather find a man who just wants to hang out with me. Love me. Normal.
So I grieved tonight on the floor. I truly grieved. Nothing has worked out. And it’s funny to me, I guess I was pretty, but I’m just in sweats now. I wasn’t trying to be the prettiest person there, I don’t know how to frame that, because they guru was disturbing, confessing his love to me over a lost DVD while role playing some version of my father at the same time.
So adieu. I’m going to give this up.