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Maria Mocerino

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Okay okay okay, finding balance in the public eye

October 6, 2025

I just posted a graphic on my Instagram because I just posted a section of Miracle Mile on my book blog — I’m staying extremely undescriptive about it, meaning, I’m not describing what Nicole and I did exactly, because I remember screaming and playing in the foyer, I remember climbing over her legs on the stair, but I don’t remember sordid details, if you would. We were just told to run amuck, but yes, Angelica Leibowitz very transparently put her hand to her ear, she lifted her hand to signal—time to raise the roof. Up the volume. Reach the stars. So we did. We got to dancing, lol, we got to playing, really, but we might as well at that point.

It gets easier putting that story out there, I haven’t had that much success yet in the publication arena, and it’s been, strange for me, figuring out how to tackle that. I’ve battled whether or not there’s a real point to, just because, honestly, I didn’t want to be here. Sure, I said, “she lied about him being a child molester” to many people, it’s just no one was really hearing what I was saying, so this GURU for example, is telling me to get ONLINE and BE SOMEBODY — and then, it’s about sex, or I went on a revelatory journey, you see, when I started writing — which I’ve tried to TELL PEOPLE I KNOW — to NO real recognition. That’s been maddening.

So I’m here, you know? I’m someone who is SO sensitive to triggers, and I get angry at the feeling that I should censor myself because of WHAT IT IS, simply speaking. I’ve been at a tug of war. Because, well, social channels are there, people get discovered there, so I don’t care that much, but putting something out there that’s being received by no one you can see, exactly, and something that — do you like that? What do you…do? Like it? Do you like it? Not really. Which is fine. I’ll get to the likeable stuff, eventually. But I keep taking steps in putting it out there, in this way. It’s like, it’s a public platform. It’s not a private space, but people are in their private worlds when they are on it. Social media is one of these fascinating new spaces that has changed the public realm. But publications are posting about scandals, abuse, on social channels, so I’m just inserting myself into the conversation… with a really really impactful story, no? I hope so. I mean, the love songs, unreal. The LAMBADA being the overaching theme here is so deep.

So sex is going to become good, in the end, Jose Leibowitz dancing with grandma, right? Just because, how do you tackle what’s unbelievable to people? I keep feeling better about it, just putting it out there… hoping that it will help me…get seen, and that I’ll be able to get a book deal, all that. I just wasn’t expecting to have to lead with the subject, which is — it’s so obvious, it drives me nuts, because the blindness and internal hall of mirrors of it, people don’t want it to exist, and everything looks a bit different in the public eye. A story like that, to me, I just keep reaching for it, because — it’s a space where scandals can exist, most definitely. It’s a space of debate. But no one, in looking at that story, is going to tell me that it wasn’t true. The question is — what happened next? Is it?

I usually make a super gross face. At that point. These were my parents!

By the time I get to the DROP OFFS? At my house? One, I remember, I just can’t even PLACE myself as we reached the end of it! I was looking at my parents — wanting to rip their faces OFF. WAS THIS TRUE CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES? Angelica wouldn’t EVEN be able to HANDLE IT, except, at the BH Tennis Club, she asked me, “was it true?” Once of these memories I came to realize I had. I don’t know what to say about whether or not I was repressing abuse, I don’t know what to say, because I do not know how this works at all. Did Amy Griffin go through strange gynecological events? Did she go through HIP pain? I can’t remember in the book. I went through extreme pain. I don’t even know what the body of psychosis is. But I was also interacting with a psychopath, okay? Who was “mentoring” my book draft about all this, YIKES, played by AMAZING STELLAR MUST BE SEEN IMPOSSIBLY DARK AND IMPORTANT John Malkovich WHY HE IS JOHN MALKOVICH. I’m sorry I have to laugh, because this guy literally told me that a fictional character in my draft was a psychological device. Be real.

Okay? I was going through experiences, for sure, I just don’t know what’s what, what’s possible, as that was all mixed up. I’m just taking it piece by piece. But I did go through some strange experiences, nonetheless. Once I get more settled, I’ll run tests with my physician, just to make sure I’m alright physically, and he’s right you know, if you’ve been in the hospital, you might want to see your doctor?

Talking about it helps, but mental health, again, forget it. OOMPA LOOMPA DO BA DEE DO… here is a… diagnosis for you… I just couldn’t even believe how ethereal it was. It’s just a medical emergency. I just went through a medical emergency.

The brain, even, since I don’t know how to tackle this, is connected to every part of you, so I went through a physical event, regardless. I don’t know what to say about anyone else. Maybe connections should be made? If you come up to me, and they did, and look, my day two nights in that hospital were — important. Dante, indeed, my cousins in Naples truly believe I am Dante. So they came up to me, and they asked me whether or not I was experiencing hallucinations…

“A hallucination is a strictly sensational form of consciousness,” William James. And at one point, I went through so much sensation in that area of my body that the hallucinations were severe. I was on the floor struggling with that area of my body… moving to the side… because the hallucinations were too close… I know what they are, I know they are hallucinations, stop. But why I was experiencing so much in that area of my body, I didn’t know. I mean, look, on the one hand, I can’t even state anything, but the sexual trauma specialist I’m consulting… said people can describe things in this range. Even my weird hip pain. No offense, I can’t even identify WHERE this might have happened. And neither could he. But yeah, possibly, he said. But it was, his comment, “and we must remember,” must, basically, “that there are the ages BEFORE four,” what? “The ages 0 to 4…” I’m sorry????? Are people being abused before they have an age? Can someone hear me, I wept, I really did.

Who is this person?

We only talked once, so next time I’ll ask him what… the body of this is? If he could talk to me about that… just because I have no ability to contexualize. The only thing I can say is that I got to the other side of something. I just don’t know what it is. But that was always the story. It just didn’t make sense… nothing changed about the bare bones of it, and my friend, one of them, might remember me throwing my fists — manaically — at Astor Place Starbucks — “SHUSH, we’re not going to tell him what we know….’ and you have to picture someone like John Stewart taking me in…. with big eyes. “HAHAHAHAHAHA.”

Big eyes, “I have no idea what’s going on…” and no one got it, I thought, but what exactly did I get? I had to look back on myself, like, what was I doing? The way I approached that, I am blown away by myself. So it was always the same. I really did talk to this lady at the BH Tennis Club for YEARS. Years. So that’s what that is.

Now we’re off, that took a few months. I have to keep developing my ideas. Typically, people didn’t ask me what I had to say, but I was also acting weirdly, I mean, in some adversial relationship with audience that THEY didn’t see, where, at every step, their interpreating, at every step, they’re lost, just totally lost. Who’s who? Did she, or she? Is this your mother now? LOL, truly, laugh out loud. I don’t relate to the word trauma, actually, I don’t know what to say, because I also got involved with a psychedelic group, not really reailzing — that this was not a good idea. Okay? So my physician was like, maybe you had an adverse experience later? I don’t know what to say because I had stopped. And again, I don’t know the body of ANY of it.

But like, hmmmm, I walked over the Bill of Rights at the hospital, and started reading. I even read it outloud, asked permission to, I asked the attendant beside me,
”may I?” Okay. Just to set down an anchor. I don’t know if I was handled properly. Aren’t taking showers some kind of sign? That was the first thing I did. I couldn’t stop taking showers. You know? Then, they asked me to “talk to people,” imagine? Isn’t that YOUR job? So I did, I walked into my room, and asked Lisa Rios how she got here… you see. Again, you know, that was an event, for sure, I hated mental health, hated it. But, like, the guru said, “panic attacks are par for the course…”

WHERE IS HE GETTING THIS INFO?

WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

HE BELIEVES based on literally no credentials, literally nothing, literally, that I was repressed. REPRESSING WHAT? He indirectly suggested, shoved down MY THROAT even, that I wasn’t FED or bathed or cared for properly — WHAT was this MAN DOING? Acting all like — skipping through meditation meadows, like he’s not doing anything. WAS I? Where am I? I really was blown away. This man had some nerve, and at times, I get these sensations, like… am I supposed to acknowledge the GOOD times? Look, GURU, I wouldn’t have been there at STEP ONE. Was he in love with me? Did he take advantage of me? I don’t think he did, but like, this man was so strange, so GURU ESQUE, that it’s a bit disturbing.

In any case, I’ll keep going with the story, I’m going to pause a second on my blog, because I’m working on it behind the scenes, but it’s where I sit with it, in terms of the spectacle of the whole thing. I think I chose ENYA “Only If” because of the manifestation stuff too. “Only if you want to, you can seize the day…only if you want to, you can find a way…” and I’m sitting here, like, MANIFESTATION was not MY PROBLEM — I HAD NO PROBLEM WITH IT.

I’m applying for jobs, trying to keep my cool with where I am in the moment, I had to start over, you know, completely. And yet, I’m going to have to do a goddamn survey because everything I say that, people have said “everyone feels that way.” In fact, no matter WHAT I say, “Everyone feels that way.” So who gives a shit? I cannot even tell you, how that’s NOT what I have ever said to a person. So am I experiencing what 40 is? I mean, people wake up to their life, have crises, but that’s what I woke up to. I recently sent Dr. J, another SUBJECT ONLY EMAIL. I do that from time to time now. Was that true?

I asked her if he was a threat to me, but what is she going to say? YEAH? “No,” she didn’t hestitate, Dr. J, so she knew what I was talking about, no?????? He was a gentle man. I could have reached through the phone and SLAPPED her across the face. So anyway, that’s what I got today. And I’ll keep putting the story out there. I’m almost settled into what my life is, this second. I get impatient, but I’m 39, and I don’t have anything. Sort of looking at myself like, really? Wow. A cluster of choices, and the past decade— did not help me at all.

That was a FAUX PAS on behalf of THAT psychedelic community. I came from “one of those,” hunny, and the NYTIMES would probably agree with me, “one of those…” so if someone doesn’t make sense, we might hold off. I can’t break myself down because it’s taken a few years. I started working in psychedelics, why? Dunno, I was open, you see, and I was moved to witness that they seemed to be helping people, right? I saw drug addicts who were getting clean… I heard people’s stories. In my case, generally, I became psychic.

Here we go.

I was saying I was adopted…

No one is going, “what do you mean?”

Finally, a woman said, “you won’t be in foster care families…”

I had to pause. No no no. But that’s what that means.

I was not an adopted kid. But I was told that I had “all the adopted kid stuff.”

It’s not that it wasn’t true, in a sense, that I wasn’t taken in, or that my second surrogate mother didn’t refer to me as “her like a kid,” Jesus, or that, my mother now doesn’t refer to me AS her daughter, it’s just… now, I’m not saying that. I’m not saying I was adopted. No, I got the basics worked out. My mother didn’t give me away, she paid a woman to protect me —

Look, I went through hell, for real, for years. I went through agony, dreams. I couldn’t always eat. I don’t know what to say. I just kept moving through… what I needed to privately, because…over time, I was hoping the situation would clarify itself. So I wandered the earth for a few years…and took a deep breath and just came back, I knew it was going to be a bit shaky, but I’m alright, not where I’d like to be in life, but hopefully things will turn around for me now.

But seriously, when I look back at that GURU, I am startled by his stupidity. He looks terrible. Absolutely self involved and grossly out of his element. And like GOD smiled upon me, literally speaking, when suddenly I was on my way to some TV production office in Istanbul…… where a man who worked in film randomly met me, he randomly heard my story, NOW, on the other side of my battle, and he said, simply, “I am affected, I am emotionally invested, so why not try it?” That’s it! No talk of, though everyone sort of does this to me, wisdom…

Think Heavenly Creatures.

Hopefully, that story hits on all the right notes, because it’s true, you sort of have to picture Amy Griffin in that dress, too, that’s Dr. J — the mastermind, though she was mostly in a suit, but it’s the same idea, as she was a real fashionista, opera. It was high pitched for sure. Dr. Joyce Rebhun. And I don’t know what to say about Angelica’s husband, even, as he worked so much, so I have no idea what to say… about these orchestrations. I know they happened, Nicole remembers them too. And then, Dr. J is running in like a lunatic in a white fur, fawning all over Nicole, as we were stationed in the living room…for her arias of ignoring me. She ignored me completely. “not one look,” Angelica Leibowitz said.

And I’m thinking, I believe she thought, is she rejecting her?

Does she hate her because…this is really happening?

Poor Nicole, she had to… deal with this woman.

What an utterly strange sex scandal, no? It’s a sex scandal, that’s for certain. I mean what I say. Then my mother shows up without a top on, or her blouse totally undone, no bra, nope. Angelica Leibowitz opened her DOOR, at the BH Tennis Club, to breasts. Wow. So there you go, little sneak preview.

If that turns out to be true, wow. By the end of this story, I was LOOKING at it like, was it? Or was he just mentally ill? Or did he have dementia? I don’t know. He got diagnosed when I around ten years old, he just didn’t tell anyone…….. his doctor told me ten years later.

I was so grossly disrespected. Grossly. And I say that AS my mother’s ESCORT BUSINESS MANAGER GHOMI— acting all smug about it. The man who saved her from the ashes… because she was a genius… a genius, how? Of taxes? Who is this guy? Well, according to him, he used to work for “the” government, and according to crazy bags, Dr. J, he was a secret agent. Simply. Care to explain? Secret agents exist. I know that. So does Tom Cruise. A man who PLAYS one. He gets there’s a difference. To me, it took 30 years, but he clearly had NEEDS? He clearly needed…someone with her skills? As he got her out of bankruptcy and her business back up again — whatever it was. WTF? Who is GHOMI? It was Nate’s questions, AKA Jon Stewart. He wanted to hire a PI, for real, in college. Let’s follow them. I said no, but I wish we did it, now. He’s going to tell me, “I told you.”

FAT ALAN, one of my mother’s lovers, I interviewed him, I was ten, he showed me a pyramid scheme on a napkin, so did my mother help him with this? What exactly did she do? The articles, yes, they are clear, she’s expensive, skilled, helping people out of financial ruin…? My father said the majority of her clientele were criminals, but what does that mean? Dunno. Funny when you wake up to facts such as these.

I feel realer and realer as a person, that makes me feel clearer, as — well, there was a mental health component to coming into the public domain. Bringing all that up. It sounds different, it appears different, that’s all. Fat Alan.

Anyway, my investigation continues at the Beverly Hills Tennis Club.

Were they wealthy? Not wealthy? Not the wealthiest? Was I in a ring? I do not have the answers to these questions. But a COP in NY told me outside a 7-11 years ago that I wouldn’t even believe how real child sex rings are. I’m sorry? Is that not unbelievable? WHY is this happening? But it definitely inspires lots of thoughts, questions, which isn’t that fun. Just as long as — it’s what I think it is, like, my mother paid HER, right? to protect me from him? I question it myself, and then I anchor myself back in, oh right, she came over to visit like a lunatic, a true lunatic, and my father acted………strangely……I guess she figured, I was safe, and what’s a little song and dance? A little song and dance for this son of a bitch?

There’s something satisfying about it, just getting back at this person, and Dr. J inspired the same vitriol. You wanted to hurt her. She might have wanted… it, sort of, hard to tell, as that was a seriously sick person. And you see, I am not afraid of her, her little friend, Ghomi, not at all. I’ve got Neapolitans behind me, you see, smiling. And if we must, we’ll get the bats, and we’ll destroy the property that we must. It’s true, though! Haha. No way. Not possible.

So I’m done for the day, I have to keep working.

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