Alright, alright, alright — feeling good this morning, have a meeting tomorrow about being a radio DJ, sure, there’s no money in it “right now,” but — I’ll ask her how anyone even makes money anymore, to assess, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find voice over work or figure something out. As long as it doesn’t take up that much of my time, that sounds fun, hosting a pop radio hour. I’m looking to go into entertainment in some capacity. I’m trying to keep an open mind.
Now the tough part — looking for jobs this morning, thinking money. What direction am I seeking to go in? Where would I like to end up? In editorial? If that’s what I’d like to do? What do I need to do to get there? When I first started out, I was working for Rogue, which was an interview/PR mag, it’s just, in the end, I didn’t want to be an interviewer. I don’t know what to say.
I think back to these men I got involved with who WANTED TO HELP ME — why? I don’t know. They should check themselves. Jesus Christ, this help shadow, wanting to slap myself (with the ghost of Barbara Harris in a ponytail and bejeweled bra, I Dream of Genie). I really didn’t understand WHY these men wanted to help me that badly. Not to say I wasn’t AMAZING EXTRAORDINARY but…I didn’t DO anything, really. They had feelings for me, about me, I can’t keep up here.
I Dream of Genie Barbara Harris — sultry, hanging out behind me, in these hilarious locations: Carlyle Hotel, Beverly Hills… getting told I could HAVE a lamborghini, I could, on my own, as a writer. Not in entertainment or… not to say I couldn’t write GAME OF THRONES, or something, I really don’t know. I just feel funny, as some pretty girl in a dress, being told that I could MAKE IT in some capacity and it didn’t matter HOW, it didn’t matter. Nothing did.
And the LOOK I give in FRAME at “nothing MATTERS” “STUNNING,” the critics. “SO much GENUINE emotion IN A WORLD IN WHICH NOTHING IS REAL—AMAZING SO TRUE.”
WHY was this necessary?
No writing required. It didn’t MATTER. It JUST doesn’t MATTER. Nothing does.
A conversation with me now, at 39, looking at these men with years ahead of me, would have done me more good than the time I spent with them. “Where do you want to go…?” For real. New Yorker is the mag that everyone says, you know. Like the hypnotherapist SAW me there, okay. Based on psychic feelings. Not to say everyone doesn’t want to end up there, but nothing I did thus far seemed to help me at all. I wasn’t thinking straight.
Now I have to keep applying, but I’m trying to think as to where I’d like to go… I am not a reporter, do I want to be? Just because if I wanted to end up somewhere, I could have thought about the steps I needed to take to get there. That’s what my friend, my French friend, told me to spend some time…reflecting on. Instead of having a “anything can happen” attitude, and thinking about it like, this one writer ended up there when she worked for a small dance mag?
I’m not exactly an editorial writer, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be, but none of these (besides Rogue) jobs I had were editorial. I mean, Allure, type deal. I’m not a features writer. I don’t have a beat. I just ended up in science, not really wanting to be here, but my attitude, though sweet, was so POSITIVE, you see, that I’m happy wherever I am, but I needed to get over that.
I hated this guru, I don’t care. I unfriended that mother fucker. Real fast. Fuck you.
Let me tell you something — I’m getting UP in your FACE — I’m Neapolitan. Just, I need Benedict Cumberbatch or someone British to BREAK IT DOWN — you don’t PISS OFF A NEAPOLITAN. It’s POLITICALLY unsafe to do. Yes, specifically. These people are INSANE. They revolt, they throw trash cans, they will confront you in PUBLIC with BACK UP, COUSINS. And they’re going to be dancing, at the same time. We’re breaking out into song. We’re putting on a PERFORMANCE most definitely. Don’t mess with a NEAPOLITAN. We follow the siren.
My cousins would be —calm, as I blow up, giving me the space to. Just because that was so crazy, to me. But hopefully you can manifest, I just don’t think I had a problem with it, so I worked out what I needed to.
Psychedelics is a bit more in the health arena, so that’s why I veered over here, not to say the New Yorker didn’t do a piece or three in this domain, but “you need to practice writing” was the worst piece of advice. It did not help me learn how to write a book. The people I worked for, with all due respect, these weren’t writers. I didn’t have an editor, for real. They weren’t seasoned magazine people. I wasn’t learning from anyone, if that makes sense, not to say I need to… I’m supposed to be able to do everything myself, but I gotta align my gears — so I can get a better job.
It’s just, outside of writing books, there’s only so much money I can make. Not to say I can’t start a successful Substack, not to say that I can’t get a TV show, or something, like the possiblities are endless, it’s just that’s confusing.
So, now, I’m trying to go, okay: where do I want to go? What do I need to do to get there? Luckily, a woman I knew, she saw that I was auditioning for Columbia grad, and we’re going to hang out soon. I need girlfriends. I need friends. She wants to make her own work too. Great. Maybe we can support one another. Like, we’ll help film one another. I like my dial in psychic character idea, so that’s it’s own thing.
I’ll see how that goes.
The ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING CAN FALL FROM THE SKY routine, I feel as though I MUST MAKE SURE TO ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN, so I would like OPRAH to fall from the sky — as she has the power to do — and hand me a golden ticket, literally. “With this ticket, no matter the ATM, you can take out as much money as you want, whenever you want.” It’s all she can do… you know.
I’m trying to bring in opportunities thought wise, I suppose, I just absolutely HATE the GURU I met because why would I live my life in that way? High five Barbara Harris as GENIE. She’s in sunglasses, arms crossed, ready to cross the desert with my future man, a Saudi Prince, since this is what people believed my destiny was. And who knows? Right? Life is long and full of promises. Hm hm, nodding, hm hm, in sunglasses, hm hm, nodding, yeah, “you know, we just understand one another…”
Cut to: we’re moving through an airport, talking to people, and meeting foreign dignitaires, yeah, and we’re waving from private jets. “I’m famished,” with at least 2 large dogs… we’re reading magazines. I’m speaking Chinese, every language fluently, as people expected me to be able to do. I was one of these people who people wanted to… start speaking Chinese, didn’t matter.
This was my destiny — along with — being LADY GAGA is SOME CAPACITY. A star. I could become one. Can you imagine? “DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU DO…” okay. I really don’t know what to say as my interactions with these men were not that helpful. I was just someone who was… beginning to write… and these men weren’t helpful, in that, no offense, but if someone handed me what I wrote to read, I would be having a very honest conversation with that person.
Telling someone to meditate… a book into existence.
“IT’S A PSYCHOLOGICAL OBJECT.”
JOHN MALKOVICH AS THE GURU IS: EXTRAORDINARY, NECESSARY, SUBLIME, TERRIFYING, JOHN MALKOVICH, simply put. “He captures the dark side of the manifestation obsession with the pulsing aching need to become someone for no rhyme or reason…in Beverly Hills…” it’s so deep. “MARIA MOCERINO IS: VULNERABLE STUPID HILARIOUS UNBELIEVABLE,” someone who “DESCENDS TO MADNESS WITH NO ONE AROUND HER WHO CARES. AMAZING. FIVE STARS. THE PLOT TWISTS ARE TO DIE FOR.”
“THIS IS WHY PEOPLE GO TO THE MOVIES.”
I look at this man, now, like why are acting like that? I can’t believe I was there, to be honest with him, someone who wanted to “FEED ME” every week, not someone who was interested in getting to know me, or wanting to be my friend. Strange. He’s like, WHATEVS, cool, yeah, figured, once I was a fucking wreck, “you weren’t fed or bathed…” sure, bye. No followup. Once again the CRITICS: “OMG! THE CHILLING CARELESSNESS OF THIS MAN IS EXTRAORDINARY.”
This man was — chilling. I studied him, as I always do, as a character. I will bring him to life. His haughty, hands behind his back, attitude. “You cannot disappoint me,” he turns to me emotionally, “you have my love,” over an I TANYA DVD.
I was SO confused.
“IT’S THE RELATIONSHIP TO REFLECT ON.”
I’m laughing because “Barbara Harris is what American satire…” is about right now, someone wrote.
But whatever I’m here.
I’m looking at the PDF scam, it’s not a scam, but selling PDFs that put forth a skill I have, or some knowledge I hold, that I could potentially sell. I just don’t know what that is. I’m going to probably start a YouTube channel, for beauty products? I have nice skin. I just got glycerin and put a few drops in water, and I’m trying that, as a moisture sealer, as I read that on Reddit somewhere. I feel like it’s working actually. But I’m going to try a little affliate marketing and see if I can make extra money that way. I say that because if I get a certain number of subscribers, I could add adverts, which makes sense to me.
So today, I have to plan my days off so I can go to the MOTH, Columbia, and all that jazz. I’m going to apply for some jobs. I’m going to see if I can move my romantic date tonight, so I can go to a screening with a friend, as she’s been so nice (a SAG member) in invitng me to screenings. I need to see my model friend, gotta see her, and she reached out to me first—think. I’ll be with the MODELS. Okay? Let the POINT be made. Ridiculous. My Russian mother — AGREES. “Marushka, you MUST KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.” I have a date with my new actress friend this friday, so I keep growing, I’m doing alright.
I’m going to keep trying to just find an easier income job so I can keep moving out of this restaurant job… there are better ways of making money. I just have to get there.
You build over time. And hopefully, magic pixie dust will fall from the sky, Barbara Harris I Dream of GENIE… breaking out into a little musical number we all want to see… I’ll scream at my friend “oh my God, I got this JOB…” and I’ll take it from there. But I want it to be EXTREMELY clear that I am NOT CLOSING ANY DOORS ANYWHERE ACROSS THE PLANE OF EXISTENCE. I want Obama, to personally deliver TO ME 500k in cash, in a box, no questions. We don’t need to chit chat, it’s a simple exchange. Okay, cool, not investing it in OHM. Thanks……
But I’m holding it together, taking it step by step, as I have to build from the ground up, and no, I did not want to BE here. I hate that guru. But I can move fast, and I feel like I am, and hopefully I took care of what I needed to, so I won’t be attracting strange MALE energy. It just sucks, because I was younger, and that’s what I attracted. Yeah. So. Wasn’t that flattering. I suppose I could see an instance or two — where I just needed to keep things in check. But again, I’m coming to find that being in the driver’s seat — not having these strange helpers — is getting me where I need to go. Like, okay, I have to go to this theater mixer. I have to network. Yes, meet people. I think it’s better to learn on your own.
I just personally think, it’s much better to figure out how life works for you, and I think action shows you the way. I think my mental state is fine. I can’t really get entangled in unconscious drives, or some of this complicated thinking… I came from a background, and that is pretty clear, so I had to work that out, and it was a painful road, in the end, and hopefully now, I’ll create a life that I love.