I’ve been grinding my teeth while I sleep for a few years now…and I had to get a tooth filled on the side, unusual, because I cracked my back tooth. Finally, this week, I had to do something, because my head hurts, and I can’t grind my teeth anymore. I feel totally out of whack.
So, I went to the pharmacy in Istanbul a couple of days ago. She gave me a supplement that blocks whatever the stress hormone is, something, with vitamins too. And it’s worked. I can’t totally explain what’s happening, but listen to this dream I had.
I was in someone else’s house — someone who had a major impact on me — and he was sleeping. All these people came through the door wanting to attack me, and I got that they weren’t real, almost as if I realized that I was dreaming. I spent this dream amazingly slamming them down, stopping them, and they kept coming at me.
And I thought, waking up, with a jolt in my heart, oh, no stress in my body, no grinding, but a sore head. These are probably firing in my brain — and this supplement is most definitely blocking it as I’m slamming them down, but I’m having this dream around this mental process. I was, in bed, somewhat amazed, wow, no stress though. And no teeth grinding.
I wondered, well, if I’ve been stressed and sleeping for the last few years, I might need to second to adjust to no stress while I sleep.
I can bite down. This supplement is great. I’m physically calmer but I thought about the whole system since that stress hormone, whatever that is, might still be firing but now, in my sleep, but I have this little aid that’s making me aware that this is happening…
From time to time, over the past few years, I’ve had some scary dreams. In the beginning, they were thematically specific, which was pretty terrible, and I would have to take a sick day — because the sensations were too intense and I had no encouragement to speak about what happened. I had to basically eject, reject, these sensations. I would have to employ tools to get myself through the dream. “I do not deserve harm.” Like, I do not know what happened back there, and I do not know why I’m having these dreams, but I don’t care what I did, I don’t care — I’m just going to reject it. As time went on, these dreams processed themselves out, though I could have flair-ups, not sexual in nature, but anxiety or being chased.
Here’s another amazing dream I had during this recovery process.
While I was writing an article about clown, which will most definitely be in that book; that’s one potent figure in the shamanic realm. I was thinking about the “comic dimension” as one does, laughter as a medicinal tactic, especially around “touchy subjects” or illness. I was in the dark, okay, that felt pretty straightforward. I started getting chased again in my dream, but this time, I managed to outrun it, and I slammed a door. And from behind it, the clown suggested I face what I fear. I opened it.
With a clipboard, like a doctor, this vague clown in the dark evaluated me — everything I had said, very thoroughly, looking through these papers — as I struggled with these feelings — why I said what I said — not knowing what to do with what I went through — and suddenly, around the word “rape” came “a thousand smiles.” I had to laugh. I had to. I woke up. That’s an example of a medicinal clown experience. It’s not that “it” is funny, but that apparition around the word even due to its unexpectedness, the swirling, it made me laugh so I relieved some of that pressure. I could sit with all that.
My dream life has been rather rich over this time — I even buried my father, still confused as to where he was. I got picked up by a Turkey Vulture in the middle of nowhere at the very beginning. I exited some house — so Oz — and there was a turkey vulture, I had to look it up even, because it was so clear and specific, perched on a fence. That was basically it. I read that the vulture is a guide spirit between realms — taking someone back, cleansing, nothing wasted. So I was with a turkey vulture for a moment in time there, thinking about that animal, since no one, no thing isn’t special, doesn’t have a purpose or meaning, in a sense. I never thought about turkey vultures, I didn’t even know what they were. There does seem to be animal wisdom…that seems to be very true.
I feel such a difference today. Grinding my teeth has been affecting my whole state. And that soreness in my head continues to dissipate. I spoke with this dentist since I never had a cavity, and I was aiming to never have one — but my teeth grinding gave me my first on the side of my tooth. So I went to have it filled in Turkey, and the dentist, too, used to grind his teeth. He said it was a posture problem, so I’ve been trying to get back into working out, fixing my posture during the day, getting up from my chair, going on walks, and he said nothing exists that helps with it. Except, in my case, it seems to be due to stress since this supplement worked. Hopefully, I’ll rewire, that’s what ketamine does, right? And that will take care of itself. It has magnesium l threonate — thank you MIT — glysine, taurine, P5P, d3, k2, b1, and c. She told me to take two the first week and then go down to one, and I might keep taking it because it supports neuron growth and calms the nervous system.
My back feels better, everything.
I’m 100% in my draft right now and I have a month to finish it without another job to do.
That was quite a doozy — beginning to write a story based on my childhood, even in taking in what was happening around me, at that time.
My friend scared the living shit out of me. For one. He acted underhanded with me, he told me he would totally murder someone… he revealed that he had plans to play my character…and that he was speaking about this nonexistent character behind my back to some woman, or he thought about some woman, and then, he called himself my manager… with a belittling hand. And then, he lied about leaving the key. He acted very strangely. He joked about being a drug addict too, which I thoroughly did not appreciate, not at that time, but I chose my words carefully — my mother was. And you know what? This person kept poking at me — excuse me? So yes, he scared me. Lots of buttons were pushed at a time when I did not need it. So, no, why would I want to keep the furniture?
For example.
And this person kept putting me down. “Well I’m going to keep it,” well, then, it’s not my furniture. As I said, I was going to get rid of it, or I would gift it to you. So, he decided to go with the second choice. Meaning, what you want is irrelevant. Not after all that. This person spoke about the apocalypse to me — for real — as if it were really coming, also belittling, which I didn’t understand. I didn’t have to take that on and put on a clown act but let me sum it up — okay? Who is crazier? The one who salivates for its arrival, the one who says “it’s really coming,” for real, or the one who is really on the other side of it?
But I had problems to work out in that I repressed stuff like this, and I was too hurt, like what are you even doing? This person even told me he was acting underhanded with another one of his friends… he even blazed into this apartment when I went to see it, all in a flurry of having helped her move furniture…and I had no idea… he started telling this story about how they spoke about how they don’t like their friends who don’t…dress…well…all the time…and I don’t… you see?
So, I ended up asking him to come over to help me organize my closet… I wouldn’t handle this in the same way… I had bought a shirt though that I knew he wouldn’t like. “What would you get rid of?” And he picked out that shirt. Squinting, I got up and simply said, “well that stays.” And he said, “is this your boundary thing…?” “Yeah.” I had no idea what that was. I simply shut the door. I wouldn’t do that anymore — way way back there, I would have asserted myself. I got there, though I was trembling, around the joke about being a drug addict…it’s just that, at that time, I experienced my first panic attack, coming to realize that — no no no, please! My mother was a drug addict. And I had the most hilarious and terrible experience with beginning to care about all this. It was a joke, no, but she was, a joke, and I had no idea what to do. So I took some steps to just say — no.
You see, I don’t understand if he’s aware — he wanted to talk to me on the phone about his experiences with death — why? And then, he reveals that he wants to play that character though he’s never read a page. It doesn’t exist yet. No offense, it ain’t in my plans. So he was acting underhanded with me. He already told me he was doing that with someone else. He began attaching onto me, even my furniture. He explicitly disobeyed my wishes — no family talk — which I cced everyone on. HE had literally disturbed me, unable to place any of this. And you can understand no? He kept doing it. I was utterly shocked. He kept on disrespecting me… that took me a few years to work out.
I came from traumatic circumstances quite young, so I’m not expecting any special sympathy here, okay? But this person seemed to have a little agenda… which is even embarrassing… because I haven’t even finished a book yet! And now I have a manager? An actor? Someone who also owns my furniture? Who would, totally, kill someone, to enact change, of course. But no worries, “my evil brother” was born to help me through this experience. Which I found to be totally amazing — the psychological process I went through even if it was very tough. In that, this “Evil brother character” was born…and that was the beginning of conceiving of a villain. I could write villains. And that was impossible, sensationally, I couldn’t go there, but now, I can’t wait. I saw a fashion show with all these male villains — it’s a sexy, funny, pleasurable arena. People like a good villain, and that’s what I came to understand, that a villain could do a lot of good, as my mother would fit into that category. I suppose I could also make her into a hero, but I settled the reality of that first. Again, I feel, sitting here, an impulse to say, “no she wasn’t,” she was wounded. I understand that. However, the path of “A villain” is a truthful one, how and why one goes down that road…is part of the appeal…in also showing the circumstances — also true — that factor into the equation.
Like Two Face — he’s the perfect man, the hope for Gotham City, but he gets put through a terrible experience; he loses everything and crosses to the other side, kind of thing. So, no, I suppose Dr. J, even, her name, was not an easy person to accept and digest. But I could write a villain, I could write different characters based on her, and maybe that would have a positive effect. Sometimes, I really wonder, since the Indie filmmaker sparked this thought, should I go after her? I mean, hello? Lady… was that a lie? Based on this Brazilian woman’s statements — did you remain clean lady, with me? I mean, I don’t know what to say, because that’s what she said. I don’t know what to say yet. I’ve thought about it.
In any case, I made a commitment to not rehash the past as I move forward in my life. And I also thought, last night, which is interesting, that I can forgive but that doesn’t mean I have to interact with these people. With my “manager friend,” absolutely not. Never again. Do not call me for an audition. I settled that piece. I made peace with it and just keep letting it go. Now, the thought of engaging with some people makes me grain away since I went through a fundamental shift, so would I have been friends with this person to begin with? Not everyone is friends with everyone even if they like them, you know, exchange some warm words… but “as your manager” when I don’t require a manager…
I’m just taking a moment this morning to appreciate the relief I feel in my head, jaw, back. In time, I suppose for the field of psychology, neurology, I might talk to some people about what happened, since I had started going through experiences before this year came to a head…I just didn’t know what to do with some of the experiences I was having. Especially around that lie. I hung onto that lie…and just kept my process private.
And then, in the end, I exchanged with a couple of people that I invested money with, and I got this message at 5 AM that morning through my website about my bank being shut down when I had never received a message ever through my website. I received that message physically in my gut…which was shocking because I felt a block of stone move and hit another… I went through a truly excruciating experience. And now, I don’t know what happened back there…I mean, who knows? Maybe one of them did send it, it’s just that — that seems too crazy to me, but then, I didn’t know what to do with my very early childhood.
I figured in time, I found someone already, I would talk to this person who specializes in repression. Just because, in taking my mother, yes, I realize that she had a true pathology, in that, the truth, lie, what was the difference to her? It’s just that, she might have experienced sexual trauma, since that’s what it looked like to me, at four, but that was messed up person.
Amazingly, I could not eat after that, you see, and I could not resume normal eating until I admitted that this message felt intended for me. I mean, someone sent it. And I can also speak to the psychological tension I was under. But after I admitted that, I could work on eating. Okay. Panic attacks when I started to get hungry and when I would eat.
So I’ll share that since that happened the year I was working on a draft… and beginning to make a real reach in my life. And that came to a real head. Me, I had real problems to work out, which I did. I wasn’t aware of them all, I might not have made the best choices in my relationship sector. And what helped was a basic reframe — you don’t know this person. Boundaries became a new concept. I don’t have to be open, as if I don’t know, I didn’t actually go through the experience that I did, I don’t have to put up with stupid people’s expectations — blah blah blah — I can have a real sense of self, and that’s it. I’m to relating like I used to, even if, to some, they might not notice the hugest difference. But I started making new friends through that, and I kept all this neat. Like, people walked into my apartment — this is so you… but, personally, for me — I started looking around like, is it? Not so sure there. How did I get here? I feel integrated. But I still had to recover from an enormous event.
And I suppose beginning to share that story has not always been easy, which also surprised me. I never didn’t want to feel that way, especially because I’ve had such little support, too. Not to say everyone has it, I mean, I suppose I had to learn how to support myself — which has a larger scope. I don’t want to have relationships around this story, if that makes sense. Not to say that I did, but I have needs, wants, these sorts of ideas — so I’m getting in touch with those. Especially my values. I sat with the Seth books quite a bit since people recommended them…and values are fortifying. Anchoring. They are deep ideas. Grounding.
I might be a bit sharp here, but when I started to hear that my friends were talking behind my back about my social media presence, that was almost an automatic — goodbye. After everything I had just gone through? Yes. And “my manager” even said “looks like your having fun” with a tone, you see. After lying to me about leaving the key. One thing after another this guy. His lamps weren’t even moved out when I moved out — I moved out before he did — in my apartment. I could not blow up, who wants to, but that person — sure, I get I repressed that — really scared me. “Oh…and the movers aren’t coming…” after a weird intro text…hey, can I come over and say hi on move out day. Then he calls… and I can’t judge the authenticity of his performance… and they aren’t coming…until tomorrow. “Write the movie about what happened,” he said.
Now, I would say, “do you want a part?”
“So you’re my manager… my actor…” who cannot even get movers to come on the DATE. I was shocked. Now, I have no issue — straight in — this is what happened from my perspective. Our shared friend also heard some things you said. Do I want to hear about the “amount” of Adderall you’ve taken? No. If I may, as Dr. J’s daughter, she would call my aunt about her cancer, since she told people she had terminal illnesses she didn’t have, and she went on and on to this woman about the pills she was taking. And I wondered, a moment, if she was trying to justify her drug habit. So I will not humor that, anymore. Writing about drugs, man, I don’t have problem with drugs, it’s how…this person…began to act literally speaking. You’re acting like a drug addict. Putting some “negative drug narrative” onto me, when all I said was — you cannot talk to me like that because my mother was a drug addict, where you are personally, isn’t where I am at, though you’re communicating that this is…somewhere in your framework, man. Go — do whatever you want, I don’t have to be a part of it. Over. Done. Finito.
I told Angela this, just please. She told me I cannot be scared of going home because of this person — you MUST pick another neighborhood — you do not LOOK, talk, with this person. Truly. I’ll pick up the furniture, I suppose, that I spent 5,000 for… a couple of pieces…so that this person could use HIS stock to decorate the goddamn thing because I wanted to share this moment with HIM since he decorates spaces. Just please. You were going to use your stock, WHY????? Because I gave you the SPACE to decorate as you wanted, if you could use it, no? That took a few years. What the hell was I doing? I apologized to this person for not being able to pay him appropriately… since I always supported his talent — F off. And he conveniently, and I was like — what the hell — forgot my desk. This is what I do. “The DESK,” I said. What? “MY DESK.” I got to work on Monday. Are you kidding me? In my opinion, I gave that person plenty. And it wasn’t finished by the time I moved in, and he said, oh I’m ready to spend hours and hours after……all that…. so are you scheming? I didn’t sign up for HOURS AND HOURS, not after all that. And I said this is yours, if you didn’t want it, you could have just said that, so that’s not on me.
Besides, when I think about that — look, maybe you can photograph it, pitch it, you understand? He furnished an entire guest house for less than I gave him… from IKEA, and it was so well done. I believe he thought I was…on my way…in some capacity… my actor, manager.
Anyway, I’m going to let that go now. But what I went through did not come out of nowhere. People don’t know how to deal with something like that. That’s why, honestly, I was thinking about what I’d like to do…I don’t want to be a copywriter… I want to sell this book…get this movie bible…picked up…go into drama…I can only speak from where I am at though…as of right now, Ben Affleck Turkey, as I call him, is predisposed, but there’s no rush, he says, so we’re good…I’m just letting that…be, for the moment. I have to adjust the structure and story so the “innocence of sex” is a bit clearer — like that dance wraps me up, is healing, and Maria hilariously just might be a dancer… and future tennis star, probably, with a tennis coach who sees nothing but potential in her. Who shows her videos of players flipping out, getting angry. And I laugh with this image of this four-year-old or maybe I was five — running with a little racket and an angry expression on her face. Even in running across the years determined, but where is she going to go? JOSE! I just had to adjust that whole set-up so it’s more supportive… like the tennis coach will tire her out, she’ll go down, but the Brazilian mother is not so sure — in my mind — but everything in his mind is — this baby is on her way. This is an extraordinary baby. So then, Jose and Maria’s guardianship will build… I’ll have to tweak that journey but then, I’m not doing anything until we have a meeting, which he wants to have when he can. And probably he will nod, exactly. I get that sort of, I mean, this is his job, but that’s the way to go.
It’s much more touching, humorous, and makes it more ensemble. Oh no, you understand that she becomes a part of them, and that, in the end, we’re going to go through some sharp twists and turns as the situation with her parents steers them into the outer limits. I have to figure out the mechanics of that, but idea wise, that feels right.
But for the moment, I have to just complete this draft. My book. Also great. I just can’t work on that script without a Neapolitan — as it’s a Neapolitan movie. A Christmas extravaganza, comedy, drama. Can you imagine? the cheers, the support for this four-year-old kicking covers, yelling at people to get out of the way, turning a house upside down, they didn’t care about the circumstances, they were proud. Especially Franco Franzese. Very good. Show us how you did it, everyone wanted to see it. “Show us how you told this woman to get out of your way…” which is a Christmas institution, Frank Sinatra’s “My Way.” This is what Christmas is about. This year, this year right here, that just passed, this one coming, no one cares, this is MY WAY. Not your way. I did it — my way. No regrets. No sentiment.
How can you not laugh?
Anyway, it’s coming together… so I’m going to keep putting it together… I wish I thought about the form earlier. So I’m hurting a little there, but I know that will give it something, I have to think about it that way, and keep chipping away at it, I don’t know what’s in and what isn’t, exactly, yet, but the sport of it is… clear. It’s also them. It’s very much them. But as I go on, I have to keep connecting, getting deeper, and drawing more connections with flavors, the food, the whole experience. I’m positive, in that, we’re going in — again, for another meal. But it’s a real challenge. “You cannot survive Christmas,” Carmine even says. “This is not the point.”
I think I feel somewhat in the dark just because Franco come after me — morning, noon, and night. Every night. So these scenes in particular, I don’t know, I find it hard to access this person… make my head spin… I’ve written a couple that work, but logically, I get closer to them, or more intimate — just because that second family was a giant mess in my head…they all were… but I have to let them in… or strike a balance in some capacity, because, at least, Franco got genuinely upset for me…which I had never experienced before. My complexes intrigued him as a doctor. But the Sorrento side is just so great, because that return to nature is a strong message.
Anyway, blah blah blah, I have to figure out how this all fits together.