I’ve reached a grounded place with self, where I don’t exactly want to hide who I am, where I come from, and the true ordeal I had to go through to get, here, basically. Just basically. And, a decade ago, I felt like I could check all the boxes, as to what you’d like to hear… that your past doesn’t have to define you… that you can be affected, still strong, you know… a Jim Carrey type. That man wears his brokenness on his sleeve, and I chose, okay? Chose to be vulnerable to make a point. And that quality got me into major trouble. I woke up this morning, thinking about comedy, as I’ve been resuscitating myself on that stage. Wednesday, I got back on stage, I might have said this, and I said, “I’m just getting used to existing, joke will come later.” Trust me. Jokes are coming. Angelita Leibowitz is coming… as well as the comments about “white people” as I can make them there, knowing there are latinos out there, comedians as well, who will laugh at the sheer fact that this was a Brazilian mother, that my mother told this BRAZILIAN mother that my father was raping me… evidently, as I met a Brazilian comic yesterday, and have a nice chat with him outside… “hilarious.” Already. “Conceptually.”

“A Brazilian mother is basically a fertility goddess…” I said, testing it out.

And he didn’t hesitate. “Yeah, basically.”

“I mean truly.”

“Yes, yes she is.”

“It’s the combo,” he thought, of Brazilian and Jewish…this is the sex scandal I was in… we’re dancing sexy regardless… this mother is chasing me through these dance parties, looking sexy, she can’t help it, telling me to DANCE. Hello?????????? This was the SASS resonating off this woman, this woman, who had a RIGHT, okay? To dance sexy, when she pleased! To love sex, even, thank you. Okay? Loh-ve Maria, Loh-ve. Sex. I was, in a little sex scandal, with a fertility goddess…she got VERY upset. So, I keep having fun, even if, I’m still getting comfortable with IT, and speaking about it, and it seems, it’s too soon to get too performative yet. I tried unleashing anger, just to up my energy, but I’m finding… I’m still figuring it out… but I’ll work on my Angelita Leibowitz impressions.

So, today, my life hasn’t changed that much yet, but I’m looking into a few leads for gig work, tester work, one of which is… being a friendship facilitator for an app that organizes dinners with groups, and they meet weekly, as this app aims to help women foster relationships…which is what I’m seeking to build, myself. But I would be paid, essentially, to lead these groups. So I can meet lots of females… lots of women… and use my empathetic gifts, I guess, we’ll see, to foster a group. You know? It sort of reminds me of Barbara Harris… less that she would do this, but more so, it’s heart-centered work, and she at least inspired… this direction of thought. I say that because these two men who came into my life last decade believed I was… like her… that we were similar… along these lines. So for my TV show, it’s funny, simply. I hope it works out. But at least I have a couple of prospects as I continue to build from here.

But vulnerable, right, I woke up this morning thinking about the comedy stage. I was vulnerable, apparently, and it was funny to me, that these men didn’t make the connection… like, don’t bother her. She’s vulnerable. But this trait, in particular, forget about it. Don’t do it. Just avoid it completely… you might find yourself in the wild… or psychic. So, I’m still navigating through this moment, hoping to book one of these 4 auditions I am submitting myself for, as it’s sort of a ride, and I even submitted another video, last night, because I couldn’t stop thinking about this scene, and thought, here, let me try again. In case you want to see it, I did it, SUPER honestly. Like are you seriously SAYING that? I don’t know, comedy is this interesting arena, where THAT might work….

And you know, I felt very proud of myself, because I sent it, no make up, no worries, at my desk…11 PM. Just going, let me try this. I am acting boldly, I want to be an actress, so if I tried something, and I wonder if THIS might resonate, another way, I’ll send another video… in this case, that’s just what happened, but I think the drive in it, is good. We’ll see, lol. Just me, at my desk, in no makeup, just doing the scene again… how about this super realistic take? In any case, I’m happy, even if it’s all uncertain right now. And I’m still, figuring out my life basically, that’s really my problem right now.

But, I’m trying to conceive of a book, I’m getting there, again, because 10 years ago, I felt like I checked off all these boxes to then go through hell…… where a screenwriter is going to tell me I am repressed… after indirectly leading me down this road… and I’m going to get involved with psychonauts, unethically, according to the person who brought me in. “She was not brought in correctly,” whoops, whatever, right? Who gives a shit? And, um, it turns out, that what I’m going to write is…very different… than what I even imagined… so right now I’m considering writing a book about my investigation, my undercover investigation into this situation I was in…which is a short, I’m working on. I feel like the Brazilian family is sellable… they are a strong family. 7th Heaven. But 9. There I am. The one they adopted…because they, as a family, had to get her through insanity itself… a family of sportsstars.

My biggest hurdle, right now, personally, is the future mindset. That still causes me distress. I have to clear the future, literally, from my head, when I write… or do anything… as something I can “channel.” That’s where I still stand with the New Age I absorbed. I suppose I work on visualization? But again, I had a terrible decade… where none of that helped… so, I still have…to release being pulled by the future as if BENECIO DEL TORO, specifically, is wanting me to…keep writing these lines… and I use his name as a joke…but these dipshits in Beverly Hills are telling me to channel my future audience… and it’s THEIR belief system that plagues me the most. It gets better… but I have to keep shaking that out, so I can not feel PULLED by anything… but rather present, centered, and just beginning to think, what do I want to write…? Not, “let me hook onto the most successful version…” or, the version, Joyce Carol Oates will read… so that is…the last of my deprogramming. I have not yet totally deprogrammed that.

Maybe I can, Robin Williams style, LOSE it on stage, as a marionette, being directed, moved, by “the future.” By Reese Witherspoon, the IDEA, of her, and OPRAH, in the Hero’s Journey voyage to GET to their mailboxes… the BOOK of BOOKS. They are currently singing the tune from The Sound of Music and helping me along… to get MY book published, for one, and published with the backing necessary to end up in their hands. So I thank them from afar, the past… as I navigate my way towards that future… I had to laugh, really, make jokes. These people told me to navigate like that… let Reese Witherspoon, lol, pull the strings, from the future, here. Picture her holding the book. I guess? I still don’t know why this was necessary.

But I’m trying to pull from my well, of wisdom, or experience, in hopes of reaching someone like me — you are already in the danger zone — and also saying something of meaning and value with…a life…that might make you laugh, or wonder, “who is she? Why is she so psychic?” I went through psychological problems, which I state, because it’s not really mental problems, but rather structural dysfunctions, and problems, because of my family architecture. So I’m going to, as someone from Neptune, meet people out there who are going to go, “yes, absolutely, you should leave the solar system entirely…” because you can, anyway, with your mind… or something… these are my thoughts today. I’m just trying to think, okay, so let me keep on reading, studying the market, and let me get to a book proposal… first. So that way, I can go away, I can apply for a retreat somewhere… and produce pages.

It’s not…psychic, but it’s basically solid. And if, in the meantime, someone contacts me about a book, or something, then, all the better. But since that is not the case, right now, I’m going to keep reading, and thinking about WHO this is for, and what it is I’d like to communicate. So that might take a year…but in the meantime, I’m working on a couple of shorts, and I’m going to try and tackle the personal essay space. We’ll see where I land.

My pilot episode for my TV show Get Real, which I think is a good title, actually, is coming together. It’s a very dramatic debut between me and the sexual trauma specialist, him/her (who cares) needing to PULL me off the fucking floor, literally. A total mess. Am I psychic? Was I abused? The shut down I received was… an abysmal space. I was stuck abroad, coming to realize I lost my money, okay, I’m 40, um, and this guy sent me a dick pic… thwarting my plans to land home… when I inquired about a sublet… so I’m not back in the states as we had originally planned. But it’s potentially a very strong role for someone… who I describe as a kind of Amal Clooney… in that, this is her/his subject matter… that they tackle… sexual misconduct, and sexual assault, and maybe in court… I can fictionalize some of this, but she/he is essentially the person that courts or newspapers will contact…

I wanted to make this person a lead, basically. Where they are, sometimes, appearing in court, “objection,” when he/she says “oh so you thought let me take out my dick…” right? Anyway we’ll see.

So I’ll keep developing it, as the pilot episode, right now, is 30 min. Maybe it will be an hour. But I’m thinking more so, how to potentially produce this myself. Make it easier. But we’ll see. I just think it’s a strong, dramatic/comedic premise… of a woman starting over, at 40, from THAT. “Was that true?” And this sexual trauma specialist is coming into her life at a dead end… she’s at the Bosphorus, there’s nowhere else to go… but she’s going to turn around, and go after her life. And the rest is being written. Sort of Seinfeld, as there’s stand up in it, or the attempt… as Maria, me, will find a new beginning there…