SCENE FIVE
(BARBARA and MARIA eat sushi on her bed, Chobani standing by)
VOICEOVER
In the criminal justice system…sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous.
In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.
(SUV CHANGE OF SCENE)
DETECTIVE I
That’s a lot of t-shirts…
MARIA. So, somebody got murdered by a schizophrenic guy who also has a t-shirt business?
BARBARA. Hm…
MARIA. When you’re watching actors, like these people…
DETECTIVE I
We’ve got some questions about Grand and Bob Cockner.
(BARBARA and MARIA FREEZE)
JONAH
Why?
DETECTIVE I
Did you know they tried to shut down the entire clothing business a few days before the murders?
JONAH
They wouldn’t do that…
BARBARA. Is he the one who is psychotic or…?
MARIA. Yeah.
BARBARA. Is he playing psychotic? I mean, he looks a little strange but…
DETECTIVE I
Were you involved in a government operation?
MARIA. I don’t really know…
JONAH
(laughing)
No, it’s a t-shirt business
MARIA. What is up with the t-shirts?
DETECTIVE I
We work for the government too you know…
JONAH
Well, you know, there’s the government, then, there’s the government…
BARBARA: So he’s gotta get the money from…
JONAH
It’s a need-to-know basis. They need. To know.
BARBARA. Is that Jonah? The psychotic?
MARIA. Yeah.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
DETECTIVE II
(on a computer)
Look at this…
DETECTIVE II
The old knife sheath of his that the police found?
(BARBARA and MARIA FREEZE)
DETECTIVE II
…It had DNA inside that matches five of the serial killer’s previous victims.
DETECTIVE I
Jonah Applebaum is…
MARIA. Uh oh…
DETECTIVE I (cont)
the box car basher?
BARBARA. (high-pitched) The box car basher?!
(SUV CHANGE OF SCENE)
CHIEF
I’m worried about everything. Worried him about killing someone else, about the way this office is run, a serial killer in our hands and then released–am I being too picky?
MARIA. (laughing)
BARBARA. (mildly amused)
(SUV CHANGE OF SCENE)
PROSECUTORS
Mr. Applebaum is also the suspect for eight other murders.
JUDGE
But not the three from the other day?
BARBARA. Three?!
PROSECUTORS
No.
JUDGE
Well, I guess I’m going to have to buy myself a score card. Alright, the charges are dismissed. We’re going to keep Mr. Applebaum in a mental health unit.
BARBARA. Mental health unit is like jail but…
JUDGE
A witness who committed NINE murders identical to the ones charged here?
BARBARA. (amused)
(LAW AND ORDER CHANGE OF SCENE)
DETECTIVE
Your missions, Jonah, they involved killing people.
JONAH
What part of "I’m not at liberty to discuss it,” do you not understand?
BARBARA. Doesn’t sound psychotic to me…
DETECTIVE
You told your friends that the KGB tried to kill you…
BARBARA. (interested) hm…
JONAH
I’m still here.
MARIA. How do you play someone who is crazy?
BARBARA. You don’t! Let them think you’re crazy. Be a scientist in your head or something.
MARIA. (laughing) Be a scientist of seagulls!
BARBARA. Why are you always wearing black?
MARIA. The SEAGULL.
BARBARA. Oh, I’m the seagull, yes, yes. Oh yes, yes, I am the seagull, hard to do. She really does though. Isolation is terrible.
X
So he’s not completely crazy? He believed it was a cover…
X
The jury won’t buy any of this if he starts ranting about the KGB. What about anti-psychotic drugs?
X
They could make a difference but he refuses to take them.
X
We cannot make him unless he’s a threat to himself.
BARBARA. Unless he wants to…
X
Are you sure that’s a good idea?
BARBARA. What can they do? They can’t do both…
JONAH
I thought they were protecting me from the Russians…now I realize they were getting ready to kill me.
BARBARA. They mentioned the Russians. I guess that’s some sort of giveaway…the Russians…I guess you’re crazy if you believe in the Russians.
JUDGE
When you were 25 years old, were you diagnosed with a mental illness?
JONAH
Yes. It wasn’t true.
JUDGE
What was the false diagnosis?
JONAH
Schizophrenia, paranoid type, it was a lie…they…they had a Russian doctor there!
JUDGE
You’re a diagnosed, paranoid schizophrenic, and you’re telling us someone was following you?
DEFENSE
Objection!
BARBARA. Now he’s acting nuts…what’s schizophrenia again?
MARIA. Well, there are many tyyyyypes of schizophrenia but it can involve multiple personalities.
(which it doesn’t…this is a common misconception about schizophrenia but it’s more related to her…since I heard that, a, b, I’m not sure…what she was diagnosed with and if it was the right diagnosis….)
BARBARA. Sounds like me.
MARIA. What multiple personalities?
BARBARA. (chewing Chobani) Yeah.
MARIA. (laughter) Barbara…what is up with this sleeping bag on your bed?
BARBARA. Oh, when I don’t feel like making the bed. I just sleep in the bag. I used to bring this over to people’s houses so they wouldn’t have to make the bed.
MARIA. No!
JONAH
I’m still here, I’m still here!
BARBARA. Now he’s crazy…
JONAH
I know what’s going on!
BARBARA. I think paranoia is very helpful. There’s something right about paranoia.
MARIA. Why?
BARBARA. (changes channels) Because if you feel something is weird, sometimes it is.
(BREAK TO COMMERCIAL)
COMMERICAL
Hi I’m Taylor…
BARBARA. Now who is this?
COMMERCIAL
…And I have to show you a true beauty innovation.
BARBARA. Oh, I know…
COMMERCIAL
Three-second LASH.
BARBARA. (Changes channels, scratches her brow) I did it, but I didn’t want to take the time…
COMMERCIAL
(female duet country song)
“Ohhhh you want me to help you…”
BARBARA. (Changes channels) K.
COMMERCIAL
These pieces…that you can use them…
BARBARA. (Changes channels) No.
COMMERCIAL
I’ll have one of these nuts…
BARBARA. I do like this.
TV SHOW
What about Teddy…
BARBARA. Talk about crazy…
MARIA. Charlie Sheen?
TV SHOW
As I said, Teddy is fine but there are some areas in which he doesn’t measure up…to Hugo…
BARBARA. (Changes channels) Ha.
MARIA. Ha.
MARIA. Look at that dapper George Carlin!
BARBARA. (Changes channels) I don’t know him.
MARIA. Wait! Stop!
GEORGE CARLIN
Due to the fact I work most of the time at night, I get to see a lot of daytime television. And for the sake of you guys in the audience who are at the office all day long, I’d like to give you a little example of what takes place on your TV set in the afternoon. We’ll start with the newscast.
(Pop sound)
GEORGE CARLIN
(Newscaster)
Russian and the United States are at war. Missiles have been fired on both sides. Washington and Moscow are in flames. Details on these, and other stories, in just a moment…
MARIA. (laughter)
BARBARA. (Changes channels) I know…
COMMERCIAL
If your moderate to severe Ulcerative Colitis or Cron symptoms… are holding you back…
BARBARA. Oh no…
COMMERCIAL
…if you’re current treatment hasn’t worked well enough…
BARBARA. Oh, what is this?
COMMERCIAL
…it may be time for a change…Ask your doctor about Antivia, the only…
BARBARA. I don’t want to buy any of these drugs…I hate those.
COMMERCIAL
…works at the sight of inflammation in the GI tract…
MARIA. I get that.
BARBARA (scratching her brow) But you have to deal with it…
MARIA. Do you deal with it?
COMMERCIAL
…May increase risk of infection, which can be serious, PML, or greater serious potential fatal brain infection…
BARBARA. Well, they helped me a lot too…the anti-depressants. It did.
MARIA. How long have you been on them?
BARBARA. Too long, but they really should take you off of it.
MARIA. I agree.
COMMERCIAL
It’s gotta be Tide.
BARBARA. They don’t give you enough time to know, to let you get off them, or to take them away very, very slowly if you’re in a good position where you’re steady…I’m never steady here (laughs)… I don’t have a life here, so.
COMMERCIAL
Termites?
MARIA. And you don’t want to move?
BARBARA. I wouldn’t mind, I just don’t know where I’d go. I have such a beautiful apartment. I would hate to go back to New York and live on the fifth floor, in one closet, for 10,000 dollars a month, I don’t know.
COMMERCIAL
Nothing but hard work….you’re closer to the farm than you think…
MARIA. (pointing) I like what you have written over there. "Confidence comes from belonging.”
BARBARA. It does, I think so. I really do. I think that makes sense.
COMMERCIAL
Hi, this is Jonathan. I’m Karen. I’m Lisa. Looking for a real relationship?
I’m looking for a woman who is trusting, funny, and kind.
BARBARA. Mmkay. I’ll come with the dog.